A
female
age
30-35,
*koblivious
writes:I am a 21 year old female who is pretty independent. I constantly feel different from my peers, because I'm just not similar in certain personality aspects. Every female friend I have seems to be obsessed with men. I love men, I enjoy discussion and thinking about them, and everything like the average female, it's just my entire existence does not revolve around them, like seems to be the case for my female friends ages 20-23. I have never had a boyfriend. This has never mattered to me until about a year ago when I slowly realized I was 20 years old with no boyfriend or relationship. In high school I had other serious family problems and my mind was hardly on relationships at the time (somewhat, but the guys who asked me out at the time I had no interest in). After I graduated high school I remember wanting to date, but then I ended up focusing on other things (i.e., working, school, joining the military, etc). Next thing I know I'm at tech school and I find myself turning down 2 different guys because we would be graduating/leaving soon and I didn't think dating was worth it (I rationalized this . If I could go back I'd date either, seeing as both were good friends at the time and we got along REALLY well). Anyway, next thing I know I'm at my base, and I realize I have never had a boyfriend.I've been on dates. I've been asked out by different guys (very rarely do I say yes it's usually someone I have no interest in whatsoever). I've been to clubs and danced with guys. I've flirted more than anything, with different guys. I just have never been in a relationship, had a boyfriend, or even real physical contact more than just small making out (and even that has been few times and most of the few times I wasn't sober -___-') and slight touching/feeling. It just NEVER seems to be what I am looking for, you know? The guy who will show interest in me is not the guy I am wanting to show interest in me. And it's not that I am holding out for someone better than me or anything, I mostly go off of personality, really. It's just normally these guys with awful dbag personalities that I am not attracted to, when the interesting or funny guys will be after a friend of mine. It's frustrating, and I keep telling myself I should just settle just for the experience, but I can't bring myself to because logically I think I deserve someone I will be satisfied with. I just don't know what should I do? I haven't had this conversation with anyone, because I'm embarrassed. 21 years old and NO boyfriend??!?!! It's humiliating. It's getting to the point where I am actually starting to care. I always just figured it'd happen, but now that I'm getting older I'm starting to get nervous. I am curious. I want to know what it's like to have a boyfriend. I'm getting to the point where I am actually starting to mind being single. I never thought I'd see the day, and I hate to say it because I feel like I am becoming just like my friends who revolve around guys.But why are things not working out for me? I am thinking it's because I seem safe and boring compared to some of my friends who are definitely more upfront physically and also play mind games with guys. I don't do any of that, really. Even when we're at clubs, I will flirt and dance, but it's not even to the extent of how they are. Is it because since I do not play the cat-and-mouse game I seem too boring? My friends seem to calculate every little move with a guy, and I find it ridiculous, but is this really what draws a guy into a relationship? Should I settle for the next guy who comes along no matter what? Being surrounded by military guys all of the time I was sure I'd find a boyfriend easily, but again all of the guys who have asked me out tend to be the ones I am NOT interested in. Seriously! It's so disheartening. Recently there was this guy who I was taking a college class on base with, and he was so friendly and cute, and we got along really well! We had similar senses of humor, and he'd wait for me before/after class and during break, so we spent a lot of time around each other. Toward the end of the class I started kind of hoping he'd ask me for my number or something, because I definitely would have said yes. But he never did! I haven't spoken to him since before we took our final. I'm not sure what dorms he stays in, or where he works, and I wouldn't ask him out anyway (I'm not brave enough to make the 1st move). This is just ANOTHER example of a guy who I thought was cute and had a great personality and nothing happened! Story of my life. I saw him the other day on passing while at the BX, but he was in the barber shop waiting to get his hair cut. I didn't have the guts to find an excuse to talk to him. This is another guy who I end up going 'oh well' about.WHAT can I do to change this? I do want to experience what every other person my age is......relationships. I'm tired of being single. I'm confused why I seem to have bad luck with who's asking me out. HELP!!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2010): LOVE the star trek answer :) and i have to agree - "geeks" make the best boyfriends - they're sensetive and passionate and are always good around the house ;) On a serious note though if you have any interests that are fairly geeky (like poi, anime etc) then you can pick up a lot of guys in a sober situation :) maybe a book club?
As for shying away from intimicy and being embaressed - i think the trick is to push through it. When i started dating for the first time i often felt a little silly - mainly because we hardly knew each other. It seems you're gaining confidence in bars but as soon as alcohol and deminished responsibility is taken out of the equasion then you feel a bit lost. What if he doesnt like you sober? that kind of thing. The key to first dates is to tell them the best bits of yourself and what your interests are - if you don't know what they are then you should find out i mean how can someone get to know you if you don't know yourself?
