A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How can I help my depressed boyfriend? It hurts to see him so downSo my bf have been really distant lately and we had a big arguements cause I was so frustrated and angry with him. I said he doesn't deserve me. and he was really hurt about that.We spoke properly last night after. Weeks of not speaking.I found out that he's going through the toughest time in his life at the moment and he feels so hopeless. He said he doesn't care about anything anymore:(I hate seeing him like this. It hurts. But it feels like he's given up on us. Cause he doesn't say I love you or miss you anymore and when I ask he says I shouldn't go there.I love him and I'm always going to be there for him but he thinks I will run off with someone else. He says I won't like him when I see him cause he's lost weight and he looks rough and I don't him I love him I don't care.What do I do? Do I constantly ring him or give him some space?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2014): When you are unable to get to him, you may want to reach out to his family and suggest that they urge him to see a doctor about his depression.
The sufferer seldom seeks help, they instead wallow in sadness and isolate themselves. They are not aware they may be ill, they only know they are profoundly sad and hopeless.
Special comment:
In most instances; people coming to this site have long been diagnosed with bipolar depression, and simply refuse to take their medicine or are avoiding therapy. This is a symptom of the illness taking over.
I sense you've left-out many details, and I think you know he is already under treatment. If you are attempting to nurse him on your own, you are wasting precious time.
Sorry,I have to take such liberties and speculate when an OP leaves out facts; when they are in denial or avoiding judgement.
It is important that you, and maybe some of his friends, form an intervention group; and urge his family to get him to seek professional help, or see a doctor. He isn't going to listen to you alone. "You" are a source of pain for him right now. Don't bother him with too many calls, ignoring them adds to his anxiety.
If he has depression or an anxiety disorder; talking isn't going to help. Not unless it's with a doctor, or a mental-healthcare professional at this point. You can help by checking to see that he is eating and keeping up his personal hygiene. That is all you can do at this point. While he's ill, don't expect a lot of cooperation or appreciation. This may be symptomatic of an undiagnosed illness, and he is not himself right now.
If he doesn't want to see you, don't push. It's not you, and you can't cheer him up. Agonizing over his illness will make you ill. You may need to see a counselor yourself, to learn how to deal with people with possible clinical depression. Read up on it as much as you can, and please don't try to practice psychology or psychiatry on you own.
You will do a lot more harm with good-intentions.
It will only eat away at "your" good health worrying.
No intention to be cruel; but it isn't worth wasting your own life, if a person doesn't bother to help themselves.
If he has indifferent family-members, who can sit unmoved by his suffering; you can't become a martyr, and ruin you own mental-health. There may be a point you must move on.
Taking on people as your personal-burden is noble; but can damage your mental and physical health. It will distract you at work, and they will occupy your thoughts too much.
I am not asking you to just abandon him; but I'm asking you to recognize your limitations, and know when to give up.
You would not be abandoning him if you must step away for your own mental-health. It's one thing to support someone who accepts help and cooperates by seeking treatment. It is a waste of your time begging someone to get professional help who obviously needs it; and being pushed away and closed out in spite of all your efforts. It isn't love to punish yourself. Love may demand some sacrifice; but there is a point when you have to stop.
You are just too young to be held down by all this. There is human compassion up to an extent.
It then becomes foolish effort; when you hurt yourself trying to help someone who doesn't want it. Or has it, and will not use it.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 February 2014):
 Is he seeing a doctor and getting treatment for his depression? If not, that's the best way to help him is to guide him towards help.
I would not constantly ring him... but I would not fall off the face of the earth... what's your normal routine with him?
can't you stick to that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2014): Let your boyfriend know that you're there for him but don't be pushy and in his face. Call him at least twice a week but not every day.
If he is suffering from depression, there isn't a great deal that you can do to help him other than let him know that you're there and that you love him. Wait for him to open up to you about things but again, don't push him because it could have a negative effect.
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