A
female
age
30-35,
*ingirl112
writes:Hello!I came to tis website beause i really dont know what to do anymore. Im 18, my boyfriends 19.My boyfriend of a year and 3 months was such a great guy, he never cheated on me,never cheats, never flirts with other girls,he treats me like his one and only, he likes buying me things, and evryone even my family and friends see that he loves me very very much, but when were alone, and we argue he hits me, this has been happening for about 4 months, and it has gotten worst.He use to only grab me, now he leaves bruises on my arms, he slaps me, he hasnt punched me hard on my stomach but hes tried to, he pulls my hair,once he chocked me, but he has tried to change, but he ends up doing it,he is willing to seek help,but im getting tired of this, i reallly love him and weve planned on marriage ,sometimes i think ill be crazy to leave a guy who can be the sweetest sometimes but the i see that he can be a jerk .So i dont know what to do anymore, im afraid of change, I just need advice please and IM SORRY for the long question.Please no rude comments just advice Please.I promise Ill take it into full consideration.THank You.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): That he is "often a sweet guy" is typical of abusers-- that's what I learned the hard way!
I had always thought that wife-beaters and verbal abusers were horrible guys who always acted like jerks, and that it would be really easy to spot them (and stay away from them). Took me actually being in a relationship with a guy like yours to realize that I was wrong!
I think that they act sweet and kind to "trap" you, and then when they have you they change. Please enlist the help of trusted friends, family members, a community health nurse or therapist, or a priest/minister (there's strength in numbers, and they will probably help you get out of this wretched relationship. It's really hard doing it alone. God bless!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2009): Girl, you need to leave! The second a man hits/punches you, that means it is time to go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2009): please leave this man! I myself have just gotten out of an abusive relationship. Everything you have mentioned seems to be all stuff I have also gone through, and like you, I was afraid of change added to the fact that I loved him very much and we also talked about marriage. For me, at first there were no signs of abuse AT ALL, he would always talk about how much he "respected women" and so on and so forth. about 6 months into the relationship, the verbal abuse started, then the emotional, then the physical. It got so bad towards the end that he would hold me down choke me, try to suffocate me with pillows, and I CONSTANTLY had bruises all over my body that I had to hide. When I would leave, he would get me back with sweet poems and letters he would write swearing that I was his everything and he would change for me. My point is, ONCE you allow this type of behavior, it progressively gets worse, contrary to what he says about him getting therapy and all that (i've heard that too!) One time circumstances do apply to men that beat over and over on different occasions. And men like this do not change, because it's in their nature..... eventually their true colors come out. Asking him to change would be like asking you to change something about your nature forever, perhaps your loving nature to a cold and heartless person. PLEASE TRUST ME! Maybe you can confide in a relative of his that you trust to see if he has abused other girlfriends in his past? If you are his first real relationship, maybe you are the first. The thing that was a big wakeup call for me was I started reading more stories similar of woman who have "accidentally" lost their lives due to abusive partners or may have even be murdered! The characteristic in my ex were shockingly similar to the other abusive me I read about. Please leave this man, it is very hard at first but, in time you will eventually heal! I would read other responses on this website from women in similar situations that have overcome them. It has really helped me out. Best of luck babe. Stay strong
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A
female
reader, sabu15 +, writes (19 December 2009):
First of all make sure u save money hide it where no one knows only you an 2. tell someone you trust what is happening then pack some things give it to someone really can trust then find a woman's shelter in secret then when have things together make sure u have birth cert.,bank account cards,insurance policies,your social security cards,anything important papers you have. then if he not home walk out then get a emergancie protectivie order call womens shelter make sure you mean what you say an do what is right don't stay.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (19 December 2009):
 He hasn't punched me hard on the stomach, but he has tried to...
Oh that is alright then, wife beating is harmless as long as you dodge most of the blows... WTF?
Wife beaters are ALWAYS nice guys in between the beatings. Why do you think they get away with it so long? Because he always says that things will be different this time. He will change. Please don't leave me, I love you so much. And then WHAM. It often goes on for years.
And your case will go on for years as well. No rude comments. So, you are okay with a bf who beats you, but complete strangers should be nice. His behavior is classic wife beater and yours is typical beaten wife. Early stage.
Get good medical insurance, you will need it for the beatings to come.
Prove me wrong by all means.
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A
female
reader, To A New Life +, writes (18 December 2009):
Most abussive people look very normal, charasmatic, charming, and many hold high possitions in society. Friends and family may even think you are lucky. They start out great, and slowly isolate you from your family and friends. They keep their partners holding on by being extremely appologetic. Some will cry, beg, agree to counceling, promise they'll never do it again, shower you with gifts if they have the means, and follow it by great make up sex.We have "gut instincts" for a reason, self preservation. Abuse of any kind, is not love, and should not be tolerated.Violence "always" escalates "because" they got away with it "because" you took them back the 1st time, 2nd, etc., etc. Over 95% of all female homicides are caused by husbands, boyfriends, or a man they know. When a female body is found and identified; husbands and boyfriends are "always" the primary "suspect" until they can be ruled out. Don't believe me? Look it up. The internet gives access to a world full of knowlege.No one has the right to judge you. At the same time, no one can make you choose to leave him. I was a volunteer for the Abused Women and Children's Shelter for 2 years during my Clinicals. Now, I donate, and try to reach out through websites like these when I have time. All the stories are the same, and sadly, so are the endings. Get out while you still can. "No One" is worth risking your life and happiness for in the "hopes" that they'll change, because they don't.If you have a family member or a friend you can trust, you need to go to them for help before things get worse. God bless you and keep you safe.
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A
female
reader, afrodizza  +, writes (18 December 2009):
Well if he is willing to get himself help then give him a chance to prove himself and if nothing improves then I advise that u leave him no man should lift thier hands to a women and he should know if he loves u then he wouldn't dream of hurting uin the first place
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 December 2009):
This is classic controlling behaviour, and you honestly need to get away from him. The way you8 ask your question shows how little confidence you now have in yourself, you're so sure someone on here is going to be rude to you. Far from it. This guy you're with is all talk and no action. He said he'd change, he hasn't at all, and in fact has got much worse. It is essential that you get away from him. I'm sure you afraid of change, and afraid of him. But imagine in ten years if you're still with him, and his beating you up every evening, or using a belt on you (this has happened), or even worse, you end up with a child, and he hits the child. The fear of change is far more bearable than the fear you will have in just a few years time when he becomes even worse. My advice is simply. End it now, stop all contact and get away from him before he does something and you don't wake up. He said he'd changed, he hasn't. So he failed you. Get away from him and find someone a million times better.
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