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female
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anonymous
writes: hi all,i have a BIG problem my b/f is very controlling to the point it has become mentally abusive.a small example the other night i suggested we watch a film,half way through i started nodding off he saw and turned my head towards the t.v and said u wanted to watch this so youll watch it. this type of thing has gone on for most of our relationship 10 years,and he seems to be getting worse as the years go on.now i keep telling myself that this is the man for me and he will change as sometimes he is nice.i feel unable to finish the relationship with him because i dont want to hurt him.and he has never hit me or anything but i have no life and am only 26.i have an ex b/f who i get on well with and has always been very special he makes me happy but i constantly doubt him and everybody else in my life.i need to make a decision and sort myself out but councellors,doctors friends and family havn,t been able to help me do this its a rediculous situation that has been going on too long and i dont want to b here in another 10 years moaning about this and missing great opportunities,it seems obvious dosnt it,finish the relationship right but i just havnt got the strength to do it.i cant sleep with him,dont like him to touch me and dont look forward to seeing him yet i must love himas i would be able to tell him its over yes or no and if you can make sence of this good luck and try to explain this to me thanks i dont want to regret finishing with him if the problem is me.xxx Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011): I am 19 turning 20 soon and i been in this relationship for about 6 months. from the day we started the relationship i new something was off about him. he told me what to do and when to do it. after a few days he backed off. i had two jobs and he worked from home. i would be gone everyday working and when i would get home one minute late he would come at me with questions. i am the type where i like to talk to the one i'm with; just about random stuff and i told him stuff that i did in my past and now he looks at me like i'm a slut. i regret the things i did but when the subject comes up on shows or movies he looks at me in disgust. it tears me up inside. he threatened to leave me cause i was talking to my ex (whom i left for him) and i didn't want to lose him so i cut off all ties with my ex. a month after that i found out i was pregnant and it was my ex's baby. the guy i'm with told me to get rid of it... and i did. (i cry till this day about it). after that i got laid off one of my jobs cause he wouldn't let me turn in my availability. he didn't like the place cause there was a constant flow of guys through the business and i was the only girl on staff. so i was stuck with my other job that i hated. i quit that one because he treated to leave me. i was left with nothing after that. i couldn't pay my car bill so now i'm waiting for the repo guy to show up and he wont let me get another job. he doesn't let me go outside the apartment to check mail. i wont let me wear a tank top and pants he calls it slutty. i live 15 minutes away from my family and i see them only once a month. he made me delete my Myspace and Facebook and canceled my cellphone (the company gave me a free month and he took my battery) he monitors my emails. i tried leaving so much times but he would run after me and drag me in to the apartment. i was a very successful young girl till i met him. hes slowly dragging my life down and idk what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009): hi I'm in a similar situation... I never gets better only worse. I have 3 kids. ages 3,4, and 6 months. the 6 month old is his.. he is very controlling where he don't want me talking to my girls father. always thinks I'm trying to get back with him. and I'm not. he has my cell phone in his name he check who I call or calls me my texts.. he takes back everything he buys me back. my laptop he got me last year for my birthday he took my truck back tonight. and he left.. (thank god) I'm stuck b/c I have no car now 3 young kids and no family to help me! I'm so unhappy I can't stand it.. I know I'm strong enough to leave just have no where to go and no help!! stay strong .. u are much more beter than what these men make us feel!!!
