A
female
age
,
*inkcloud
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We live together. What bothers me the most is that when we are out together, he always is looking at other women, and not just looking, but he undresses them with his eyes, he imagines things. I have told him how much it bothers me. He says I am jealous. Its not that. It is disrespectful to me. If he cared, wouldn't he quit? I ask him why he does it and he says "he is curious". What?? He has me. Why does it matter what they look like underneath. Its not like he is going to get it! I asked him to choose, that or me. He said he could not quit. So, I guess looking at women like that--means more to him than me??? Am I wrong at feeling like this?
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female
reader, Phayrmaiden +, writes (27 June 2011):
 IN ADDITION: no "quick looks" no "men being visul creatures" no "he can look at the menu and appreciate beauty" horsecrap. I am just as sexual if not moreso then my man, VERY visual and artistic....I do not need to look at other mens asses =P My man is all the hot I need. And he treats me like a goddess/stares only at me it seems, from waking up ugly in bed to being just one of the hot girls in the bar. He really seems to be only looking at and loving me. My insecurities come from elsewhere, myself. Oh, and yeah....it comes from people(douchy-dudes) commenting "Face it - men will always look, cheat or think about it. It's in their nature!" What, kinda like women being selfish, bratty gold-diggers that will chew you up and spit you out? Need I try and prove that wrong? Ask my man. Some misconceptions are just laughable though popular....
A
female
reader, Phayrmaiden +, writes (27 June 2011):
It IS quite disrespectful, BUT....I think (w/ ME, for instance) when it's said that the disrespect factor is the ONLY reason it bothers us, it's prolly untrue. I think it's maybe a cop out so we don't admit any jealous to them, the girl at hand, ourselves. so, get this: even tho-blahblah-I'm a "model/fitness teach" and "do not need to be insecure"(who:)does?) I STILL AAAM!!!(X100!) *And it eats me/my r-ship up daily* The more I try to be pretty/perfect or wtvr to combat my envy of others....the more I have to lose when the more I begin to see other chicks doin the same damn thing as me....but better w/ bigger boobs, lol! It makes me feel hopeless within my obsessive focus on looks/sex appeal and just in general, since the jealous/self hating emotions are so, so strong! I feel like my life is not worth enjoying because this issue plagues me so often. How can I go on to a life with my man knowing that there are going to be pretty people everywhere forever? I can't hide from them or this feeling! AND when I get sad about this issue my bf gets VERY frustrated. This makes me see for myself how ironically "unattractive" my problem is. Hm, maybe so much that he'll leave me? Though he swears he won't, can I be sure? And, wow....if he leaves me cuz of this, then he'll actually be single and could BE with those people in theory, not just glance at them on the street or see them in a mag or movie. So, yeah - I gotta tread lightly when I share this or even when I make a pout face based on somethin jealousy-driven. I feel so trapped and torn. I've tried to be strong for so long, chanted happy affirmations of my inner and outer beauty and even tried counting cute sheep in my head when this sensation runs thru me. Guess what? Still afflicted. Not getting much better. Well, that's false, because this site and some others have really kinda helped. They are my "girlfriends" because any real life girls I know refuse to listen to me bitch beyond when they'll groan "Please-you make me sick, you're beautfiful. U have NO right to feel that way!" I respond "Ever heard of body dismorphic disorder?" What good is being gorgeous when you see yourself as an ogre of sorts? So, sometimes even the plainest of chicks make me shake w/ intimidation because hey - compared to that monster in mirror, they're a princess! The idea of my boyfriend even watching a movie with me in sweatpants and the female star in a bikini or less....sends me into a fit of anxiety and tears. I WILL jump up and turn it off. Not in a bitchy way, just in a like "og, if you see one seconf of this you will dream of her to night and break up with me by morning or at least think of her in your head when I get boring" kinda way =) Yeah, it's pretty intense. I am 32 and he is 39 and we've def on this cosmic/soulmate kinda vibe for a year now. So much in love it's ridonculous and sickening to our friends =) Which leads me to my last point: I love him so much and yes, he really gives me so much attention. This fact, I thnk, makes me more paranoid of LOSING IT ALL. So, I guess you could say that's the catch of being this hard in love. Dammit. Heavy on the heartbeats, but the hurt's just as hard. So, for the life of my love, I'll just have to press on and seek recovery. As much as it hurts now, it's just too good to bail out, I've decided. Even if it means having to distract him in the quikie-mart while standing in view of the sexy mag's ;) Everyone is beautiful and everyone is ugly. But the only person you really HAVE to look at forever is YOU. Strive to be happy. THIS TOO SHALL PASS. ALL MY BEST, sad sistaaz! You are NOT ALONE!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): My gf hates when I looking at girls. she watches my eyes when we are out. i don't undress girls. but if i see a pretty girl i look. i have done nothing further. i've tried to change. i came to the conclusion that i won't change. its just something that i've always done. but i did stop smoking for her.
