A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for six months. He broke up with his last serious girlfriend in March of last year, rather, she broke up with him. They dated for 4 years, though she cheated on him numerous times throughout the relationship. She is currently dating the guy she cheated on him with and after all of that, they are best friends. She treats him very poorly, even as a friend, and he complains about her fairly often, yet he will not give up that friendship. He said he would end ours before he'd end theirs.We fell in love fairly quickly and he claims that I am the only girl he has wanted to marry, yet I can't get over feeling like he isn't over her, still. He recently moved a folder of pictures onto my computer while he was updating his hardware and there are more pictures of her/them than of me/us and his son.We've talked about this before a few times and he said he can't talk about it anymore. Should I get over it and really trust that he loves me, or should I bring it up one last time?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): 6 months vs 4 years....yeah of course he's going to have more pictures of her and him together than of the two of you together. They have history, that doesn't mean he is in love with her! Be aware of all the possabilities, but don't assume. If this guy is worth it to you, then work for it. If not, then walk away and let someone else deal with this.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): Two years ago I was in your shoes. It took some guts on my part, but I stood up for myself and our relationship. I told him that I didn't like the way she treated him, that it hurt ME to see her hurting him. I told him that it was his perogative(sp) to stay friends with her and that's fine, but I was tired of listening to his complaints/comments about her all the time. If he wanted to be with me I was more than happy to oblige, but I would appreciate that he respect my feelings on this subject. I did this as calmly as I could, told him that no matter what I cared and I left it at that. He agreed that he would stop complaining/talking about her, but that they had too much history for him to just never speak to her again. I told him I didn't expect that he never speak to her. We came to an agreement that we both could live with and we are still together!
The reason I put my foot down was that even though his ex knew he was with me, she would call him at 1am and ask to come over. She even had the balls to ask him if he would loan her $500 and on another occasion if she could move in with him for a few months while trying to leave the guy she left him for! I mean really! What a peice of work!
He still speaks with her on occasion and they text back and forth from time to time. They have seen each other maybe 2 times since him and I had that conversation.
I had a lot of insecurities going in to this relationship due to being cheated on before, in fact my previous boyfriend cheated on me with and got back together with his ex behind my back(all while she was acting like my friend!) so suffice it to say I was very nervous about him still being friends with her. I made the decision early on though that I could not allow my past to affect my future with him. I had to get past it and even though it took a lot, I finally found that I did truly trust him. My family loves and adores him, all my friends think he's just wonderful for me and if I hadn't gotten over my fears and just been strait with him, who knows where we would be.
I hope that this helps. Just because someone is still friends with their ex, and would choose their ex's friendship above a new(6 months isn't that long)relationship does NOT mean they are still in love with their ex. My boyfriend and I are proof of that.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (19 June 2010):
 "He said he would end ours before he'd end theirs." That is the biggest red flag. That's a really horrible thing for him to say, kind of like he'd prefer to be in a messed up one-sided friendship with his ex than be in a real relationship with you. Red flag number two, he complains about her a lot. That is actually worse than if he never mentioned her. Red flag number three, she broke up with him after breaking his heart repeatedly. I'm not saying he'd go back to her or dump her, I don't think she has any interest in him. I am saying watch out though for them being alone together. Unfortunately everyone comes with baggage. As long as nothing happens between them you don't have to worry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): If I have any advice it would be that realionships are built on trust. How much you trust depends on how happy you will be, it's everything. For your own refelcion only, have you had trust issues with men before. In your early years as a child perhaps. I struggle in trusting men because of the man my father is. You choose your father in someone else when choosing a mate without knowledge of doing so. When we feel overwhelmed it's best to think and say only facts even though when your hurting, suspect and have mixed feelings we tend to let our minds wonder when we don't have all the facts and feel as though we are being taken advantage of. It's very hard. I'm sorry your feeling this way. You did mention he has a child. Is his ex the mother? If so this may explain he would like to keep the photos! If they were dating four years and you have been dating for only six months that might also explain why he has much more pictures of them? What do you think? Could this be true? If they have a child together things have to be about that child first. This includes trying to stay on the same page and to commuicate and be desent to each other. If you think back to past boyfrinds...... When you think back you still love them for different reasons even if it didn't work out... But your not with them your with your current boyfriend? Right? When your starting a realionship and they have certain friends and other habbits and they tell you up front they shouldn't have to change to make you happy. He told you he wasn't going to give up his friendship. Now you need to decide if that's alright or you do need to move on. He's being honest and giving you an option. Please know you have the power to only change yourself no one other then that. I'm sorry for you really. Life is full of hurts, disapointments and adjustments. Remember if you make someone do something or give someone up this only makes for unhappiness and regreat and mostly resentments. Sorry
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): This whole situation is extremely sketchy. I wouldn't trust him with her at all, given the information posted. And like the post before me the fact that he said he would end your relatonship before theirs...? Don't set yourself up to get hurt. Prepare yourself for the worst girl. I would like to say give him the benefit of the doubt, but ex's seem to harbor WAY too many feelings. Believe me, I have had an experience like this and it didn't turn out too pretty.
Best of luck
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (18 June 2010):
 There's definitely still something there, even if it's only one-sided. Also, the fact that he said he'd rather end your relationship before ending his friendship with her is a huge red flag. Listen to your intuition, if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. His actions will say a lot more than words, and if he seems to favour her over you, you'll already have your answer.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): Sounds like he's still in love with this ex.
Perhaps the feelings will cool of in time, your call really....
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