A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I think my mother has ADHD,I'm no professional so I may be wrong in diagnosing her but something is definitely not right..she's a wonderful mum but I'm starting to feel very frustrated with our relationship, I apologise in advance if this is long winded I need to vent,. I know that its quite common in a persons life that a time comes when it feels as though they have swapped roles with there parents and that it's normal but it feels as though this swap happened far too soon in our relationship.My mother is unsusually immature she never was an overly motherly figure, I used to envy cousins who would sit on there mothers lap or lie in bed and cuddle..I can't remember doing any of those things, I can't even remember her cuddling me or kissing me she just wasn't that kind of mother, it made her feel uncomfortable and she would want to detach herself if I tried to hold onto her. My earliest feelings towards her that I can remember were feelings that she didn't love me, when I started school I would become over whelmed with the idea that she was leaving me there and never coming back for me and I'd panicked and shout and carry on and it was extremely embarrassing and the other kids thought I was really weird.Having said those things I need to point out that she is a lovely women and she does love me and my other siblings very much. At the moment I am staying with my parents temporarily as I'm in the process of buying a house and our relationship is nice but also a roller coaster. She is completely erratic. She races aound the house and talks constantly about absolutely anything, she speaks over everyone else and will not listen to anybody.She starts jobs then stops and starts doing something else, she has angry and random outbursts over tiny little things, she is the noisiest person you'd ever meet she can't do anything without slamming doors or throwing things or loudly shouting across the house at anybody at all. I hadn't stayed with my parents for a few years so I had no idea her behaviour had gotten so crazy. She looses just about everything, the place is in disarray, every now and then she will spontaneously do things like decide the fridge is dirty and she will thow everything out, once she did this on the day that I'd gone shopping for groceries.She will go through cupboards and move things around and have no idea later where she put them or whether she threw them out or not,Every spare moment we have together Is spent over analysing things that have happened recently in her workplace, she tells me the things she says to people there and asks why there upset with her and I just want to die in embarrassment,she seems to have no understanding of other people's feelings and asks me questions with awnsers that would be obvious to most ordinary adults. It's like her mind is racing constantly and she can never focus enough to make sense of anything, recently a girl who had left her workplace joined my own workplace and hearing her describe my mums behaviour there was terrible,I hate imagining people thinking badly of her because it's so unintentional and she means so well. But I cannot approach the subject in any way she gets so defensive so quickly and she denies everything, she is completely obsessed with one man in particular who she has decided is a psychopath and for all I know he may but it's almost all she thinks about, she stops on the side of the road for hours literally hours after work on her way home and sits there googling psychology websites and reading about people's experiences with psychopaths and narcissists, my father was half convinced she was having an affair when she first started doing this, or she locks herself in the bedroom and refuses to awnser anyone, then later she will come outside and covertly tell me how everything she has read has justified her opinions about this person, just writing this disturbs me because I know how strange this is going to come across to others . And there are so many other bizarre behaviours I'm not going to mention. Just recently i was feeling very down about a past relationship that was quite abusive and hard to get over and I tried to talk to her about how I was feeling, she listened for about 30 seconds and said well that reminds me of something that happened at work...it in no way had any relation to anything that I had said and i was rreally hurt that I could bring up something so very painful to her and all she was thinking about was as usual her workplace.. so I went quite and just sat there and zoned out as she went on and on about the usual stuff. later she patted me on the arm and said why are you so sad today? She had absolutely no idea at all.. none. I know that as an adult I should not need to rely on my mum so much and I don't because she's not reliable anyway but she relies on me a lot and gets very depressed when I bring up my house or leaving. Sometimes she falls into terrible depressions and talks about wanting to die and I get very scared and try to cheer her up as much possible but the very next day she will be perfectly happy again,I've tried to convince her to see a counsellor or a doctor and sometimes she agrees but so far she still hasn't. I'm beginning to feel at the end of my tether, I'm hoping that perhaps there is someone out there who in some way knows where my mother may be coming from and maybe knows how I can best appeal to her so she understands what's happening and that things can be better, or maybe somebody else who has issues with a parent? It may sound like I am just a ungrateful daughter but it's not the case I am very grateful to my parents but very worried about my mums mental health.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 July 2018):
 I can totally understand why you are worried and nobody is here to judge you. I honestly think the best thing you can do for both you and your mum is talk to your dad and tell him your worries.
