A
female
age
36-40,
*ena
writes:Help my boyfriend is obsessed with porn?am with my boyfriend 2 half years, and i had alot problems. woman has been big threat in our relationship cas of cheating and him having them as friends.my boyfriend also loves porn never stop looking at it. i told him i don't like it cas it hurts me knowing he sees woman as a piece meat and why my body not good enough? so he said he stop and its does not mean anything to him its just man thing..but gone too far now he always looking at it i even had put child protection on his computer to stop him but he went into my hotmail get the password to get look porn again,,,i taught for weeks he not looking at porn and i was happy he was trying for me, but then last night i found sex video in his bin on computer, my heart droped and i so angry, he come home i wanting kill him what he keeps donig to me.. he broke down crying saying he obessesed about porn its a drug to me and said i don't support him to help him stop,, i can't do anything to help him stop and asked him go get help , now he like i will this time i promise. can he be helped or it too late??????????he blames it on watching porn, when really young and being sexually abused......
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): Female Anon, or Marie if you want to know my name. Been on holiday so didn't have time to reply to Mr GrimmReality's rant, and oh what a rant it was! You keep asking me to quote numbers at you which just goes to show your ignorant side. You are the one that keeps quoting "empirical evidence" - do you know the meaning of the word? It's like a straw poll, ball park, anecdotal evidence. Most theories will always have two opposing views, despite the outcome. Just take the Big Bang Theory. So giving you numbers is not really going to change things, it's all about viewpoint. Now, you dissed on Naomi Wolfe, who as far as I know, got her degree at New College Oxford. I am not sure if you are aware but the Oxford colleges are hugely elitist and you tend to find the "cream of the crop" go there. Think Harvard/Yale and then some!!!!! Having utilised these people, who would quite often do temporary work during their summer holidays, they really are a cut above. Work that would normally take a lay person a couple of weeks to pick up was picked up by Oxford undergraduates in a matter of minutes - these are sharp people. So, if a New College graduate wants to theorise on the affects of porn, then I am sure as hell going to listen to her views and not try and ridicule them by talking about a so called event she supposedly had during meditation. Did you not read my post and my own personal experience?? Did you not read the viewpoints of many others on this site whose lives are affected by their partners use of porn?? Do you want me to go through and count them all??? It seems, Mr GrimmReality, that it is you who are blinkered by porn and fail to see two sides of the story. Therefore your views will be biased. Also, I mentioned before but I guess they haven't published as well, that if the view is that "all men view porn", then why are the majority of men (again, a straw poll of my female friends/colleages), not very good in bed. I thought they were supposed to learn techniques and hints and tips from porn - again, another empirical study/ball park/straw poll viewpoint!!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): Grimm and anon female, do bear in mind that your riveting if ill-tempered spat may not be offering a whole lot of help to the clearly very distressed girl you're purportedly here to help and advise.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (6 June 2009):
 To anonymous...I stated I wanted numbers to prove these statistics, and instead I got attacked.
These were your words.
"I guess your case and many others back this statistic up".
so where are they? Where is the empirical evidence?
Since you say it is a KNOWN...back it up with NUMBERS!!!
You simply cant, so any argument you want to have with me is futile because you are providing no evidence to back up your claims. If you can give me numbers, I will be mnore than happy to say I was wrong.
See, you have to be able to back it up with statistical fact, and since I have already asked you to before, and you have refused...well then I guess we both know that you got nothing.
And as far as whether I should be giving advice? I think the PMs I get every day from people I have helped thanking me for telling them what they needed to here is a pretty good start.
And your issue with me and mental illness? Hey I am not the one who said it, Wolf did!
BTW....I always have the balls to put my name to what I write, thus I am always responsible for its content.And I make no apology whatever for anything I have ever posted here.
I suggest you do the same, so I at least know who's attacking me. Its real easy to attack someone as Anonymous, and I don't care if you are a moderator or not.
Because I am sure since I have called you out I will probably be thrown off the site as soon as this appears.
It seems to work that way, when someone is called out on what they have said they usually get mad only if they know they can't back their own words up.
