A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How soon is too soon to have a conversation about moving in, or the next step? (marriage)My boyfriend and I have known each other for 3 years and been dating for 9 months. We are both in our late 30s. I have to move (lease is up) - so I mentioned how I have to look for a new apt. 3 times. He stayed silent. Finally I asked him - point blank. He said it was too soon to think about living together. I have a friend , also in her 30s. She's moving in w her boyfriend after 4 months. He asked her!I'm beginning to fear - he's the eternal bachelor. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2013): If you are backing off because that is what you need to do to hurt less then yes by all means do it. De-invest yourself from his relationship since it looks like it is not headed where you want it to. You cannot continue to put all your eggs into this basket since it looks likely to be a dead end.
But if you're pulling back only because you think and hope it will make him change his behavior then that's manipulation. Will it work? Who knows. Some people are really good at manipulating others. You can certainly try. But if it doesn't work you're still stuck emotionally where you are now which is feeling frustrated and desperate. Also even if you manage to manipulate him, that means the relationship isn't authentic anymore because at least one person is not behaving honestly or revealing their true intentions to the other.
Why not come right out and tell him that you're going to back off and give him some space so he can think about what he wants. That way it is not manipulating.
If you're willing to wait longer that's fine, it's your life so it's your call. I'm just saying that I don't think you will get closer to your goal by trying to change his mind. He knows what he wants, he just doesnt want to say it. I think it would be more fruitful for you to cut your losses and look elsewhere.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@So Very Confused - I already asked "what's going to change in 3 months". His answer : that's always been my standard in past relationships.
Right now we haven't spoken since early Thursday morning. Only texts where he is trying to be sweet and act like nothing happened. I have answered back (not sweet not angry. Just matter of fact). He did text that he knows he owes me an apology. But really - I'm not sure where that will put us. Maybe just smooth it over until it really is a year and then yes, I'd likely get the same non committal answer. I am very very sad.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 August 2013):
 he wants a year... that's 3 more months...
ask him "what's going to change in a year?"
"I don't know" or 'Nothing much" would be acceptable responses. THEN YOU LEAVE.... because nothing will change.
YOUR ONLY hope to see if he's serious is to leave 100% just break it off. Say "I'm sorry, I know what I want and I want to be married TO YOU"
then leave. no calls. NO contact. NO FRIENDS...
you will know within 2 weeks if he's going to change his mind.
so my advice:
leave
go no contact
tell him "come back when you are ready I'll wait as long as I can"
then go home
grieve your loss
take all the time you need....
and if you have not heard from him in two weeks... it's over.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo Very Confused - thank you! Gosh I need that truth - harsh but true. he's in his 40's. And I said that to him "you've been around the block enough to know - not being ready means you know I'm not the one". He denies it and says he's just always needed a year of dating . This sucks !!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 August 2013):
Sweetie... backing off and being unavailable is going to be game playing for you... its' not who you are and you are doing it to garner his attention more?
how long are you willing to waste time hoping to get him to be what you want?
if you were 20 something I'd say sure... but in your late 30s wanting a baby.... no no no cut him loose now and seek a man who wants what you want who feels for you the way you feel for him.
you cannot manipulate a person into having feelings that are not there.
he's known you 3 years... dating 9 months.. he's NEVER going to want what you want, because if he did he would be giving it to you already.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your advice. I'm not totally ready to leave him yet because I still want to hope he will come around. Do you think it would help just to pull back - put some distance - not be so available (like I've been). ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): He is not the guy for you. He isn't sure if he wants kids but your biological clock is ticking.
I had a friend who was in your bf's situation. Gf was in her late 30s and clock was ticking. He wasn't sure about the relationship or kids. She guilted him into marriage and kids because she needed a place to stay then once age moved in it was harder for him to give reasons not to marry her then once married he had to go along with kids. Today he J's married with 2 kids and very unhappy with his life. He is a workaholic to escape the trap he found himself in. I suspect he is having an affair too.
