A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I need so much help that I don't even know where to start. First of all, I need some help understanding my boyfriend. Secondly, I need help dealing with my mum in response to my boyfriend problems.My boyfriend of 10 months has been mistreating me for some time. At times, things are wonderful, but almost as soon as the happiness begins, he begins to treat me like dirt.I'll give some examples. When I am all dressed up and looking good, he dotes all over me and professes his love. He also does this when he is drunk.However, he often cancels plans to see me; often gets rid of me quickly when I call; when he makes promises to see me and call me they always fall through as well because he is at home watching tv. He is also quite selfish and at times very rude, telling me I expect too much of him; he openly checks out other girls in front of me and msgs other girls on facebook.I cry a lot because of how insecure he makes me feel. I feel especially insecure because the girls he looks at have big boobs and I have no boobs. I also have recently put on about 10 kilos and although I am a healthy size and weight, I feel really insecure when he points this out.When I tell him how I feel he just gets all angry and defensive and says I'm just trying to make him feel guilty. On Christmas I was especially upset, because I really wanted us to go out as a couple, and instead I stayed home whilst he partied and bumped into my "ex" who is engaged. Not only did my bf tell me he bumped into all my friends and family as well as my ex of 6 yrs, he also promised me that he would spend the rest of the entire weekend with me, which he didn't do (he cancelled on me and never showed, and this was our anniversary too).This hurt me deeply.My mum on the other hand is just yelling and screaming at me telling me I am the biggest idiot and it is all my fault that my ex left me and is getting married. She also says I deserve my current bf to act this way to me because I never listen to her.I don't know what to do. It has gotten to the point where I don't even want to confide in my mum because she just brings my self-esteem down by blaming me.I don't know how to approach my boyfriend to make him hear me out, and how to cope with my mum. I'm very depressed. Need advice badly.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): Hun, your mom is human. As such, this makes her flawed and not a perfect person. Whenever you have someone so negative in your life, whether family/friend/etc, you distance yourself from them. They are not good for you. Your mom is NOT good for you. Do not tell her anything anymore and do not spend too much time with her. Time to act like a grown woman and set some boundaries with your mother. Shes a negative person and its best to have firm boundaries in the way you want to be treated.
Second, time to break up with this guy. He's not really your boyfriend. He treats you worse than he would a friend. You're somewhere in between a one-night stand and acquaintance. This might be hard to do, but its time to leave him. Put away any feelings you may have for him and look at the situation for what it is - you're being mistreated and suffer badly because of it. There is someone more wonderful out there.
I'd also take counseling if I were you.
This is coming from personal experience.
I've distanced myself from my mother. Through counseling I've realized that she is a narcisistic personality - believes she herself can do no wrong, but criticized me for everything I've ever done wrong (even 10 years ago). She just couldn't move past things (like I never became a doctor, or I dated a man from a different culture or I haven't bought a house by age 28). I've distanced myself, she doesn't know anything about my private life or finances any longer. I've set boundaries and if she crosses them I simply tell her she is being inappropriate and walk out of the house and go home.
Second thing I did 2 years ago is break up with an abusive boyfriend. He treated me very badly - treated me like your current boyfriend does. It was just such a head game - I loved him, but he treated me badly...so I bent over backwards just hoping to get some scraps of his time. What a waste of time! I spent 8 years with my ex! I didn't even fully break up with him, when I met the most amazing man who made me the center of his universe. I broke up with my ex who wouldn't stop calling 16 times per day, demanding to see me, begging me....but I broke up with him and have never looked back. There was someone 1000 times more wonderful waiting for me. I never thought I deserved to be treated so well, but now I'm loving it. Counseling has helped alot too!
So do what you have to hun, get this toxic boyfriend out of your life and set limits with you mom. Life is too precious to waste it with unhappy and negative people!
A
female
reader, Tbosse  +, writes (26 December 2010):
 Leave him
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A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (26 December 2010):
 I agree with the other answers offered. It sounds like this guy is going through the motions in your relationship. Worse, he puts you down a lot. If you want a lifetime of this behavior keep hanging out with him. But I think you want better.
Chalk this one up as a lost cause. You've learned something about what you want and what you don't want in a relationship. You'll be that much wiser in your next relationship.
As far as your mom goes, she's just a concerned parent who wants the best for her child. Marriage isn't all that it is cracked up to be and you still have plenty of time.
Good luck and happy holidays.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 December 2010):
 You need to dump your BF, he is not what you need. (Heck I doubt any woman needs a guy like that...)
As for your mother... well.. I'd take what she says with a grain of salt. SHE didn't know the ins and outs of your previous relationship. SHE knew what she saw & what you told her. As for her saying that you deserve an asshat for a BF, well that is just callous and mean.
Dump the BF, take sometime to figure out WHAT you want from a guy, from life, from a relationship. Take some time and FIND you. Be happy being WHY YOU ARE. You can do it!
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