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 June 2010):
 You want someone down to earth? Don't try to meet them in a bar, that is all I can say. Find someone cute on a more daily basis. If you constantly meet the wrong type of guy, change your hunting field. Just a little tip for now.
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female
reader, okoblivious +, writes (18 June 2010):
okoblivious is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, I wanna add....... the type of guys that approach me are the "cool" and "player" types. There have been a few I'm attracted to, but overall I just kind of want someone more down-to-earth and casual, quirky and funny, you know? Not someone who's all about what's popular and mainstream and stuff. If I'm explaining this correctly. This is why I hate that I have let the few guys who have been what I do like go, because upon reflection I just end up feeling awful I let the opportunity go. For example, both of the guys from tech school are just AWESOME. Not only are their personalities exactly what I described, but we had similar interests and could spend hours alone together and have it be natural and not forced.
-______-'
Definitely blew it. But I'm trying to look ahead since that was all the way in late 2008 and it's time to accept that was a mistake letting them go because the "time wasn't right" and we'd be graduating soon.
I just would like to find more guys like that. I don't want the guys who think they're suave or a player. I don't need drama or mind games. I'm not into that! I just want a normal boyfriend, lol. What are some good places to find a guy who is more maybe low-key/funny/interesting? I like some guy things (I'm a big DC/Marvel fan since I was a kid, UFC and NBA are my favorite sports to watch, I enjoy outdoor stuff not involving water/can't swim). I'm just curious on some other places to maybe meet a guy other than: work, dorms, club/bar, and through a friend. Does such a place exist? Lol. :D
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female
reader, okoblivious +, writes (18 June 2010):
okoblivious is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers guys! I have read through each one and am taking them ALL into huge consideration and thought! I definitely see your points and realize I can definitely work on some things (i.e., maybe giving off the "not interested" vibe, etc.).
I do want to clarify/add some things:
I am fine with flirting or dancing with a guy at the club. I e have done the whole guy buy me a drink thing and just exchange numbers and stuff. That's not really the problem, lol. I can and have "picked up" more guys than my friends depending on the night and guys we're around. We've all had our nights where we're the one getting the most attention. For me, I just freeze up when outside of the club. I can't explain it. But I've been on dates with a guy to the movies or something and it gets to that "cozy" point and all I feel is AWKWARD. Just awkward and not feeling it at all. So then I start to draw back, and then obviously things have not ended in a relationship. I guess I just find romantic scenarios awkward (outside of the club or bar scene). I can have a blast with a guy doing something fun (like laser tag) don't get me wrong, but once it's a change of tone, like more personal or serious, I just suddenly retreat, you know? Hope I'm explaining this right.
I know. I have to improve on this. I just don't know how. It's like a natural instinct I only realize I let take control until AFTERWARD when I'm analyzing the situation upon reflection. What can I do to maybe not find one-on-one serious situations (i.e., that moment where you're taking face to face and the possibility of a kiss, or some kind of relationship question, etc.) are about to happen. Because that's where I crash and burn. I find it easier to kiss a guy when I'm dancing with him than I do during a date. Is that weird?
As far as asking guys out go, umm....I don't know if I'd ever be able to be as secure to do that. Don't get me wrong, I'D LIKE TO BE ABLE TO. But I don't even like asking friends to do stuff (I don't like being turned down), so the idea of asking a guy out is absolutely, seemingly impossible. I've "suggested" things lightly while flirting a time or two in a club (i.e., well I dunno how you're gonna get to know me, you don't have my number, HINTHINT) type of stuff, but never flat out asking if they want to hang out or something :( I can be shy if I do not know the person well, which is normally the case for guys who aren't already friends. So me asking 1 out just seems.......impossible. I hate to be such a debbie downer, but it really does. What are some types maybe? Or maybe a slow transition to this point? You know, baby steps?
