A
female
age
36-40,
*azed'n confused
writes:Well, i've been with my boyfriend 4 years now. He is married with 2 kids, but separated, we've lived together abroad for 4 yrs while his wife n kids lived back home. I put up with this situation for 4 yrs then decided that it was time to put him to the test. i asked to move back home to see if he would live with her or me cuz i wasn't about to be his mistress back home. also i was sick of living just for him abroad giving up career, family and everything else. so upon our return, as we had agreed, I opened a women's clothing store for myself to become independent and have something to keep my busy. Unfortunately since that moment all went wrong. When we arrived he did move out completely of his house and started talking seriously about getting a divorce and so things got really stressful for him, while on the other hand I was facing all the stress of starting a new business and living alone again. I'm 25, he's the 39 and very well off, so as my new job was so tiring (9am to 8pm hours) i would sleep earlier and wake up earlier which we hadn't done together for a while. he kept nagging about it and wanted me to "be there for him" and although i physically wasn't always there, emotionally i did everything to support him. He on the other hand did the opposite. He had promised to support me and help me out a bit financially to get started, maybe become partners with me, but as i was falling asleep early and having lot of health issues, he started getting mad. He then completely cut me off both emotionally and financially, when he knew i had no other support than him for the past 4 yrs(which is only because i gave up working for him) and later on had the audacity to tell me that he did this because things weren't good between us and to top things off continued with telling me that he had spent tons of money on gifts and on furnishing my new appartment (which i never asked for but rather he did for his own comfort when he came over - i mean people what girl gives a shit about surround systems and 50' tvs?)I wasn't going out all night partying, seeing other guys, drinking or any of the sort...for the past month i had simply been working my butt off to make something out of myself and regain some of my own self esteem.He left to go check on his business abroad about 2 weeks ago (he owns a restaurant and club) and well, he's been partying every night till dawn,spending his time at casinos,laughing and drinking, and if i ever say anything he lashes out at me and says that i'm the one who screwed up our relationship.I'm young,not stupid or anything, not ugly either, but for some reason i can't get over myself and dump him. the thought of living without him is slowly killing me and being with him is killing me even faster... what do i do?? i'm lost, so damn lost. my dad likes him, everyone else i know hates him for what he's putting me through and frankly i'm starting to. i never doubted him being faithful but lately i dunno anymore. i asked him for one thing only which was to admit that he was hurting me and acting wrong with me, and he then yelled at me telling me that i was wrong and he wasn't and would never admit to anything. How the hell can i fix this? I'm tired of always fixing things but I don't know what else to do...someone, anyone, helppp
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 December 2010):
Sadly it's always easier to say a few words than to actually do what needs to be done.
But this is your moment. You've got to stand up now, before this gets worse for you. I think the first thing you should do is speak to a solicitor. If you plan now, and get everything ready to leave, then leaving will be much easier.
A
female
reader, Dazed'n confused +, writes (16 December 2010):
Dazed'n confused is verified as being by the original poster of the questioncaring guy, ur answer is what i know in my mind and in my heart. unfortunately sometimes words are easier to speak than to act upon. i have tried over and over to get him out of my life but somehow he always finds a way to sneak back in and as stupid as it may sound, he was so different. he was charming, caring, loving, cooked for me, took care of me and made me feel like the luckiest girl alive buttt never had the balls to leave his wife cuz of fear of damage to the kids. i knowww i sound like i'm giving him excuses, but i think i'm just giving myself one and trying not to feel like a total shmuck to have fallen for him. i met him 4 yrs ago as i was getting a divorce myself, i needed a shoulder, i needed love, i needed a man. he was there, and he took me under his wing. leaving him now kinda feels like the end of the world, cuz first of all i don't live in a country that helps u make something out of urself (lebanon, beirut, u know all that middle east crap) and second, i'm plain and simple scared. i'm 25 and completely alone. barely any family, no friends and this guy has literally been my life for the past 4 yrs. i don't know what to do cuz frankly i'm so tired of starting over in my life and honestly don't know how i feel about marriage anymore (kids i adore though). So how can i walk away from him with total confidence and guilt free? he's 39, 15 yrs my senior and knows how to manipulate the hell out of me, how do i stop him from doing that??
thanks for ur reply by the way, feels good to be heard :)
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 December 2010):
As a man, sometimes I find myself scratching my head at the choices some women make in other men. I consider myself to be a smart guy, but even now I wonder what makes a smart, intelligent hard working woman like you choose a completely selfish, self-indulgent moron like your boyfriend.
I think the time has come for you to take off the rose tinted glasses, and really just see this guy for what he is. Here's the list.
For 4 years, he didn't get a divorce even though he was seeing you. Why? Either he had some intention of going back to his wife, or he was cheating.
When you opened your business, he showed no support whatsoever, even though you've shown him all the support you can.
He broke a promise about helping you with your business.
He then cut you off emotionally and financially.
He's been at casinos drinking and gambling, with little regard for how you feel.
He then blamed this all upon you.
Everybody hates him.
He won't admit that he's hurting you, and in fact yelled at you about it (notice the irony went above him).
Now there's a nice, long list for you to read back. And if you seriously can't dump him, then you need to get professional help to discuss your huge lack of esteem and the lack of respect you have for yourself. You need to wake up. If you want any kind of life, kids, marriage, happiness and all the rest, you've got to move on from him NOW.
The alternative is that one day you'll wake up aged 40, unable to have children, unmarried, unloved and alone. And then you'll wonder what the hell went wrong.
Stop being a doormat, and stand up and get away from him. It's not as hard as you think. It's just a case of looking in a mirror and deciding whether you want to be a nobody to this guy, or a princess to a far better one.
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