A
female
age
41-50,
*unny_111
writes:I've been seeing a male friend for a few weeks. I think he's a lovely person... he admitted he has feelings for me last weekend and he said he wants to be in a relationship with me in the future.The only problem is, I'm confused as to whether I have feelings for him! He has a lot of great qualities but he isn't a great conversationalist. I'm one to talk lots and be open with others about most things but he seems shy and doesn't elaborate when we have conversations. For example, when I asked him how his day was today, he said "Good thanks." Whenever I try to keep the conversation flowing, it's a struggle for him because he doesn't know what else to say.The other day, I told him a 3-4 minute story about how sad I was when I found out my best friend was moving away, and all he could say was; "That's no good."It's driving me insane! Does this mean we aren't compatible because we can't have many flowing, in depth conversations? He has so many other great qualities but his lack of conversation skills is a turn off! Is he just shy because we don't know each other really well? Will it get better? For me, a good friendship / relationship is based on good conversations and being able to talk to someone about just about anything. With him, I don't feel this though. Please help!
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (25 February 2014):
 What did you talk about before you began dating? What made the two of you friends in the first place?
Perhaps he's holding his breath and is so anxious that he can't come up with things to talk about because this whole relationship is unexpected and new and unfamiliar. Perhaps he's living in his head and not enough in the moment with you.
When you ask him about his day, and he says "good, thanks," just say, "I'd like to hear more about it, what happened, who did you see and what did you do?" Be specific. Your question to him was "how was your day?" and he responded (correctly) "good, thanks."
It could be worse, you could be dating a guy who isn't interested in hearing the 3-4 minute story of how awful your BFF's moving away feels for you. Most guys would try to 'fix' the problem; he at least had the composure to answer you without trying to fix it for you.
Try telling him what you would like from him, "babe, having a conversation about feelings and friends is very important to me. Do you think you could try to offer more in terms of conversation? I won't judge [you had better not, he's a newbie to this, obviously] and I will so appreciate the back and forth. I love to bounce ideas and thoughts off people and it would make me so happy to do that with my new boyfriend." *smile*
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2014): Conversation flows between people who are in sync with each other and there is a chemistry. I don't think he is compatible and he's too stiff for a person who enjoys conversation like you.
It's okay to be a good listener; but you have to speak up when it's your turn to contribute something to the conversation. I think he's socially awkward, and can't think on his feet. You'll get bored of the silence, and get tired of chatting with yourself.
One-dimensional people don't make good romantic partners.
Be nice, but take a pass on this one.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 February 2014):
 It's just not there for you with him.
I think it's best if you don't drag out the relationship in hopes that it will change.
He's not a talker and you are and that's an inherent personality trait that you aren't going to change for either of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2014): If he doesn't talk much now, it might get worse later. Then again, he might relax and open up when you two get to know each other better. I find one of the hardest things in a relationship is not having conversation - I've been tempted to have an affair just to get a man to talk to me, LOL. If it bothers you this much at this stage, he might not be the right guy for you. You don't want to end up one of those women talking to the wall (aka Shirley Valentine).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2014): I think you need to nip things in the bud by not taking this relationship any further because, in the scant few weeks that you've been seeing him, you've come up against a significant difference in your personalities. Basically you are incompatible as far as romantic relationships go.
If this guy was still an awkward teenager there would still be a chance that he could learn and develop good conversational skill but he's a mature adult and older people's personalities are much harder to change. And I do think that it's a personality thing - he's simply a "man of few words" and becoming an entertaining conversationalist isn't something that will come naturally to him. He'd have to work really hard at it for a long time
Since good conversations are very important to your relationships (and I see absolutely nothing wrong with that) this guy is not for you.
I've dated a guy I've had this type of misgivings about and decided to try and develop the relationship to see if he "grew" on me - but it never happened and I ended up feeling guilty because it felt that I'd been stringing him along.
I wish I'd listened to my gut then. Listen to yours...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2014): Don't take a definite stand as of yet and decide that you don't like him because of his shyness. I am a considerably shy person, I don't talk very much and when I do, it is very much like your friend, short answers. But I still enjoy conversations with people and the better you get to know someone the more they will open up, I know this because I am the same. Just keep chatting to him and even though it's difficult for you to keep the conversation going, push him for answers. "How was your day?" Good thanks, "What did you do?" Not much, "Well you must have done something, come on, what did you do?" Just keep asking until you get the answer you want, if you keep doing this for a while, he'll eventually start answering in full the first time and you'll be able to have a proper conversation that you feel holds meaning and his responses will be longer. As you said, he has a lot of great qualities and it's only the conversation thing that's putting you off. Don't give up on him, he might be shy and nervous, especially now that he's admitted his feelings for you. Give him a chance and help him to open up with gentle prodding in the right direction.
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