A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 24 years old, and have been with my 27 year-old boyfriend now for 2 years. On paper, everything is perfect - we get on great, he makes me laugh, we have a flat together and both have great jobs in the city.The only problem is, he's completely passionless.Living with him is essentially like living with a best friend. Yes, we watch TV together, argue rarely, and cook for each other - but we literally have sex about once a week, and even then it's only at the weekend, as he claims to constantly being "tired from work" (he works in an office job. The same as I do. And I am never tired when I get home). I am so utterly fed up of my sexual advances being rejected every night - I feel like crying myself to sleep.The trouble is, we've had this discussion 3 times before, and it always ends the same way.... with him calling me "sex obsessed" and saying I need to "chill out" - and me apologising every time. I feel so bored and stifled with him - all I want is some passion, a kiss that last more than 3 seconds, for him to touch me in public (even if just an arm round the waist) or throw me up against a wall - or even just HIM starting sex for a change.I can't think of a single time we've had sex that wasn't started by me. It depresses me so much, I can never stop thinking about this - and when I hear the lads at work talking about their girlfriends with such happiness and pride, it hurts like hell..... because I know my man doesn't want to leap on me like those guys do their women.Even worse, there's a guy at work who's admitted he really likes me, who I like too - we've never kissed but certainly had a few "moments"..... every time we talk it feels like 6000 volts are shooting between us - something my man has never made me feel.I feel I shouldn't judge him because he was abused as a child by his mother - I know that probably has something to do with it. But our sex life was still fine in spite of that - until we moved in together.And it's not just the total lack of sex - I'm starting to realise we're completely different. I know opposites are supposed to attract, but he won't even CONSIDER coming with me to a film he doesn't like the look of, or giving me a back massage when I'm aching (because he "doesn't like doing them"). I just feel like I jump through hoops to do nice things for him - surprising him with a romantic text, planning lovely meals, coming home with little gifts he didn't ask for - whislt he never does things that make me happy. I'm a firm believer in "the little things" - and yet the best he can sometimes come up with is 3 kisses on the end of a text that's asking me to put the dishwasher on. Don't get me wrong, I'm not someone who constantly demands trinkets and such. I just want the affection itself.The long and short is that it feels like we've been married 45 years..... and it's only been 2. I have no idea what to do - my friends all say I should leave him, and if I'm honest, I've been having constant conversations in my head wondering how to do it.But he's now looking at us getting a house together.... and I have no idea what to do. Part of me can't CONTEMPLATE leaving him - he's all I've known for 2 years, he's my first proper relationship, and after all the pain he's gone through in his life, I don't want to hurt him. But I constantly feel like things can't go on like this.I've tried talking to him several times about our sex life - but he just gets really annoyed and irritated until I feel like I'm pestering/pressurising him. Things get really awkward for a day or two, and then I apologize like crazy till we start talking again. It's always the same.I know I probably AM pestering him, but I have needs, and I feel like they're being completely ignored. I love sex, and want to feel wanted as much as I want him. But he just doens't have that romantic/passionate spark in him. The guy at work who I've known for only 4 MONTHS flirts with me and makes me feel more wanted than my actual BOYFRIEND does.Should I leave?
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female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (20 March 2011):
 I agree with Youwish, if the passion isn't there now it probably never will be. Next time he mentions getting a house I'd tell him, that you don't think it's a good idea. Tell him that you love him but you want and need more passion in your life, and it's obvious that he doesn't. He doesn't even like the same things as you like going to a movie. So you don't think it is going to work out between you. Because he resents it when you ask for more and that makes you feel unwanted and rejected. That being good roommates is not enough for two people to build a life on as a couple.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 March 2011):
 It's interesting how in a relationship that is lacking, someone from the outside comes along and both enhances our current boyfriend's shortcomings and brings temptation to a weakened resolve to faithfulness.
One thing you're right about - such relationship apathy is usually found in marriages that have lasted awhile. He's secure, he loves you, but he's taking for granted that you will always be there and that you accept him for who he is.
You've tried talking to him about sex. This is a valid need. And while it's not keeping a record of who does what "little things" for whom, the presence of loving gestures and thoughtfulness is an indicator of feelings of love.
What's interesting to me is that he's looking at buying a house with you. I'm sure that he loves you, or that wouldn't eveen be talked about. He sees a future with you, but he is oblivious to your present.
What you must not do is cheat. Keep this new guy out of the equation until you either decide that your relationship with your boyfriend is salvageable or you end things with him. Bringing a third party into a relationship will never give you what you want, plus it will start the new relationship off wrong, which will seriously taint it.
Your choice. You're at a crossroads now.
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