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A
female
reader, hendrixxx  +, writes (10 June 2008):
Hi
I don't like that either, and wont accept it from a partner.
I think your in the right and could find someone way better.
xx
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (8 June 2008):
 No man is perfect . Every man have their vices.
It is either ogling at other women , watching porn ,
alcoholics, flirting ,smoking, video games,workaholics etc.
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A
female
reader, pinkcloud +, writes (7 June 2008):
pinkcloud is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you again for all the responses. I just wanted to see if it was just me that was feeling this way, and to see if i was wrong in feeling this way. I also wanted to see male responses to see if men really are "creepy" that way. I do deserve better and he told me if I leave, "good luck with the new guy not looking at women"...all i said was "I don't mind if he looks, but to have sex in his mind--he will be thinking of me". I have been looking at apartments and I believe I found one. I have been looking for a while. I knew for a long time i was in a "dead-end" relationship. This was not the only reason to get out. There are numerous reasons. I need to be with someone who can respect me and want to be with me. Yes, it will hurt, for a short time. It will probably hurt if I ever see him out with someone else. But you know what--i may get a jolt of jealousy for a second but then reality will hit me and i will think "that poor girl"!!! He will do all the same things to her like he did me and all his ex's!!! Thanks again for all the replies. I'm going to go apply for the apartment. This is the first time ever i will be on my own. I always had my kids around and a man but they kids grew up, and the men did not!! Now, I will be totally alone. It will be different. Time to find myself!! I've been so beat down from men and i'm too tired and too old to "play the game" anymore. Thanks again--all of you shed some light!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): If what he's doing bothers you so deeply and he can't stop it, nor can you stop being bothered by it, you guys are just not compatible. Move on! Stop looking at men just to make your boyfriend jealous, and start looking at new apartments or roommates. Frankly I wouldn't tolerate such behavior from a boyfriend, nor would many self-respecting women.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (7 June 2008):
Do Women have Roving Eyes As Well?
I suppose no one talks about women being the worst oglers.
It is always the problems of men ogling at women in here.
Either men are not aware or they are just obtuse or dense..
http://www.pinksuzie.com/2007/09/13/do-women-have-roving-eyes-as-well/
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): Thanks, with the additional information, my only advise is: GET OUT! Forget about this guy, the sooner the better, he have caused you enough pain and humiliation. It will continue to cause you heartache,and you have no gaurantees that he will not do more, as he already cheated on you before.
Please be kind to yourself and as a woman with dignity and selfrespect, get out!
Best of wishes, yes it will hurt for a while but you deserve the love and hapiness of a decent man and not a "creep" like this.
Be strong!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (7 June 2008):
If you think it is disrespectful then it is disrespectful,
because it is you and not another.
Some men can undress women with their eyes.
Some men can commit adultery with their eyes.
Some men have no controls over their eyes.
I am afraid there is not much you can do about his eyes,
short of plucking them out.
There is no cure for those voyeuristic eyes.
You can either accept them as they are or you find another pairs of eyes who only have eyes for you.
Which is easier, asking him not to see or you pretend you are blind?
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (7 June 2008):
 Sounds like he's got his mind in the gutter and assumes that the rest of us men-folk are getting down and dirty along with him.
But he's wrong... "all guys" don't do that. I don't think I've ever been that transfixed by a woman (as you describe him staring at her on the dance floor)- and I certainly don't undress strangers in my mind. Perverts and creeps with no respect for women might gawk and stare, but MOST men are more interested in treating women as human beings rather than pretty things to stare at and fantasize about.
