A
male
age
26-29,
*ob7890
writes:My boyfriend recently was discharged from a mental hospital where he was being treated for bipolar disorder. A psychologist there told him that he must cut me off to spare me pain. I think this is ridiculous but he listened. I also found out that he has isolated himself from all his friends. We all care for him and miss him. We want him to communicate with us and i want to see him again without him feeling the need to isolate himself. This isolation causes more pain than good on both sides. How must I handle this and what can I do?
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female
reader, Runaway Girl  +, writes (4 April 2015):
Can I ask Abella, how you have come to these conclusions????
I take it you have Bipolar or are qualified to speak about such an illness. I also hope your comment about an ignorant person is not directed at me.
Unless you have Bipolar NO ONE should assume what that person is thinking. Sometimes people assume they are doing the best for their loved ones with Bipolar but instead they are causing more hurt.
Support comes in lots of different ways. My family try their best but how can someone with Bipolar or any mental illness explain to someone else how they are feeling if they don't know their themselves. has anyone thought that he may have come to this conclusion to isolate himself after a therapy session and this is his way of dealing with the thoughts that surfaced during this session.
I wish people would remember that even though people with Bipolar are ill, we still can still think for ourselves. Still get up and do our jobs, and still have fun but most of all we still have a voice and still deserve people to respect our thoughts and listen to us when we speak not overide what we say. If we choose to say goodbye to someone who is supporting us we are doing it for a reason.
Abella and her comments seems to do the one thing that should not be done and that is do our thinking for us.
I love the way so many people assume that they know what we want when we don't even know ourselves.
For those who seem to know what is best for people who are mentally ill, you don't only that person is ill do and its them who are dealing with the illness.
If they want to socially withdraw allow them, if
they don't want anything to do with a person let them do that. Nothing is worse than pushing them, as it can cause mental distress.
If anyone wants to question what I have wrote its coming from someone who has had bipolar for twenty odd yrs and still struggling with all it throws at me.
Try reading a Bipolar forum with people like me talking to others with the condition. Telling you their thoughts and their fears then come back here and tell me I am ignorant and don't know what I am talking about.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (4 April 2015):
 hi
An ignorant person might give such prejudiced advice.
A qualified Psychiatrist would see a significant in the life of the person with Bi-Polar as a very positive thing. If the significant other was prepared to familiarize themselves with how to best support a person with Bi-Polar and understood to never Minimize nor Maximize their reactions when offering a listening ear or support to a person with Bi-polar.
Everyone needs some reliable supportive non-Judgemental friends. Talking to others (the same others) is a Good way to get emotional support and give the same to others, when possible.
There are many people with Bi-polar who have families, friends, and acquaintances.
They also shop, have hobbies, and many have jobs and earn an income, where possible, even if part time work
To suggest that a person cut themselves adrift from all levels of previous suppprt
Is a recipe for disaster. Perhaps the head Psychiatrist should counsell the psychologist to get better acquainted with what is bipolar.
However of a person feels that they are not emotionally strong enough to provide support and go on supporting a person who suffers from biPolar then at least consider getting some counselling -
To see if there is a compromise possible that would allow some support to still be given.
I would imagine that ANY person, whether suffering BiPolar or not , would be devastated to be suddenly cut adrift from All support from All family and friends.
Leaving then so badly grief stricken that their health might very quickly unravel.
The Psychologist should realize that if everyone suddenly chooses to ignore and withdraw support from a particular person, (and in this situation) that is actually a form of BULLYING and ABUSE and the word for singling out one person like that is very psychologically harmful and it is called OSTRACISM.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (4 April 2015):
hi
An ignorant person might give such prejudiced advice.
A qualified Psychiatrist would see a significant in the life of the person with Bi-Polar as a very positive thing. If the significant other was prepared to familiarize themselves with how to best support a person with Bi-Polar and understood to never Minimize nor Maximize their reactions when offering a listening ear or support to a person with Bi-polar.
Everyone needs some reliable supportive non-Judgemental friends. Talking to others (the same others) is a Good way to get emotional support and give the same to others, when possible.
There are many people with Bi-polar who have families, friends, and acquaintances.
They also shop, have hobbies, and many have jobs and earn an income, where possible, even if part time work
To suggest that a person cut themselves adrift from all levels of previous suppprt
Is a recipe for disaster. Perhaps the head Psychiatrist should counsell the psychologist to get better acquainted with what is bipolar.
However of a person feels that they are not emotionally strong enough to provide support and go on supporting a person who suffers from biPolar then at least consider getting some counselling -
To see if there is a compromise possible that would allow some support to still be given.
I would imagine that ANY person, whether suffering BiPolar or not , would be devastated to be suddenly cut adrift from All support from All family and friends.
Leaving then so badly grief stricken that their health might very quickly unravel.
The Psychologist should realize that if everyone suddenly chooses to ignore and withdraw support from a particular person, (and in this situation) that is actually a form of BULLYING and ABUSE and the word for singling out one person like that is very psychologically harmful and it is called OSTRACISM.