So your bf isn't the one for you because he does not enthusiastically want what you want. You could manipulate him into marriage and kids and you may succeed but it won't be the happily ever after.
I would suggest you leave him and continue the search for the right guy. If you are concerned about biological clock then don't waste another day on him.
Don't bother trying to discuss the future more with him. If he doesn't feel comfortable about marriage and kids now he will not know when he will be. Whatever response he gives will be to serve other goals such as to keep you happy so you will drop the subject for now.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 August 2013):
he's full of crap.. the "it's YOU not me" BS
1. he's a drunk... getting drunk once a week is alcoholic behavior. I live with an alcoholic... this week is a "non drinking week" and it's pleasant but trust me this weekend will more than make up for it.... you do not want to live with that uncertainty.
that being said... the same husband when we started our affair told me "I'm never getting married I don't believe in marriage, marriage is not needed, marriage is stupid"
and I was fine with that.
that was probably January 2011... his lease was up August 2011 and he renewed in April 2011... we figured if it worked out we would be together and he would move down August 2012. Well June 2012 (dating a mere six months) we realized that we just did not want to be apart and he made arrangements to get out of his lease by giving notice early... by December 2011 the man was in our home full time. We married October 2012 and three days before I offered to cancel the wedding... in all seriousness I DID NOT NEED to get married (having been married and raised my kids I was fine just living together) but HE WANTED and NEEDED to be married.
What changed his mind... he was in love. and he did not want to be without me.
The guy you are with likes you enough to date you, sleep with you, have a semi-casual relationship with you, but he does not LOVE YOU ENOUGH to live with you or marry you.
And yes please read A FINE Romance by Dr. Judith Sills... one of my FAVORITE books on being healthy in romantic relationships.
FWIW, most of the time folks know by 6 months if they can/do/will love their partner. I don't think asking "what's going on" after 9 months is unreasonable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Tisha. I will check out that book.
The corporate whore comment really hurt and I feel it was unwarranted and disrespectful. I told him so this morning (he's hung over). He said
I was being "too sensitive" and not to make this "a big issue ". He's accused me of over reacting when I back off. I backed off
After the initial convo didn't go well w the move in. Last night - he brought it up out of no where while drinking.
I guess some things come to a head for a reason
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 August 2013):
 Well, now you know he's a mean drunk, especially when he's stressed. He doesn't want to move in with you. That's your answer. Stop pushing him. If I were in your shoes, I might be reconsidering the whole relationship right now. You are allowing someone else's rather foolish move-in timetable to set yours. What that couple does has absolutely zero to do with him and with you.
What concerns me for you is that you are already concerned about a drinking problem. And he's mean when drunk. He actually used the word "whore"? Oof. How did that sit with you?
I have a great book to recommend. A Fine Romance by Judith Sills, PhD. Read it ASAP and see how it applies to you. I think it'll be an eye opener.
So stop pushing him, start reading and back way off for now. I think things will be clearer in a month's time. Renew your lease, you do not want to live with this man just yet.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLast night he got drunk. (does this more than once a week and he knows it's a concern for me)
Said he's scared, and thinks that I can do better than him. Says he thinks I just want him because I'm in my late 30s and I'm "settling". Then he got more drunk and said some mean things , including that I'm a "corporate whore" because I work for a big company and have my financial house on order while he doesn't really.
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female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (24 August 2013):
I feel for you. But the key to a great relationship is communication. Ask him where he see you guys this time next year. Be prepared for the answer. If he is not ready to make a commitment you need to decide what your needs are.
I hope your biological clock is not the one making your decisions.
You need to be honest with yourself.
Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe told a friend he's not sure he wants kids and isn't ready to commit further. Knows my biological clock is ticking. Says he's stressed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2013): I don't think you should've mentioned the whole lease thing. It just sounds like you are fishing for him to ask you to move in with him (which you were). That kind of tactic of beating around the bush when talking about big decisions like moving in together, always gives guys cold feet.