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male
reader, tiffany2  +, writes (27 October 2008):
I think its a good idea, its been 10 years? you'll leave eventually, you will get tierd soner or later trust me.I am 19 years young, i have a one and two year old by the same guy who is 25.I was 16 when i meant him and he was 23 we were together for 2 years we lived at his parents house. which should have been a big red flag at that point "23" and still living at home" but i fell in love. I got pregnet when only three months into the relationship, hell we barley new each other expessily each others "real colers". when i was about 4 months pregnet was when everything went to hell. By then we knew each other and he started to showhis real sides. I am not the kind of person that tolerates geting pushed around so when he started acting conrolling i knew i was in for it. slowly my frinds went away then it was familey to the point were i felt is if i had no one. at least everyother day i found my self in the basement crying missing my ex who treating me so good and i left for this ass. everyday we fought, everyday i heard about how nasty i was i dated a 28 year old (whom was my ex) he broke most of my belongings, he had shoved me down when i was 6 months pregnet,i called the police and he did go to jail then had the balls to ask if i would testify for him and of course i did becouse of that guilt i had i put him in there in the first place. things after that went good for awhile but thats how it always is. after i had my son i got pregnant again when he was only three months old. my secound son was only about two months old when i had my last straw with him and just left while he was at work one day. we stayed split up for about 7 months me and my ex got back together then i turned around and left him again for the "ass hole". I wanted to make it work for the kids i finished high school i drug the kids to school with me everyday i won a scholership i got my own place for me and my kids, got a job now hes back in my life again and slowly taken everything from me once agian. Now everyday i hear about my ex expessily sience i had left him to get back with my ex. he says he cant and will never trust me sience i did that and i try to explain to him in a vary sival manner how it never would of happen in the first place if he had just done me right to began with. hes teaching my oldest who is now two that its ok to call mommy a bitch. the worst of our relationship is the social and mental abuse he hasent laid hands on me in 2 years but social abuse hurts worst then the pysical.He always thinks im looking for someone else and or messing with someone else to me i think its self-eisteem issues he needs help. all i want in this whole world is to make it work beause when everythings going good and were getting along its wonderful and i start thinking hes the one i wanna be with but when things get ugly they get ugly, and it so damn hard to leave but if its in the best interrest for my kids then damnit its well worth it.
Your situation i know has to be hard, leaving and staying gone is the hardest part expessily if you have been with him for 10 years, you still have a whole life in front of you, making you watch a movie sounds like it getting pretty bad. somthhing that helps you get over leaving someone is metting someone new.
i really dont know much more to say, only you can make the decision and if finally you do leave plese please please do not believe any of the sorry ass bull shit the say to try to get you back.
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female
reader, flannigan1391 +, writes (6 August 2008):
hi im am 16 years old and i am in such a controling realtonship he is 25 years old and grown he tells me who to hang out with when to be home and how long i have to stay with them he has all of my numbers written down from my phone can never ever look at a boy or talk to them when i dont answer m phone he calls my house my dad mom sisters aunts uncles grandmas and grandpa and i was playing in my field hockey game and he called my team mate wich never meet him and cursed her out and demanded to speak with me and embarrased me so bad. i cry every day over him he hurts me mentaly so bad i wanna leave but then its hurts me so bad that i miss him i am completley brainwashed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): hi darl,i know how you feel i was with someone like that but it started to get violent, you need to get out; i know they tell you they love you and so on but in the end your not truely happy; and wat's funny i had an ex from 5 years ago that i still kept in contact with that made me feel special and "smile" also feel beautiful for i felt not good enough with my boyfriend. so i ran away from him left my unit for 2 months didn't let him find me or talk to him and deffinetly never seen him in person for it makes it so much harder and now i'm actually with my ex from before that made me "smile" and i've made sure that i will never b controlled but also to compromise plus also talk about everything no matter how little may be. And so far really working :). skye u can do it stay strong!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2008): hello i am going through a similar thing except i am only 18 years old and its slightly different. i have been with my boyfriend just over a year and hes always really abusive and puts me down calling me ugly and telling me how hw can do better. he goes mad over stupid things and doesnt let me go out with my friends. i don't have the3 strength to finish with him because i know he loves me even though he does these things and i love him to, sometimes he is so nice and does anything for me but i can't put up with the abuse and having no respect for me, he tells me he doesnt care if i am his girlfriend and says he wishs i would dump him. please help i dont want 2 finish with him but how can i control my own life
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male
reader, Mustbe  +, writes (31 March 2008):
Take it easy with him o.k, if u love him, you could talk to him about it and tell him how bad this makes u feel, i must tell u,if u brake up wif him, u may then find out how much u'll be missin him,and it get's bad 4 u, i must tell u, am a victim of that,plz don't loose somtin u cant replace, that is if u truly luv dis dude.have a nicr try. Mustbe Hart