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A
female
reader, Runaway Girl +, writes (2 April 2015):
I am myself Bipolar. Even though I have a relationship which is really not good for me, I have never been told to end it but if I was told and it explained to me why it would be good for me of course I would if it meant I could get back on the road to recovery. No one unless they suffer from this mental illness will understand the sheer torment of feeling as though your brain has been scrambled and placed in your head in totally the wrong order. It could be that your boyfriend just cannot handle the relationship at this present time and needs time out to deal with life in his own way. Isolation is the way we cope and I expect for him to feel better about things and to get through the day being without you is one of the things he needs to do. Isolation also means we don't hurt other people. I have isolated myself apart from my mum and sons and my very understanding boyfriend of 4yrs. I no longer have friends and I am happy that way in my own world. I have pushed him away so many times and cut contact, but he has learnt to let me have that time and once I am through that crisis we pick up where we left off. You need to respect that even if he has been told to cut you out it is for a very good reason and only his care plan and the medical team and him will know why and to be honest I would not want anyone knowing what I have discussed with my mental team that is private and it would probably scare off the strongest of people and if I knew it could be discussed then I wouldn't open up and tell them my deepest thoughts and ts those which means I get the treatment I need. If you love this guy you wont push him, you will do as he asks until he is able to deal with things if ever. Making him stressed can and will be detrimental to his progress.Step back and make sure he knows you will be there if he needs you. Understanding on your part will mean everything to him, keep pushing for answers and it will just confirm that his decision was right. It takes a very special person to be in love with someone who is Bipolar. We never show our appreciation we just treat you badly. But if you truly love us then you will understand.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (2 April 2015):
One of the more pertinent points is that you actually do not have legal access to his full medical information because you are not next-of-kin and unrelated; legally, you don't have full access to his medical information through his doctors. Whatever your boyfriend chooses to tell you isn't necessarily what the doctors are telling him. What you are hearing is what your boyfriend chooses to tell you unless you are in counselling together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2015): [EDIT] "It's what you don't that you're doing that can be the most harmful."
Here's a better way to put it:
It's whatever you do, that you're not aware of; that could be most harmful to your boyfriend.
Sorry for any missed errors,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2015): I would never take the position on this site of second-guessing the advice given to a patient by a licensed and professional psychologist. Even if anyone here is a trained and practicing therapist, no one has evaluated your boyfriend. Therefore no one here is in any position to tell you otherwise. There is no way of knowing if what he told you is true; but if it is, there may be a reason for it.
He may be under too much stress from handling a relationship; and he may have told his doctor some things regarding your relationship. In the doctor's professional-opinion, those things may be considered unhealthy for his/her patient. You may unintentionally trigger symptoms in the patient, that may be setting-back or aggravating his condition. Relationships with mentally-ill patients are often very turbulent, aggressive; and unfortunately, too often violent. Especially where two males are involved.
I like to give advice, but I don't go against professional medical advice. Your boyfriend could be lying, or he may have totally misinterpreted the doctor's suggestion. In any case, if you see no improvement in your relationship; what is the point of staying? He has to want you there.
If he is ill, I would think a doctor would offer advice that would be in the best interest of his patient. If your boyfriend lied about it, then it must be his own choice that he wants you to go. You should respect the suggestion, in either case. He may want out, and feel too unhealthy to deal with you. He may want you to find a better situation for yourself, even if it means he has to give you up.
People suffering from bipolarity often cannot differentiate reality from a voice in their mind. He may have told his doctor untrue things about you. He may see things from a totally distorted viewpoint. In any case, you know he isn't well.
Will remaining in the relationship be fulfilling for you; or will you place heavy demands on him to function like a healthy person? He will definitely place some pretty serious demands on you and will wear your patience to a frazzle.
He's not be able to give you what you need in his present state. You may not be adept at handling his bipolar-episodes. You may even trigger depression or other symptoms trying to hard to be supportive. He had to be in critical condition to be hospitalized. He might do harm to you or to himself, if you don't handle things properly.
Have you ever asked your boyfriend if you could both sit in on a few of his sessions with his doctor together? If that is at all possible, you might get more insight on what is actually going on. It sounds odd that a doctor would suggest someone leave their mate; unless there is abuse, undue stress, or violence. I wouldn't expect you to admit to any of this. It's what you don't that you're doing that can be the most harmful.
I would recommend that you assume what he told you is true; and try not be selfish. If it is in the best interest of his recovery.
Your feelings will mend a lot faster than his mental-illness.
Even if he isolated himself from friends; he would have to go to scheduled-therapy, and his doctor will be monitoring his progress and behavior. If he was hospitalized before, he will be in the hands of professionals more prepared to deal with his mental-condition, or any crisis. Well, sometimes that form of healthcare can be questionable and deplorable. Hopefully that is not the case for your boyfriend.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (1 April 2015):
 Main thing is be sure he takes his meds on time. "Off meds" is a bad thing. If he refuses meds then you need to go.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 April 2015):
 I agree that if my therapist said I need to END my relationship and I didn't want to, I would probably not do it.
It's possible he wants to end it and is using the therapist as an excuse.
what you must do is say "I am not happy with this but I have to respect your feelings and you need to know that I will always be here for you"
IF he is your age or younger and you know his parents can you contact them? (yes with mental illness sometimes I think contacting family members is appropriate) if you are worried about him isolating (which is a good thing to worry about as isolation is NOT healthy)
or can you contact the doctor to SAY "he's isolating from everyone" because if he is that is NOT healthy.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (1 April 2015):
Even if your boyfriend only SAID that the Psychologist told him to end the relationship, whether or not the Psychologist, in fact, said it, the only certain thing is that Your Boyfriend said it; and HE is telling you that he wants the relationship to end. He wouldn't have Repeated it unless he wanted the relationship to end.
I think you should respect his wishes and let him try to figure out living with being bipolar on his own. It sound like he wants space. It sounds like a relatively new diagnosis and I'm sure that he needs time to come to terms with it and learn to deal with the meds and how to deal with how he feels about being bipolar.
Having said that, there's nothing wrong with sending someone else, say, another friend around to check up on him every once in a while. I hope he has family arounds him as well. Best of luck to you and to him, I know several people who manage to live well with their condition now that they have come to terms with their bipolarity.
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