A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. The first year was great but since then we've had alot of personal challenges. For the past 1.5 years my boyfriend has been struggling with anxiety and depression. He couldn't cope with work anymore and quit. He's been through 6 jobs in the past 1.5 years, only ever last a week. He has these massive outbursts of anxiety, he screams and sobs uncontrollably. It's take a long time to calm him down. Once he's calm down He can see things a bit clearer. In this past 1.5 years he seems to be happy and enjoy life when he's not confronted with work, finances or anything serious in life. I find this a little confusing as one minute he can be extremely depressed because of serious stuff and the next he'll be happy watching football. Just a bit of background info, he started smoking pot when he was 14 to 25. He didn't do anything in the period apart from smoked pot, drank and claimed state benefits. He stopped smoking pot and reduced the drinking when he met me 5 years ago. He got a job in a shop for 2 years and managed to maintain that job. We then moved to a different city and he managed to maintain another job in the same company. He then wanted to try a professional job. So he got a professional job. Lasted in it for 3 months and then quit because he started to develop work anxiety and said that it wasn't what he wanted from life. Over this 1.5 years he's had a few weird messages come through to his phone from escorts in our area. He says that they must be mistakes and he doesn't know these people. I've never seen him send the messages but only messages coming to his phone. Recently he had one of those messages and I asked him to change his number. He immediately changed his number. No other messages have come through. He is pretty guarded about his phone though. He doesn't have any income though, so I don't think he's up to no good. His mum has been giving me money to maintain his side of the rent and food so he can live here but she has now said after the 1.5 years that she can't afford to give anymore money to him.In this 1.5 years of his anxiety and depression, hes always turned to me for comfort, love and support. But in this past week he's been so cold and said the he wants a break away back to his home ( he lives 600 miles away from family). He's also said a few times in his anxiety that he can't cope with life and that maybe it's best if we break up. Each time I've begged him to stay in fear of it being all over. I'm also worried about him taking a break home because he will have access to drugs etc. His mum doesn't this he should come up yet either ( he has an upcoming mental health assessment with the doctor she wants him to attend here). He says he loves me. I find this situation confusing because when he's watching the world cup football or when we had a BBQ at the beach yesterday he seemed so happy. He's woken up today feeling anxious and been in bed all morning. He says he'll get up when the football's on. I love him so much and couldn't imagine not being with him. But it feels so hurtful when he's being so cold and pushing me away. He keeps saying he doesn't even want the mental health assessment. He keeps says he wants to be alone.ive told him not to worry about money and that I will maintain the rent. But he keeps saying I can't as if he doesn't want to be here. What's going on? I feel like I'm going to burst out in tears every second of the day this week because it just seems like he doesn't love me anymore. Any insight would be appreciated?
View related questions:
a break, depressed, drugs, escort, money, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (30 June 2018):
 Much as you love him - and I do believe you love him very much - you cannot "fix" him. He needs professional help to start healing and get back on track with his life. At the moment you are both living this "half life" because of his mental state.
I agree 100% with Honeypie about standing your ground and insisting he seeks professional help and then follows the doctor's orders, otherwise this situation could continue indefinitely and is not good for either of you.
Perhaps you could discuss what sort of job he feels he could hold down without getting too stressed out. It doesn't matter if it's not well paid, as long as he can get back into "work mentality".
In your shoes I would also be considering "plan B" - that he WON'T seek help/follow medical advice about getting better and that you will have to make a decision about whether you want to continue like this. Despite your love for him, you know this situation is not making you happy.
Sending hugs. I feel for you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 June 2018):
 Sounds like he needs professional help. Has he tried finding a therapist/counselor?
I read an article (wish I could find it right now.. but the gist is) if you have anxiety the LAST thing you need to do is lay around in bed. It might FEEL like that is all he can do, but it actually gives the mind free reign to spin out of on control.
I think that makes a lot of sense. I do suffer from anxiety attacks (thankfully they are rare) and I have found that doing things that will OCCUPY the mind and/or body like running on a treadmill and watch TV at the same time... means that you start to focus on other things than the anxiety. You have to. Yoga which is calming can also work well here because you HAVE to focus when doing yoga.
I think he is having a mental break down. And yes, it can be due to smoking whatever he smoked in his teens. While it IS a very small percentage that are affected negatively long term by weed/pot/cannabis, he CAN be one of them.
I don't think he loves you anymore because he doesn't love himself and he doesn't understand that you love "someone" like him. Which in turn probably enforces the anxiety - the constant thoughts of "I am useless" - "I am worthless" - "no one understands me"... all those negative thoughts.
He has SO much on his plate (mentally) that he has nothing to give, nothing to offer.
I think UNLESS he seeks help ASAP & STICKS with it, that the BEST thing YOU can do (for you both) is for him to move back home with him mom/family. IF that is possible.
If he seeks help, then I think you have to decide HOW long you want to give him. Because this relationship isn't working. It isn't healthy and HE knows it, YOU know it (but you ignore it in the name of love).
YOU can not be responsible for him as well as yourself. He knows that and YOU know that (but you ignore that too, in the name of love).
He is a GROWN ASS man - he can't just sit on his arse and watch football while YOU do all the work in and out of the home. THAT is just not fair, reasonable or OK.
I understand that FOR NOW his anxiety is so crippling that he can not work, but see here is the thing, PART of his anxiety is BECAUSE he isn't working. It's a viscous circle.
So IF I were you, and wanted to GIVE him a chance I would make the "demand" that HE gets the mental health assessment and do WHATEVER the doctors orders - AND ... sticks with it.
If he isn't willing to do that, I think you need to let him go.
You can't live like this. This isn't good for EITHER of you.
...............................
|