A
female
reader, anonem  +, writes (1 July 2018):
 Your mum is showing signs of dementia.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2018): Thousands of women of your mother's generation went undiagnosed with conditions like Autism, Aspergers, ADHD and Dyspraxia, because these conditions were originally only thought to apply to men / boys - or the situation was that because it was only men that were expected to be 'functional' ie. go out to work and keep the economy running, women weren't even on the radar for health professionals researching these conditions.It sounds like your Mum is on the Autism spectrum - symptoms can include having difficulty in modulating volume and tone of voice and having difficulty in seeing things from other people's perspectives. ADHD has links with Autism and it may be that she suffers from this condition too. Dyspraxia is often found in people with Autism and ADHD - though it is not part of the Autism spectrum - Dyspraxia can include (generally) having difficulty in organising and planning, being clumsy and having co-ordination difficulties. From what you say, it sounds like your Mum has at least one of these conditions. Getting a screening for the conditions can be difficult, because they are expensive. However, if she has a permanent job, her employer may well have some duty to ensure that she has a screening, if she tells them it is causing her problems at work eg. with training or learning new skills - I am pretty sure they have to help here and they cannot, by law, discriminate against her if she does have the conditions ie. they must put work conditions in place to help her to cope with work rather than just fire her or downgrade her.As daughter of a mother who died young, after being a very horrible mother, it helped me when a counsellor suggested she may well have had these conditions. Do try to get her to get help, because it will definitely affect your relationship with her and your self esteem.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 June 2018):
 EDIT...
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I really do hate auto-correct lol
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I wrote:
"Or maybe start by talking to your dad and have HIM call the doctor and see what your daughter suggest."
SHOULD have been:
Or maybe start by talking to your dad and have HIM call the doctor and see what your doctor suggest.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 June 2018):
Have you talked to your dad? (if they are still married and live together.)
I honestly think it's more his "job" to get her to go see a doctor than yours.
Part of this could be menopausal. If her hormones are totally out of whack she might seem "bipolar" or "manic depressive". And it could be early onset of Alzheimer's. NOT that I can diagnose anyone but it does sound similar to what my grandmother went through that last 4 years of her life after Alzheimer's hit her. She because very erratic, annoyed with people and she went from being SUPER anal with her house and herself to forgetting things. Like starting a meal on the stove and then leaving the house...
I think the best your can do is talk to your dad and maybe you and he can "gang up" and set up and appointment and just take her. Sure she won't like it but maybe she KNOWS something is wrong with her but she is scared of finding out. Or maybe start by talking to your dad and have HIM call the doctor and see what your daughter suggest.
And you are being a GOOD daughter, OP. You worry and care for her. Nothing wrong in that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2018): oh dear, the ever complicated mother/daughter problem!Your mother may be very wacky but her crimes as you list them dont amount to much.She stops at the roadside to read!Well thats hardly a hooker in the making is it?In fact bravo to mum for actually stopping the car.Good for her. No unnecessary accidents.I just hope that she doesnt google from behind the wheel.That would be fatal.It also tells me that she doesnt really get much time for herself.Really I don't think your dad should have implied she could be quietly having a bunk up at the road side..or did he imagine it to be more violins and romantic passions in a seedy hotel?At least you know where dads mind was during all those years of marriage.Look you don't just have a nutty mum, you have a loony dad too.In fact maybe they both suit because they are two self obssessed loonies together.However just because they both fall short you don't have to diss them.You can carry on being decent to them here and there but above all else just let them meander on and hopefully there is a method in their madness!Please get on and enjoy life while you can.In ten short years they could get alzheimers and forget you ever existed. "Who are you?" they will demand when you walk in. And Ive seen grown men in tears over just this problem.So as wierd as they seem just keep on smiling.Who gives a damn about spiteful office gossip.Sounds like someone in the office was jealous that they had no real dirt to dish.Maybe even wanted to make you feel uncomfortable.If you feel like youre crying on the inside, it gets worse, when they forget how to get home or who they are.These relationships are complicated because they are so primal so dust yourself down, put your nose in the air and tell yourself that wierd they may be but they are probably no worse than the rest of the world even if they werent gifted at parenting.They gave it a go and survived it.And you are very probably a wonderful person who understands that life isnt all about travelling in a straight line.Soon enough you get the chance to make your own parenting mistakes and can kick yourself about it when your brood is in their twenties and you cant see that you did a wonderful job!.Never compare yourself or family to T.V. life.Normal life is dirty, messy, smelly, difficult and beset with illness and worries but hidden in all that are magical moments and strangely lasting spirutual connections.
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