A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Pole dancers and pornography issues.I have been dating a guy for around nine months and we recently moved in together. We are really in love and are incredibly compatible and have discussed very long term plans together..however a stash of internet porn links and saved pole dancing movies I found recently on his computer rather accidentally are very disturbing to me. I have tried to be open minded about the topic and did discuss this with him. But it weighs heavily on my mind and I feel is affecting my own sexuality and confidence. Is it so normal for men to have this? I know for a fact that he would be incredibly jealous if it were the other way around - and I think somehow he sees it as his privacy right to have this - perhaps he is right, but it is a very unattractive and revolting trait I believe.
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addicted to porn, confidence, jealous, moved in, porn Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Theresaw  +, writes (31 December 2009):
I feel your concern. I do not think all guys have
pornography stashes or need it. I think it is an
addiction they get into when they are single. My
bf has been away from me for two months, and once
our relationship got too intimate- he went on.
Guys use it to avoid intimacy and getting really
close with their partner. I am about to break-up
with my boyfriend over it. I would understans if
I was not available or he was single. It is negatively
effecting our relationship, edpecislly when the girls are
a lot younger than me. I feel like dating a little behind
his back because he is not satisfying me. I say work out
and show him other guys are interested in you. If he does
not want to work at intimacy maybe him and his hand
can enjoy a long lasting relationship.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): First off, if you are surprised and disturbed by the idea that most men enjoy pornography, then you are most certainly not 'open minded' sexualy. This is not intended to offend you, so please do not take it as such.
You said you believed 100% in spending your life with this person... yet you are not comfortable enough to ask him what he thinks about during sex? I mean should there really be such commonplace sources of awkwardness between you and somebody you give such high standing in your life?
You are seeking answers which only he can give you in an online forum. This suggests to me, that you doubt you could get the unscensored truth from him on the matter. THAT is a far more real problem in my opinion.
FYI: as a young man who is no stranger to pronography I can tell you that VERY FEW young men of any kind will be picturing other naked women while there already is a naked woman in his arms.
Another thing you should keep in mind is that love and sex are very different things, especially for men. Sex is a noun/verb, clearly defined. It is a physical need for men to ejaculate on a semi-regular basis. They find ways to make that fun. If by no other means, then eventually during sleep. Love on the other hand is an abstract concept which means the same thing for NO two people. There is unfortunately no correct way to define it.
Now you say you'd have to give up on your own strength and beliefs? I don't understand why this is so. If you fear he is thinking about others to be turned on, why are you not considering what you could do differently to turn him on? Perhaps try to satiate whatever unimportant physical urge he is trying to serve with porno through some action of your own thus making you the sole focus of his desire? Maybe there are also things he could do to turn you on more effectively? Don't missunderstand, do only what you want to do but communicate with each other about what you both want. I am simply confused about how your inner strength could be influenced by a dating record of men who only enjoy naked women in peron and not on tape?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008): Tell him you are going to see some male strippers with your friends - just for fun. You don't have to but if he cares he will have a more balanced and less selfish view of your relationship. Surely?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all very much for the ( tho quite a mixed bag)responses. Good to hear a mans perspective on it too.... tho I still don't really even get why men need this? And ALL men watch porn!!??REALLY ??? Wow
I would say my partners libido is lower than other boyfriends in the past.And he is actually far more conservative than I generally. I accepted that as "just him" but now i'm a little concerned that I'm not as much of a turn on as some stranger grinding them selves up a pole for a bit of male attention she probaly never got as a child!
Yes nine months is kinda fast - however we were living within each others pockets anyhow and it become rather monotomous travelling back to our homes each day .. so its actually really great this way ... other than the newly discovered porn problem. I really hoped I could lighten up on the subject and believe me I have tried but to be honest I find it phycologically disturbing .I think there is just something instinctually inhibiting that process. And I do try to put it asside - but then out of the blue a scathing lash of vindictive words will occasionally lash out on the subject - so I realise I'm not doing very well at that.
So I feel that I am truely in quite a delima- this is somebody I 100% believed in spending my life with. And now I can't even make love to him without thinking about those woman and wondering if he is also visualising them in order to get arroused.
I am generally a very confident and open minded woman regarding sexuality... but now I'm almost terrified to stand naked before him for as I'm not quite as airbrushed with a boob job as them. I think its incredibly difficult not to take this personally as its a real deflation of ones ego.
But it seems that I accept this or I walk... and thats also the genaral consensus I'm reading into other peoples problems on the subject. that seems really sad to me. Either I give up on my own strengths and beliefs or I go alone through out my life now knowing that all men are this way so whats the point!!?? Thats a really scarey, sad and surprising notion. I see now that I have had a blissful and ignorant life untill this point.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008): Hell yes you should be worried! We are only just beginning to understand what porn can do to your mind and sexuality. We thought cigarrets were harmless at first as well....we are starting to find out porn watching affects SOME individuals in an addictive manner....for those individuals porn destroys their lives on several levels and WILL lead o erectile problems. Don't let other's opinions shape your choices...you are wise to steer clear of this in your life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008): Don't worry about it. You should know that all guys watch porn, but it doesn't mean anything against you in any way. I understand that it disturbs you, but he isn't IN LOVE with the pole dancers is he? He's in love with YOU.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2008): lighten up and watch it with him, you may even find it fun!! and 9 months and living together already thats a bit fast
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