I appreciate all of this, honestly. It is giving me A LOT of insight, and A LOT to think about!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): I've been exactly where you are. Exactly. While I flirted with boys in high school and college and was propositioned on multiple occasions (hell, I even went home with someone, though nothing happened), I held my standards in place and rejected guy after guy until I met the person that I felt was worthy of me. I feel as though you're doing the same. And there's nothing wrong with this. Clearly, relationships to you are not to be taken lightly. They're a serious investment of time and emotions, and you want to be with someone who you're compatible with and attracted to, i.e., someone who meets your standards. My only advice to you would be to not judge a book by its cover. My first boyfriend initially came off to me as egotistical and macho, but this was because he was trying too hard to make a good impression. Once he dropped the act and behaved like himself, I saw what a kind, sweet guy he was, and decided to give him a chance. Maybe you're not doing this enough - giving guys a chance. The next time someone approaches you, why not try drawing them out of their shells a little through conversation? Not settling is something you shouldn't feel any shame over. I'm sure you've had plenty of opportunities to do this in the past, but instead of conforming, you held your standards and ideals in place. My boyfriend used to give me grief over starting out "later" in life. While I waited until I found the right person, he jumped into bed at 18 with the first girl who ever gave him attention - some slutty McDonald's fry girl that his father heckles him over to this day. She dumped him within a few months for an ex while I stayed with my boyfriend for 4 years. I may have started later, but at least my first experience was memorable, and for good reasons. Good luck to you!
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reader, chigirl +, writes (18 June 2010):
You've gotten some great advice here!
As an experienced dater I can tell you that... Alright, Im not a know-it-all on this subject and Im not sure if anyone are. But you turn down a lot of frogs before you even dare to kiss them and see if they turn into a prince. The grass is always greener on the other side. You think your girlfriends are the ones getting the funny guys? Well maybe they think you are the one getting the cool guys. Give them a chance for a date at least.
But like it has been said: if you only wait for a man to approach you, you will only get these men that you are not interested in. If you see a man you like, go for it! Nothing gambled nothing won.
Leave your comfort zone. You are expecting mister perfect to drop on your head, you have to take action! You should have asked that guy you liked for his number. You should have said yes to date those men who asked you out, but that you rejected because of the timing.
Take a chance. Don't say it wont work before you gave it an honest attempt. It's like looking at a bathing ball expecting the wind to just blow it up by itself while you just sit back and wait.
Quit the waiting. Learn how to play the game your friends play and get out there. It's not that men like mind games. But there is a game to be played, and if you play it right then you send of the right signals. Without knowing it you are already playing this game. And the signals you send out is "Im not interested, leave me alone".
So what's going to happen if you ask a guy out? He could say no. I've done that. I've had a few guys tell me no. I mostly flirt first and see if I can make him smile, and if I can do that, then there is a much higher chance of getting him on a date. And that is part of the game. Learning when a man is interested or not.
So he might say no, so what. You say no to many guys, and they still managed to get on with their lives. So will you.
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reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (18 June 2010):
 When I saw that this post was like 900 words long I was ready for a whiny self-pitying post, but I found reading this quite refreshing. You seem to be fairly down to earth, but even the best of us can't help but feel the influence of social pressures on how we live our lives.
You certainly shouldn't have to settle just for the experience, yet you don't sound like you have too high standards either. If its always guys that YOU aren't interested in that fall for you, either wait until the right one falls for you or suck it up and approach them. Cos girls who never approach the guys that THEY like, inevitably have to choose from the guys that like and approach her... which is a problem for you given that settling isn't really an option you're happy to take.
When you said "oh well" about the guy getting his haircut, you were just finding a way to justify not talking to him and not leaving your comfort zone. Some examples of other self-excuses might be, "he wouldn't be interested anyway", "he probably has a girlfriend", "the right guy will come along", "it just wasn't meant to be" and these really only stop you taking risks, when really, the best things in life involve risk. Trying to kiss someone for the very first time involves risk, but how incredible does that feel when you stick the landing.
You say you flirt and all that, but just not to the extent that others do. Say if you kick a soccer-ball, you can only really expect it to go as far as the amount of effort you put into kicking it will allow. Same thing here, if you put less effort into approaching and flirting with guys than you believe others do, you can't expect anything more than proportionate results. After all, doing what you've always done will get you what you've always gotten.
I guess my point is that maybe you should be more pro-active about approaching, flirting and conveying your interest better to guys that YOU are keen on. Either that or just be more patient and keep wading through the "uninteresting" guys until you find a decent one...
Best of luck either way :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): Oh honey - It will happen one day I'm sure! I really don't know what to suggest? Have you tried a dating site? It may make you more flirtatious and because its all behind a screen you can totally be youself - and then when you meet up it'll be weird at first but all of the "getting to know you" bits are out the way?
You could also just try going out with your girlfriends and seeing what they do and how they act - it seems you have the social life just not the skills to seduce a man (it really isn't hard... you accept a drink flutter eyelashes agree with everything he says and then tell him you're tired and leaving... if he tries to stop you - then you get his number... if he doesn't you move along to the next sucker who's willing to buy you a drink (cheap night out and fun!)
tbh its been so long since i picked up a random guy but i think that's how it went :) Good luck :)
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