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): Hello. I too am in a longterm controlling relationship. I have been in this relationship for 9 years beginning when I was 16 and he was 27. My situation is a bit more complicated because there is a 7 year old child, a product of him and I, involved in the equation. The man has a terrible temper that gets so bad that I will do just about anything to aviod the violent episodes. I feel like I am trapped. He has pushed away everyone who was once close to me. I want to leave but I know that he would sooner destroy me then have me go. We are both dissatified in this relationship but I don't see any way out. I find myself hoping that something terrible will happen, that his plane will crash or something, to free me from this situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2007): I myself was in relationship for 9 years very similar to yours. After those nine years 4 months ago i plucked up the courage and gave hm the boot. it was hard to do, although he was controlling and i had no life he had a heart of gold for me. i myself am 24years and he was my first bofriend. i didnt know any different and to add to that my family lived in uk whilst i lived abroad alone for 9 years, with him. i now have a realatonship worth keeping with a man who adores me and gives me everything i need. get yourself out and se what life is about. you only live once.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2007): Im in a relationship that is exactly the same as yours- in fact- similar to your example-- im terrified even to close my eyes while relaxing in front of the tv just incase he goes off on one!-- BUT like you I cant leave him. EVERYONE says I should- but I just cant do it. I hope we find the strength from somewhere to dump these controlling Bas*ards.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2007): Google the Dr. Joe Carver website "How to Spot a Loser" and buy/check from library, another good resource, "Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. You are on the losing end of this bargain, my dear. Make an exit strategy - you are more than what he would have you believe, you make him secure by being his doormat and it isn't your fault! Find the strength, safely, to get away. No contact is best once you get away; I took this ride and it ruined my life for 3 years - I almost let him bait me again, 2,500 miles away, to get back when 3 girlfriends had dreams about me being murdered and asked if I was talking to "him". These guys are good, they want you down and they don't see women as people, just "things". The abuse just gets worse and worse until you become addicted or try to kill yourself. Yet they love you? Please! Best of luck and I'll be keeping you, and many others in this situation, in my prayers.
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female
reader, Granny +, writes (8 July 2006):
 You are in a controlled relationship, and the longer you stay with him, the more your own self-esteem will be undermined. It seems like you already have lost all love for yourself and self-respect.
Dr. Pete has already given you excellent advice. Now take mine. I've been there, been humiliated, cried, never thought to have the strength to get out and get on with life. But I did it. It wasn't easy. You can do it too. And please do it today, respect yourself.
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female
reader, anasa +, writes (1 July 2006):
hello there - i have the exact same problem that you do - i am 25 and been with my partner for 13 years and he is so controlling that he stalks my house - he has smashed up 6 mobile phones in temper and if im 5 mins late the relationships over so i know how you are feeling - i feel so unhappy depressed and stressed - the guy is an evil man and i know it but still i stay trying to work something out - you are not a weak person and its not as simple as walking away when you have spent so long with someone - hve you tried talking to him and find out how he feels about your relationship? is he happy does he love you enough to change and understand? do you love him enough to work through the changes? ive rang counsellors about my situation and spoken to friends but still im in it and i feel like im wasting my life - i brought a book from wh smiths called 'too good to leave or too bad to stay' by mira kirshenbaum its a really good book - it basically gives you a load of questions to answer and think about honestly and at the end of the book you will find out if you should stay or go - i really think that you should give it a try - i gave it a try and its helped me loads based on the book im seeing if me and my boyfriend can get back on track and then will read the book in a few weeks time to see if the answer is still too bad to stay - i hope this helps you
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2006): anonymous you know that if 100 people replied to your mesage saying end it, you wouldn't. This isn't because there is any thing wrong with you, it's because if it were a simple case of deciding yes or no, you would have done it years ago, wouldn't you?
You say councellors have not worked, would you be willing to try a new one and see if that's any better?
A decision to end the relationship, and actually go through with it will involve a lot of work and planning. The right councellor should be able to help you concentrate on your motives, and develop your self confidence that will enable you to make that decision and stick to it.
You can do this, just by posting your question on this websit shows you've taken the first step. All the best, ok? :)
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female
reader, amelia +, writes (30 June 2006):
10 years is a long time and a difficult one to let go of. At the end of the day you have to think is this making you happy. A relationship should be about being happier not sadder - you have to possibly spend another 10, 20 30 years like THIS? The fact that you have seen doctors, counsellors etc about it means that you are definitely sad about things and therefore he is not making you happy. If I were you I would leave when he is away so that he cant get abusive. Arrange with some friends to collect your things and just go. Please do it now before you waste anymore of your rpecious life. YOU CAN BE HAPPY ALONE IF NOT WITH SOMEONE ELSE - WHATS YOU ARE IN NOW IS NOT LOVING RELATIONSHIP. Its torture xxxx
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