A
female
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anonymous
writes:My bf is going overseas for 6 weeks soon and I am really quite worried. He said he would love for me to come but he planned the trip way in advance before we even met, so by the time we met it was too late for me to go as I woudlnt be able to save up in time etc.I guess Im worried because ive seen photos from his other overseas trips and the whole time he just got completely drunk (althoug he claims he went to the places to see their unique culture...), all his pictutres are taken at parties, clubs etc...none of the unique landscaping, culture etc. Its a contiki tour by the way that hes going on, if you have heard of them, you'd know that basically all people do is get drunk and party the whole time.I know he hooked up with a fair few random girls last time he went overseas too and there are so many photos of him overseas with all these girls all over him. I guess he didnt have a gf at the time, so its justifiable, but still, it has me worried. Also, hes going to vegas andwhat if he believes in that lame line "what happens in vegas, stays in vegas". It doesnt help that he wants to have sex and I want to wait until we have known each other for long. I feel under pressure to have sex before he leaves in fear of him getting with some random while overseas. He has put a bit of pressure on me to have sex. I cant stop worrying, I dont know how to stop and most importnatly, I dont know if I even have a reason to worry?
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female
reader, noonespecial2 +, writes (3 July 2009):
Hi there,From my understanding, Men view sex as we Women view emotional nurturing. If we don't feel listened to, respected and understood in an emotional way, we can feel rejected. Men are similar with sex, if their partner doesn't want to nuture them sexually they can feel rejected. Men tend to feel love from their partners and open their feelings for her through sex, this is my understanding yet possibly a Male could give their thoughts on this. There are of course those Men who only want sex with a chick to stroke their ego yet I don't think that this is what's happening for you. He wouldn't wait for very long and would be off trying to find his next object to stroke his ego.Have you spoken to him about his values? Asked him specific questions so you can assess whether they are in line with yours? I understand that there is a clash with him not valuing sex, does he seem open to building on this? interested in hearing your values? If you have a desire to wait until you have sex with him then your hesitation is telling you something and it needs to be listened to, you may just need more time to determine whether he is interested in exploring his values and building on them so that you can align your values with each other. It is important you listen to yourself. I can completely understand why you would have little warning bells with his response of "not wanting to wait to have sex", I would suggest that you speak with him about this and tell him you want clarity or to understand why he reacted this way, why he made such a comment and why such the sudden change of mind. I would also share with him what impression you received and how it is making you more hesitant. He may well have taken your refusal of sex as a personal rejection and felt embarrassed, then thought about it and realised he was overreactive, yet this is only my assumption and I could be wrong, he is the best one to answer this.Your assumptions about thinking that he's only saying he will wait in hope that you will think he's a great person to win your trust. You will only know this by speaking with him and seeing how you feel with his answers, whether they make sense and whether he seems to be opeing up to you and being honest or is he fidgetty, unclear and speaking lots without saying much. I would suggest that you stay true to yourself and only sleep with him when you have all of these doubts cleared up. If it takes a while then it will soon come out whether he was genuine in waiting. If he makes some resentful remark about the sex not being forthcoming then he was not genuine. His change of mind could be that he's realised he's made a dick of himself. Some Men tend to base their worth and get a false sense of self esteem from sex. I would certainly be inquiring about his sudden change of mind. I would also clarify that you are not proposing a sexless relationship, that you are proposing some time before you give that part of yourself to him and that's how you wish to pursue the relationship and if this is too compromising for him then you understand and he has the choice not to wait and to find someone else. It sounds as if he has never had good spiritual loving before. If this is the case then there won't be much value placed on sex for him. Maybe you are in his life to teach him this. Waiting until things are solid between you and having him respect your caution will certainly add to the quality of sex when you have it. Now that you have written this, I can understand why you have concerns about his trip. The only thing I can offer is to refrain from sex until these concerns are gone. With the warning bells ringing it is too soon to make any judgements about whether he is the faithful type or not, as you need more time to find this out. Waiting and observing is the best thing you can do, if he has a tendacy to be unfaithful, the truth will reveal itself and your sense will tell you as well. If you have sex with him, it will blind this as you will have given your heart and have begun loving him at a deeper level and this will completely obstruct a clear perspective and ability to judge the situation accurately. This trip may be exactly what he needs to miss you and realise his feelings for you. You know in yourself that something is not right and you need to believe in this, but don't assume what that something is as you may be way off the mark. Your sense is telling you to wait and you need to honnor this. I hope this helps.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionnoonespecial2- I guess my fear comes down to my doubt in his values. Im kind of unsure of what they really are. At first in our relationship hewanted sex and I told him I want to wait and he said he wouldnt wait around for me because sex was so important to him. So I basically said well this wont work then because im not ready to sleep with you yet. Then two days later he came running back to me saying he was stupid for what he said and that he wants to be with me and he will wait.
I cant help but think that hes only saying he will wait in hope that i will think hes a great person, therefore trust him and sleep with him sooner.
I dont understnad his sudden change in mind. He was soo sure of himself that sex is a must and that he cant be in a relationship without it, now suddenly he says he can wait.
He doesnt place much value in sex, to him its just a way to satisfy his sexual needs. It has nothing to do with love. So he doesnt see the importance in me wanting to wait.
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A
male
reader, citic101  +, writes (2 July 2009):
 Lots of drinking, a wild tour, guys and girls his own age, foreign places ..... With that combination I am sure he isnt going to have sex with EVER girl he comes across !
Dont worry because he isnt getting it at home , why would you think he would get it in Vegas !
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A
female
reader, noonespecial2 +, writes (2 July 2009):
It is natural to be concerned when you have seen photos of him with other girls on his last trip. I think the main difference here is that he has a girlfriend now. If he mentions shortly before leaving that he wishes you were going too and seems hesitant to go then I would assume that his heart is for you. You seem to not trust him, is there any other reason? I know you said that you haven't had sex with him yet, if he is the unfaithful type, whether you have sex with him before he goes will not make any difference to his infidelity if he is that way inclined. I think it is important that you reflect on your feelings and work out what has created this lack of trust. is it a fear or is it a sense. Relationships always have this risk attached to them, so pay special attention to how you feel and why you are fearful of this.Good luck
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