I've lived with a few of my boyfriends and to be honest, we never had the "are we ready to move in?" conversation. I just moved in. It starts with spending three nights a week together, to four, to five, to suddenly you find yourself paying rent for an apartment you never even use anymore cause you are practically already living with your boyfriend. And then you realize you might as well just make it official. I mean they didn't mind whatsoever, it was mutual, obviously my relationships were good and it felt right. And like your friend, it didn't take very long for it to progress to that. Maybe three or four months.
It's possible he isn't ready for a real commitment. I certainly wouldn't rule that out. But I guess it is also possible that he likes to take things slow.
How is the rest of your relationship progressing? Do you feel like he loves you? Do you guys get along great? It is hard to imagine that if he loves you and you both have an amazing connection and get along greatly that he wouldn't be open to the idea of living together. Especially after 9 months of dating.
I did date this one guy, he was the last guy I dated, also in his late 30's (and never been married) and he also had cold feet and a lot of hesitance toward solidifying any sort of commitment with me. And let me tell you, I am a fantastic girl. So I know I am not the problem, it's something within him. And while we did live together for a while, it was totally different from my past experiences. It never felt solid. And I felt like I was doing all the work to create this intimacy and potential future for us. It shouldn't be that way, it's supposed to be mutual. But I never saw that excitement in him and that sense of comfort that I felt with other boyfriend's that I lived with who were thrilled to be under the same roof as me. He was always hesitant and nervous like he had this wall up, like he felt tied down and always had one foot out the door. He even used to say that when we argued!
And we broke up and he left, he took his other foot out the door with him. And I know there was no other woman. I know he is not dating anybody. Some men have deep seeded issues when it comes to commitment, a lot of it stems from their childhood. They may have had extremely overbearing mothers (I know my ex did) so overbearing that it has left really deep scars within them. To the point that any sort of intimacy makes them fearful and claustrophobic as subconsciously they relive past traumas through intimacy. So instead they avoid it.
Its also possible he grew up in a very chauvinistic household and he developed a skewed sense of manhood. Perhaps falsely believing that having true intimacy and commitment would challenge his perceived sense of manhood.
Or maybe he is hiding something. Maybe he leads a double life that he does not want you to find out about. Maybe he is a drug addict, for instance. And he engages in behaviors that he can't have you noticing.
It could be any of these reasons, it could be all of these reasons. You gotta do some soul searching and find out what is really going on. Is he a commitment phobe? Or is he just merely taking things slow? Only you know the answer to this. You can tell these things by the way he talks about you, the way he talks about women in general (believe it or not), does he mention you when he talks about the future, the things he says about life, the way he treats you. Is he making responsible future plans like saving money, investing in a retirement fund. Do you feel like you have an amazing connection and that he really loves you. These are all key things to look for. If he is just taking things slow then you don't want to ruin a good thing by rushing him. But a guy who is scared of commitment is probably hiding some bigger issues that you most likely don't want to deal with. And if that's the case, you should cut your losses.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 August 2013):
 Nine months dating is too soon to be moving in together, and WOW at your friend moving in after a mere four months.
I think the wise thing to do would be to renew your lease, give him some breathing space, and when the pressure to move, or renew is removed, try to talk to him about where he sees the relationship going.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2013): I think you should ask him when he thinks he will be ready. If he gives you a definite timeframe then there is hope, but if he is vague or cagey then I would end it. It could be the case that he has legitimate reasons for wanting to wait, but if that's the case he should be able to name them. If he doesn't have exact reasons and a plan to overcome them (for example he's concerned you've not stayed over enough to judge how you'd get on, so he suggests you stay 4 nights a week instead of 2) then I'd worry that he's wasting your time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2013): I'd be leaving him. My ex is 39, It was me who said I wanted to move in, finally he let me last June... By January I was told he wanted his own space again so I moved back out. Finally come April it hit me.. What's the point!? And I left. Good luck x
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