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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Ok, here's my problem:Ever since I was a little girl, I've been a "weeper". The thing is, I cry about a lot of things! When people argue with me, I cry. When people said mean stuff to me as a girl, I cried. My mom always told me I was too weak, because I cried about little things sometimes. It's not that I have depression, it's juts that somehow my feelings get hurt easily.It now takes its toll. When I argue with my parents or my boyfriend, I cry histerically sometimes. Really histerically, I can't seem to control it. I cry, and yell, and just feel so much pain. I don't know what to do. My boyfriend is getting tired of my defensiveness every time we argue, and that even in minor arguments I may blow up and cry and cause a whole scene in public even. it doesn't make me proud, geez, I feel so embarrassed but I can't control it! He says if I don't change that he'll leave me. It also causes problems with my family. I don't know why am I like this, or how to overcome it. Please help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008): i'm not sure i agree w/ rcn's advice. i think i know what you're talking abt, b/c it sounds a lot like me. when i was a teenager and in my early 20s, seemed like everything made me cry. it sounds like what you're talking abt is not just that you tear up easily -- maybe that's part of it, but you say that you cry, sometimes hysterically. it sounds like you yourself are concerned that your emotional reaction is sometimes disproportionate to the external stimulus that provokes it. first of all, irritability and extra weepiness can actually be signs of depression. people don't always *feel* depressed when, in fact, that's part of what's going on. if you're on the pill or other medications, it'd be worth mentioning this to your dr, as those can sometimes mess with your hormones and throw your emotional responses a bit out of whack.i have been in that situation where, even when it was a pretty minor deal, i really just, legitimately felt so. much. pain. and later, i would look back, and maybe think it didn't seem like such a huge thing (often if i just went to sleep, i'd be absolutely miserable at night, and then, in the morning, i'd just feel better). i got to where i just completely stopped trusting my emotions and instincts, which was a horrible thing. you need to be able to trust how you feel, but for some people, how you feel really isn't always the best indicator.for me, i eventually realized that part of the reason i was having these hysterical reactions is that there was a lot going on inside me that i'd never taken the time to think through and deal with. i was highly insecure. no one else realized this about me, b/c i'd gotten really good at acting the part, but deep down, i was terrified that the people i cared about were going to abandon me. and if they had, i felt like i wouldn't be able to cope. i'd also just gotten used to the idea that life was filled with tears and drama. my father was abused as a child, and in my house, growing up, he never hit anyone, but his emotions (as a result of the abuse, i think) were always right there on the surface. and by emotions, i mean anger. his temper was legendary - the slightest thing could set him off. and i'd watch him yell at my mother until she cried, or yell at us kids until we cried, and that was just how things went. and i never liked it much, but i'd never processed how deeply it'd affected me. when i had brunch with a friend the other day and she told me that, in all her life of 29 years, no one she'd dated had *ever* YELLED at her, i was shocked. i mean, i knew couples fought - you hear that everywhere. what i didn't realize is that lots of couples fight in a way that looked very different from the way fights b/w me and my bfs had looked. and i realized my fights looked a lot like my parents' fights.i've spent the last year and a half trying to retrain my emotional responses. it takes a lot of really conscious, active effort not to let myself get hysterically upset, and i'm not always successful, but it gets a lot easier with time. when i first decided to work on this, in january last year, i remember feeling like i was going to lose control when i'd call my bf and he wouldn't call me back that day. i was devastated. and the thing is, he should've called or texted, but it wasn't the end of my world that he didn't. and after some time fighting the urge to blow up on him and let those feelings out, it became easier to address them, b/c i didn't have to spend so much time addressing the aftermath of my latest explosion.i guess all i can say is, it's not abt whether your bf minds the crying - it's abt whether you feel like you're comfortable with the strength and nature of your emotional responses to things. from your post, it sounds like you're not, and if that's the case, you should work on it. i would add that this is something abt you, and not abt your bf. it'd be nice if he could be supportive, but i don't think you can expect him to deal w/ this for you. it's something you need to take care of for yourself, and that may mean you need a bit of space, even if it's not something you want to take.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008):
There is nothing wrong with crying, you're completely normal. Tons of girls especially cry frequently, it is just a way to let out emotion.
It sounds to me like you are with the wrong guy, you need a guy who comforts you and is there for you when you are emotional, not someone who is embarrassed and threatens to leave you unless you change. You won't change, you are who you are, just like he is. Too many people are in relationships and they try and change the other person; there are tens of thousands of people in the world who could make you happy.
Shame on your mum, too! Some parents don't know to handle sensitive children, society tends to label sensitivity and shyness as being a character defeat, they get labelled as being weak. You're not weak at all, sensitivity and emotions are a great positive trait, and when you have the right people around you who are supportive and caring, you'll see why being sensitive and emotional can be such a good thing.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (19 April 2008):
 First, dump the looser. He's not with you for you. If someone demands change, they're trying to redevelop who you really are. Not healthy. If he succeeded here, what would he want changed next?
Overcoming this is all within you. It deals with personal strength, building your self esteem, and beginning to really understand yourself and what's causing this. Do you feel as if simple arguments are personal attacks? Feel as if, you're not liked because others may have a different view or disagree with your perception?
Please understand this. Crying is healthy. It's okay to cry. It's not okay to withhold normal emotions. What we're talking about here is where normal emotions cross over to abnormal times.
You need to begin retraining yourself in these situations. It's okay to disagree. Arguments are not meant to be won. If one wins the other looses. If you care for someone, you don't want them to loose. Arguments are a means of compromising. Taking a piece of two people, two separate ideas and developing a solution which works for both.
You seem like when you're not crying, you have normal thinking and behaviors. Start a journal. Everytime you have these episodes write down what the argument is about, your position, their position, and the emotions you felt. When you're at a time where you're level headed, open the journal, read what you wrote, and write down the reality around what took place. What this will do is help you to begin recognizing the reality during the situation, therefore quite often realizing the true level of emotions you should associate with a particular conflict.
It's also okay for your to demand respect from others, and not allow disrespect in your life. You should never settle for less than you deserve.
Also review who you are. Do you have past unresolved issues? If so, the more you have the more emotions will flood in situations that have nothing to do with the emotion its self.
Take care.
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