A
female
age
30-35,
*eina11
writes:I think im falling in love with my best friend/housemate....help! I dont want to feel this way.Me and "Stuart" met about 3 years ago through mutual friends, both in relationships at the time, and even more messed up hee is still with. We live in a flat together now just the two of us, about a year ago we had a night out, he paid for a hotel and we slept together in the heat of the moment, we absolutley terrible after, he had a girlfriend and it made us feel incredibly guilty, me more so wierdly enough. But it didnt effect our friendship, we went back to normal, I always knew he found me attractive as he would always make comments in a jokey way about how fit i was. About two months later, it happened again when we moved into our new flat, and then again and again in stagnated times throughout a year, baring in mind, it was him that was coming onto me not that its in any way an excuse, to be honest i never felt that into it, and didnt really know why i was doing it, i felt terrible afterwards everytime. Ive known for ages he was unhappy with his girlfriend i think he was trying to pretend that he still had feelings for her but last week he told me he wants to break up with her, he cant stand her and doesnt like sleeping with her, ive never got on with her, shes a bit of a pathetic, jealous, physco, but recently i really resent her. In the last 3 months more so the past month our relationship with eachother has altered, he stopped calling me fit and has started commenting on how beautiful i am sating stuff like "your just stunning," and then will follow with "but your still a b*tch," he comments on little features, and comment on my body in my clothes. Ive noticed his eyes on me even when im next to his girlfriend. We got high the other night and he told me i was one of the most amazing, beautiful and one of a kind people he'd ever met, then hugged me for quite a while. On my side of things, i am quite a strong character, i go on dates with people but am quite picky, lately ive been on three dates, and all theyve done is make me want to meet up with Stuart afterwards to tell him about how crap they were and take the mick, i realised today, theyre just making me realise what I really want, or think i want, i dont know! When he says "i can imagine you with a rich CEO," it makes me get defensive, i dont want that anyway, it isnt who i am, but more than normal i find myself wanting to dismiss the idea of being me with anyone else in front of him. I get incredibly sad when i think of him at his girlfriends, but he is more than my best friend, we are in a certain project together with other people, we have dreams together that these feelings will ruin, I cant be with him, i just want to stop feeling this way. Its really bad because i feel our relationship changing, we are sweeter to eachother, we text more, we hug more, there was a point about 4 months ago i nearly moved out because he was being such an inappropriate, vile, mean d*ck to me, we literally were spewing venom at eachother, and the littliest annoyance could spark an argument. Was this a denial thing? Please anyones opinion on whats happening, or what i should do!!!
View related questions:
best friend, jealous, moved in, moved out, spark, split up, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2015): Move out and get your own place, or find a female roommate.
The point is, he hasn't left his girlfriend; and he seems to have his cake and eating it to.
If he does break up with her; then you'll be his rebound girl. So use some commonsense and protect your feelings.
If she's a jealous psycho and discovers you're the next girl in line, how will you deal with her? How will she deal with you?
Stop fooling around with the guy. All the compliments are just to stroke your ego, which makes it easier to get you into bed. You always feel terrible afterwards, try feeling bad before doing it. He's still with his girlfriend. Don't be the vulture circling above his carcass when they do break-up. Does he always bring-up breaking-up just before you have sex, or just afterwards?
I see a really bad drama in the making here!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2015): Sounds like a bit of proper communication is needed here. Many of Stuart's comments suggest he's making it clear he would like to be with you but feels inadequate or doesn't want to look stupid or inappropriate: the rich CEO comment is simply saying 'I don't think I come up to your expectations'. He wants more feedback on whether you would be with him.And the fact that you are seeing other people will confuse him. You are getting closer, but you still seem to want to find someone else.Stuart, for his part, needs to take a risk and say what he really feels and, importantly finish with his girlfriend if he's unhappy. Why would he not do this anyway, even if there were no one else in the picture? Sounds like he has a lot of insecurity about being alone. Only 'jumping ship' when there's another relationship to cling to is probably not a good start.I feel Stuart, if he wants to, needs to clear his present baggage and get to a position where he can then move forward.You can then be a friend through this process. That's what friends do. They help you get your head straight. And friendship can be a great basis for a relationship.The problem is, during this process, it will be very tempting to allow it to simply become a full-blown relationship that masks Stuart's issues, rather than addresses them.Some might suggest the maintenance of a friend role means you should live apart during this process. That's something I feel you need to discuss between you openly and honestly, knowing what you're hoping to achieve ultimately. Which may be simply to help him become more confident and self-contained so he can take that into a new relationship, or it may be with a view to the two of you growing a relationship that is much more than just friendship.So talk. Understand how each other feels. Work out some goals for him, for you, and, potentially, for establishing a relationship that goes beyond friendship.Be open about your expectations and feelings. Be open about where you feel there are problems. Avoid being judgemental (listen to feelings and sentiments rather than to specific forms of words. Don't be afraid of looking foolish. Don't make the other person feel foolish. Listen. Give each other space to talk. Then listen some more.). If you can manage this, then you've made a great start.What's the worst that can happen? You remain two friends (this is why being non-judgemental and allowing the other person to be honest without fear of criticism, is critical) separately pursuing your relationship hopes and dreams.That's not a bad thing. It will be just 'the right thing' coming out of this situation.On the other hand, if you get the groundwork right and allow things to develop at an appropriate speed, you may achieve something together that works for you both.
...............................
|