So if this is my last post so be it...just know that I try to be as brutally honest in my answers because people deserve the truth rather than telling them what they want to hear. When you tell them what they want to hear instead of what they need to hear, then nothing is ever resolved for them. The truth hurts...thats why its called the truth
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): It's extremely clear from your last post that you need help urgently, far more than your boyfriend does. His porn addiction is unhealthy for him and is also clearly causing you significant anguish, but it's nowhere near as pressing and immediate an issue as your extreme depression. Your last post contained three threats to kill yourself. I've no idea how worthwhile your relationship is (doesn't sound great, if he's cheating on you) but it's very much a side issue compared to your own state of mind. You're fixating on his porn addiction as the source and cause of all your problems...it isn't. You hating your body is a known medical condition called Body Dysmorphic Disorder, which is increasingly common among women (though not only women) and is probably linked to the prevalence of ridiculously slim and 'sexy' women in movies and magazines (and even THOSE women are mostly unhappy with their bodies - how mad is that?) BDD and clinical Depression can both be overcome. Many people have faced it, many times, and come through smiling. If your boyfriend can't see any more to life than yanking his plank in front of Good Girls Do Bad Things Volume 3476, that's really his problem, and tough shit for him. But you need to look after YOU. Hope things improve, I wish the very best of luck to you...
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A
female
reader, xena +, writes (5 June 2009):
xena is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthis stupid porn addition gone too far for me. we in separate bedrooms, i can't move out till get enough money and i don't want some prick saying your not professional to my replies. if only some you's men wake up d the f...k, because my boyfriend i so depressed and i want kill myself, cas i hate my body thinking i not fat enough or skinny enough to fit into his porn fantasy..losing too much weight but does he care about my body no just his porn addition only way he ever get message when six foot under..i have now try pick my whole life back up. i got no job at min cas f...king depressed,, so next time you's men wank think it could make your girlfriend kill herself..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): Anonymous to GrimmReality again. As an Agony Aunt who has registered on this site, your comment again re Naomi Wolf has worried me. You said about her thinking she was a 13 year old boy who hangs out with Jesus in order to dismiss her views from 2003. Now, if this is the case, then doesn't it smack of a mental illness?? As an Agony Aunt on this site, are you ridiculing this? Please clarify what you meant because it has left me with an uneasy feeling over your viewpoint. Anyone who is prepared to ridicule someone over what may appear to be a mental health issue; should they really be giving advice??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): To GrimmReality - I did post a verbose response yesterday but it doesn't seem to have appeared!!! Either way, looks like i hit a nerve. I read The Porn Myth and it made a lot of sense to me - so what the fu** has your comment about her being a 13 year old boy got anything to do with this situation - you are trying to discredit someone whose view opposes yours by digging up dirt - how shallow of you!!! let's get back to the point shall we. The evidence I have is anecdotal, based on what has been said many times on this site - women whose partner's are jacking off to porn whilst ignoring their needs, which according to The Porn Myth is a KNOWN effect of watching too much pornography. So you are discrediting someone whose opinion appears to be spot on, if guys watch too much porn then they may stop having sex with their partners. And, also backed up by my own experience. My partner and I have a very satisfactory sex life, until he started watching porn again - he did this because it was a habit left over from when he was married and his partner didn't want sex very often - he turned to porn for his jollies. After 6 months, he stopped having sex with me. He couldn't figure it out at first himself and said he had a libido problem but couldn't figure out why. He was looking at porn on the pc so I said if it was his libido, then he wouldn't even want to look at porn. It was psychological as far as I was concerned. He had turned back to porn out of a long standing habit and that's when our sex life disappeared. When we sat down and discussed it, after our computer had gotten a virus and we had to change it, I said this has to stop. He then admitted he was watching porn and the story about his habit came out over his wife not wanting sex. As far as I am aware, he now doesn't view it and we are back to having a very satisafactory, multiple orgasm, sweaty sex life again and I love it.Porn is not necessary in anyone's life, is it??? If it disappeared tomorrow, we'd all get on with our lives. I think it's a childish habit with a lot of men which they need to grow up from. You don't need to view porn to have a wan* - that's an excuse. Plenty of men happlily clang one off with their eyes shut, in a fantasy land in their head. So, the age old arguments of men need visual stimulation to get off is bollo**, or do you have evidence to back this up??? The argument of ALL MEN WATCH PORN - again what evidence is there to back this up?? My boyfriend's friend is a major porn watcher and I've argued with him many times over this. He's currently single and has been for over two years - happily clanging one off every day to his porn DVDs, and the funny thing is men have no idea that a lot of women think this behaviour is puerile and actually I see him as a bit pathetic. Equally, he very much sees women as TITS AND FANNY and I know he gets this view from porn. In fact, I commented the other day about having Athletes Foot and that urine was supposed to help it out. He then said, in front of my partner, Oh, I'll piss on them, and then laughed and said he'd like to piss on my tits too - my bf wasn't too impressed and neither was I. He's a nice enough bloke but it's clear his mind has been polluted by too much porn, especially when he has to make a crass comment like that. What did I say about what you watch does affect how people think/feel.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (4 June 2009):
Excuse me, Poster who is giving props to Naomi Wolf, although you bring up a valid point or two, how can you put so much credence in a woman who not only is not a professional therapist but claims she has recently assumed the form of a 13 year old boy who hangs out with Jesus?