Maybe try explaining to him that the women he's staring at are probably going to be very uncomfortable under his intense gaze, and if he can't stop out of respect for YOU, maybe he should stop so that he doesn't come across as "that creepy guy"- the kind of guy that girls talk to their friends about with disgust. No one wants to be "that guy".
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A
female
reader, pinkcloud +, writes (7 June 2008):
pinkcloud is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was at work all day and could not respond until now. I would like to thank those who replied to my question. I would like to clarify a couple of things. I agree, it is OK to look or glance at someone of the opposite sex. Yes, I have noticed also. But again, a glance is fine. I know people look. But one night i caught him in a daze at this girl that was dancing on the dance floor with her boyfriend and i caught him checking out her bottom half and he was in such a daze, he did not know i was even there. another time, he had to kill his neck to check out a girls behind as she walked by. he has told me right out "im curious"...if he is wondering what is underneath, why is he with me? He says he loves me and is attracted to me, but HAS to look at others....is it to think of them while with me, for excitement? he says NO. there are trust issues from the start. He has been with his EX a couple times in the beginning. So, he blew the trust from the start. I have tried the game of looking at men more than a glance. He does not care. he says as long as i dont touch, he doesnt care. so, doing that didnt work. i have asked him to please quit because it hurts me. i have given ultimatums and even said im moving out if it continues. nothing works. he is content. he says he is happy. i know he is just comfortable and does not want me to leave. but i can not deal with this, it hurts too much and it is not just glancing. i have caught him many times. they are not just glance looks. they are deep thoughts. even he admits to being "curious". he says its just a "guy thing" that "all guys do it". i tell him, yes, i agree. to glancing. NOT UNDRESSING. he said he wont quit. that i have to deal with it and quit being jealous. he wont realize that it is not jealousy. it is disrespectful to me. if he cared enough about my feelings, he would quit. but he is stuck on the fact that "all men do it". again, i agree to the looking part. but not over and over and over and glaring and undressing and imagining and being so "curious". If he wants to be so curious, then he needs to be without me. and just go get it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): Accept the fact, men loves looking....visual is important to them! You have been together for 6 years, has he ever done anything to give you reason not to trust him? Maybe you can have a good chat to him, telling him how much you love him, trust him and that you understand his need to look, but to just make it less obvious, as it hurts you and it can be embarrasing to all parties concerned.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, youwillhateme  +, writes (6 June 2008):
yeh, obviously its not nice for you, and if its more than a quick glance, then it is disrespectful. if he is happy with you, he shouldn't need to stare at other women.
tell him that you don't like him staring, obviously he is still gonna look, but there is a huge difference between looking and staring !
good luck :)
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A
male
reader, Jamer70 +, writes (6 June 2008):
 I agree with Replacement here
Does you BF have a "im undressing you with my eyes" and a "i want to do things to you" look
Because if he does, he should stop as hes a perv
Otherwise looking at an attractive women is /usually/ innocent, and quick look then thats it, i dont know anyone who thinks of the things they wanna do to that women.
Talk to him again, i dont think telling him to outright quit will work, as are you gonna be following hes eye movements all day. I can understand how you may be offended but its not personal. Tell him to stop in front of you and stop being so forward, but quiting outright wont work with nearly all men, unless you blindfold him
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): You're not wrong feeling like this at all. I totally agree with you, and if he's looking at other women, then it's disrespectful to you. You should pay more attention to men and make this obvious, and see how he feels. Although that is kinda stooping as low as him, but you have a reason for it.
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A
male
reader, Replacement +, writes (6 June 2008):
Just out of curiosity- how do you know that he is imagining things? Did he tell you that? Because honestly, most people (male and female) WILL look at an attractive person if they walk by, but surely it's mostly innocent. I look at attractive women, but I don't think I'm ever thinking raunchy thoughts, it's more like "She's gorgeous" not, "I'd like to bend her over", etc, etc. It's a bit hard NOT to notice people when you are out and about. I challenge you NOT to look at men that you find attractive when you're out- it might be harder than you think. Anyway, if he DID tell you that he's undressing them with his eyes and thinking perverted thoughts, then he ought to stop. Because it's not just disrespectful to YOU, but I'm sure the women themselves don't appreciate it either... it will make him look like a bit (or a LOT) of a creep.
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