A
female
age
51-59,
*eccaa
writes:Hello..my name is lisa..i am 40 yrs of age...i have been withmy partner for 8 years...the relationship has not been an easy one...in the beginning, he had a problem with jealousy (and of course it was me who paid), he also had a problem with alcohol and used to leave me alone to be out drinking with his friends (every night till 5 in the morning)...he has sexual problems which means we rarely have sex...in the past year he has "settled down"...ie , stopped drinking and seems to show no more signs of jealousy (i think the 2 were linked)...however, despite he fact that he says he is sorry for his past behaviour and loves me...i still feel he is not considerate....my father died recently and i live here with him in France (in his home town)where i cannot get employment and have no friends...he shoed me NO compassion or consideration whatsoever ..he just played guitar and tennis with his friends...he didnt even ask me if i wanted a cup of tea .If i ask him to fix the car etc... he has no problem, he will do it...but as far as any consideration, i feel it doesnt exist...my birthdays go un-celebrated, i have to litterally beg for a present. When i speak to my friends , they Seem to have it much better, their Bfs marry them, they live in big houses (we only live in a tiny flat)..their BFs arrange parties for them for their birthdays...i dont mean to sound materialistic, ..but i am always buying him little things he may need or want ...even if its just food he likes...i dont get any of that (he just looks after his own needs..Tennis)...i have little self esteem as it is and this just makes it much worse...i can hardly go on..i feel so isolated and unworthy. He does say i look nice and he loves me ...but i dont see any proof, just words...he says i should stay here in France to be next to him as he would do the same for me (would he???..he left me to go do a winter season as he loves to ski)..even if i am so isolated. When i try to bring these "sore-points" up...he generally says he doesnt give a damn..and i get on his nerves (even regarding the death of my Dad)..i feel like its my fault as when i get so frustrated, my communication tends to be a bit hysterical. He tells me i would never leave him and i should consider myself lucky... i do not (i do not consider someone NOT getting drunk everynight, makes me fortunate to have him)...if on the rare occasion he makes me a cup of tea, he reminds me about it..it does no come naturally..it seems like it is a struggle to "give"...i am used to my father for whom i had much love and respect. who was such a family man and was a giver like me...i am not used to this!L
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female
reader, Marte  +, writes (6 September 2008):
 Hey Lisa, you have a friend here. I know how frustrating it can be. I have been in a relationhip for nearly seven years and sometimes feel the same way. It can be so isolating. I hope you can find your way free. You deserve better, you just need to believe in yourself. All the best wishes to you.
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (6 September 2008):
 Sweetheart a relationship is supposed to be about two people pulling together and making the most out of life, you seem as though you are just existing and that is not a life for you.
So you have been with your bf for 8 years but if you cannot live a normal life i.e. have a job and some sort of life outside of him then you are not able to communicate and interact with others, it sounds as though he has everything he wants, i.e. a woman on his arm and someone he can treat any way he wants to and he knows that because you are unable to work you cannot get any money and therefore are reliant on him.
The fact that he left you on your own and went off skiing and doing things he enjoys just shows that he is only interested in his own things and not anything for you.
I lost my dad last February and it has been hell. My ex was living in the house up until February of this year even though he had previously had his own rented place but it was being sold and he moved back in 9 days before dad died. Yes he was here for our daughter who is now 7 and a half but I felt that the added pressure and arguments when he was living here again allowed me no time to grieve and I was very close to my dad. I also had to deal with all the paperwork with solicitors for my dad as my sister has a job that means she is on the road all the time and I had always handled all the secretarial things for mum and dad anyway so it seemed natural for me to continue.
I think you need to be back in the UK surrounded by friends and family, is your mum still alive and are you close to her or any siblings? I think you need to be around people who can give love and care around you right now, if your bf loves you as much as he says he does then see if he would be prepared to live with you in the UK, if not then you know it is a one sided relationship and you are better off out of it.
I would never tell someone to end a long term relationship without good reason but from what you are saying, if you cannot work and have no independence of your own and your love life is non existent to and you get no moral support from your bf what is the point.
After my dad died I realised that we have one life and it is so short that we have to make the most of it and there is no point in being sad and miserable, you need to start making plans about what YOU want out of life and if this does not include your bf then you need to come home sweetheart.
Take care and keep us posted OK.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2008): Hello Lisa :) its easy to see that you are from a loving family and believe in ties, from the fact that u have been with this partner for 8 years despite the fact that he has not been treating you well. The first thing to ask is are you really in love with this person, and then... why are you living with him? As you yourself have mentioned that your communication with him gets hysterical sometimes, u have a problem with self esteem, and he does sound complacent in the knowledge that u would never leave him. Is dependence the reason why u are still with him? Are u happy with the way things are? It is quite apparent that u do not want the rest of your life to be the same as it is now..& thats why u have asked for help here. If not then what options do u have? I am not sure but emotional abuse too seems to be one of the reasons for your low self esteem... and your dependence on him seems to be worsening his attitude towards you. Lisa I think you need to stand up for yourself. Show him and more importantly yourself that you are SOMEBODY. You may like to take a mini vacation, visit your parents/ realtive/ friend , if possible in your native country.In this time, you may like to take a look at where your relationship is heading, is it worth? You may like to take up a job (even if it is in ur native country)...it would work wonders for your self
esteem. Surprise yourself (and your partner) with a more confident you. umm...I believe love comes with loving yourself first! Love yourself and the world will love you :)
You may find a change in ur partners attitude 2wards you. If not , then he is made like that. There isn't anything you can do to change that. Its your decision what you want next!
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