Please cite your empirical evidence on the statistics that you say are backed up on this porn issue. And please cite secondary and tertiary evidence so you may disabuse us of the opinion of many that porn is only evil in how it is consumed.
I am not trying to be a prick, but if you are going to name drop, you better be prepared to be specific. If I was to do that, I am sure you would hold my feet to the fire. It is only fair
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): Porn addiction is a very misunderstood affliction. First, it is a chemical addiction. Second, will power alone is not enough to stop. This is a real addiction and we are only beginning to understand it.
The fact that your man was exposed to it at an early age and he was abused are classical examples of a true porn addiction, that's why free access on the internet is so dangerous!
Your man will need help. He could start by looking for a local sex addicts anonymous chapter, they are free. There are also several good sites on the net that deal exclusively with this addiction....npsupport.net and recoverynation.com
Know this, porn addiction has no reflection on how beautiful you are or for that matter how much he loves you...it is every bit as much an addiction as smoking, drinking, heroin or any other addictions are. He will need help to quit, but he has to want to quit. His chances are much better if he has a supportive partner. So if you are willing to stick around and help him, he is a lucky man.
Set some limits for yourself and know when to get out. This addiction takes a toll on a woman's self-esteem and can lead to major depression and life long effects.
I wish you the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): I'd say porn is the evil in this situation. People seem to justify porn on this site like it will spice up your sex life, etc, etc. What a load of boll**ks!!!!There are so many examples on this site of guys jacking off to porn and then not having sex with their partner. This is a KNOWN effect of porn, written about many years ago by Naomi Wolf and it's called the porn myth. In it she writes about porn actually diminishing a man's libido, not increasing it. I guess your case and many others back this statistic up. I am quite a spiritual person and have watched porn, but I don't like it and never will. I find the vulgar display of the men and women in porn quite disturbing; fisting, double entry anal etc and even your run of the mill stuff. It's clear that some men can handle porn and still have a sex life with their partners - the lines are not blurred here. But, there are clearly a lot of IMMATURE men who have polluted their minds with porn and get stuck in this fantasy world. Next thing he'll ask you for a threesome, then perhaps can he visit a strip club - you could write a book on how things will turn out and the pattern that is followed. I think I noticed a married man on this site on another porn question, saying he loves he wife but wouldn't mind a quickie with a porn barbie. For fu** sake man, you are married, get a grip on yourself and I don't mean that literally. Porn is a bit like a mcdonalds - temporary satisfaction but you are still left with a craving you can't satisfy - plus you've eaten so much of this shit that you are starting to look fat and spotty and you have no energy. A man who constantly uses porn will eventually need more and more of the stuff to satisfy his craving, whilst in the meanwhile his partner goes hungry. And if you don't think that shit you look at effects how you think/feel - then think again.
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female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (3 June 2009):
 Sweetie, sounds like porn is not the only problem in your relationship, you mention he has cheated with other women.
Well, when someone is caught out doing something they know they shouldnt be doing, they will blame all sorts of things. He is showing you that he no longer has any respect for you or cares what you want.
Tell him to find a therapist to help him with his porn addiction and his other issues.
Personally, I wouldnt want to hang around with someone who clearly doesnt have my interests at heart.
Honeygirl
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A
female
reader, Rihannax  +, writes (3 June 2009):
 My sister has been through the same thing, she was with her ex for 6 years and it just got worse, to the point where he didnt wanna have sex with her, didnt want to go near her, but preferred to wank over porn, he was mentally obsessed with porn.
he done the exact same thing saying he will stop and never did, went behind her back and everything just like you.
he may need councsillng now that he a accepted the fact that he is obsessed, if this dosent work, i no this will hurt but leave him, its not good for you, you can be with someone that isnt obsessed with it.
itl ruin you, ur self confidence you wont find yourself attractive, get out of it or make him do counsilling.
hope this helps
x
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (3 June 2009):
First off...Porn is not evil, it is how it is consumed that is either bad or good.
Second, if he has a problem,. he can only stop for himself not for you or anyone else. It does not mean you have to put up with it if you find it objectionable, for that is your choice.
You will have to give him an ultimatum I am afraid. either the porn or you. I am afraid that he will chose you, but only until you leave the house to go to the store, and he will be bacv doing the Knuckle Shuffle on his Johnson.
So it's simple...Dump him
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