A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Well, i'm dreading christmas with my family and my great boyfriend of 2 years, because he is so bad socially. i come from a large family and i am talkative, self-confident, a little loud and i can talk to anybody any place any time. i get on with most people. my boyfriend is an only child whose parents are very very untalkative and he is a quiet person who is nervous and dreads meeting new people and my mother says she doesnt know why i'm with him, because hes "ignorant and has nothing to say and doesnt chat away" and she feels uncomfortable with it. i really don't know how to help him get through the festive season because i know he'll feel hes being put on trial by my family, and our social events- especially my mother.he doesnt seem to have the social skills that i have; if somebody is boring him by talking about new curtains or something, well, i'd probably stand there going "oh great, so what have you been thinking about buying then, think pink would look great in here" and probably be able to look interested and enthused. he would stand there looking awkward and going "oh. right. well i don't really have any opinion on them..." and although he doesnt mean to be rude he just feels awkward and as though hes nothing to contribute. hes aware of this and says that he thinks that he hasn't anything interesting to say to new people and thinks they wont like him and doesnt feel confident, and because i'm at the other end of the scale, i can't imagine what its like to be like that. i feel terrible saying this, because i love him, but i'd rather socialise without him because i do find him a bit embarrassing and have kept him apart from work colleagues as i think theyd be stunned at how subdued he is compared to me. i can relax and mix, but i feel that hes wanting to look for the nearest exit all the while and i often have to "carry him" socially. he doesnt socialise much with friends, rather chats separately to one or two close friends about common interests, and has no family around and i don't feel that hes able or used to socialising with a mixed bunch of people confidently and hes very quietly spoken. does anybody have any ideas or has anybody had any similar experiences as to how to get over this anxiety for him?
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female
reader, redred  +, writes (4 September 2010):
I am in the exact same situation right now. I am extremely outgoing, love to talk to anyone, whether I know them or not. I've been dating a guy for about a year now, and I knew in the begginning that we were indeed 'socially different', but never thought it would bother me like it does. He refuses to come around my family or friends, he tried a couple times in the first few months of the relationship, but as of now, he would rather break it off with me then be forced to hang with my family. I feel the same way that you do, in any situation that him and I are in together, that I have to speak for him, he always laughs and is 'giddy' when someone says anything to him, and its honestly embarrasing. We have broken up for this reason a few months ago, I explained to him that we are just truely differnt and want to share my life with someone who wants to go out, talk to people, and enjoy my family and friends. A week passed and he told me he wants to break out of his shell, and get back together, and will start to be more social (hang with my family/friends). This lasted for about a week, and he continued to be the same boring way after that. Nothing changed. It is very frustrating because I do love him, but every day I am annoyed with how different we are, and am constantly contiplating if I should stay with him or not. I seem to get the same feedback all the time from everyone I talk to, "you cannot change someone". I think for the both of us, our relationships will run its course and we'll realize we need to be truely happy. I want someone that will do something that may not make them happy, but will make me happy. I've tried explaining that to him and it's just something that he doesn't understand. I dont have much advice about this, because if I did then I would have used it in my own circumstance, I wish you the best
A
male
reader, philwatson  +, writes (4 December 2008):
Hi, Im the youngest in the family and my parents had me at quite and old age. I always find it hard to gather in these sorts of situations because i lack these sorts of social skills. Usually after an hour or so i tend to come out a little.
Something that used to help me when i went round to my girlfriends was when her parents asked me for advice on something, or if i could help them with jobs like setting up their new tv or whatever. In my limited experience not only does this tend to remove the pressure on starting and maintaing the conversation but it can help build up confidence.
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A
female
reader, BBQ_chicken +, writes (4 December 2008):
I am in a similar situation. I am the quiet one, I dread going to social events, and I share similar feelings as your boyfriend, ie, thinking that I have nothing to offer to new people and thinking that they won't like me and will find me boring which makes me dread more to talking to new people. It's a vicious cycle really. My boyfiend of two years is a very outgoing person, with lots of friends, and like you, can talk to almost anybody with ease. For us, I have always refused to go to social events with his friends because there is a certain language and cultural barrier. He was born in Canada and has mostly Canadian friends, while I immigrated from Asia. So at the very least, there is no such barrier between your boyfriend and your friends and family, which already makes things a lot easier than us, in my opinion. I also feel that the fact that he's willing to accompany you to these family dinners and social events means that he really values you very much. I always refuse to go with my boyfriend because I feel that he would be embarrassed by me and I would not have a good time. My boyfriend gave up after getting rejected every time he invited me somewhere with his friends. I'm not sure what the solution here is and I apologize for not being of much help. You can try familiarizing him with one or two of your best friends, people that hopefully share similar interests and values as he does. This way, at least he would have other people to stick to if you're too busy to look after him. But trust me, he feels just as bad, and he wants to improve the situation even more than you do. Are you sure he does not have social anxiety disorder? For me, I do not have social anxiety disorder. I suppose what I have is a low self esteem and a general soft spoken and introverted personality. You can try encouraging him to take some interest classes on his own so he would be forced to socialize. There is also a community for people with fear of public speaking that meets weekly. It's an organization that is established across North America. The name has slipped my mind at the moment, but I heard it is very helpful for quiet and soft spoken people. [Moderator note: The organization is called Toastmasters.] I am also sure there are classes that help socially inert individuals. Good luck! And please give me a private message if you have any idea or found any groups that may be of help to your boyfriend, as I myself would very much like to improve my social skills as well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): Have you ever heard the saying, "Opposites Attract?" Well that's the answer you should give your mother. And wantting to "fix" him or change him isn't going to work. Just because he doesn't do well with crowds, doesn't mean he's ignorant. I used to be like that when I was in my 20s. Now I can't stop talking! Life happened and I evolved. But you can't force someone to be outgoing if they're not. The more he is around people, the more he will come out of his shell. Just let him be himself, and you be yourself! If you love eachother, it'll all work out. I hope he doesn't know you're embarrassed by his shyness. He can't help it.
Good Luck and Happy Holidays!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): It's too bad that your mother is that way. I am quiet myself, as is my boyfriend. He can open up once he gets to know someone, but for the most part, blends in with the background. My family is fine with it. I think it's actually normal to be less talkative at first.
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A
female
reader, tammye17 +, writes (4 December 2008):
 Hi there, i understand you, but you also have to understand your boyfriend...has he alwayss been like that?????Talk to your boyfriend but dont pressure him, try to be sensitive, it will suck foru 2 to break off over that, its you thats going out with him not ur family, u love him right? Then thats what matters.[moderator note to poster: please DO NOT USE ALL CAPS when answering. I changed it once but I will reject the next answer that is ALL CAPS. Thank you.]
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A
female
reader, betbiss +, writes (4 December 2008):
 Have you tried with just an other couple? Once he is use to that then add an other couple.
Have you talked to your family (mother) about being softer with him, to back off? You are the middle man right now and if he can feel that you feel better off socializing without him that is going to reinforce what he thinks of himself.
If you love him, teach him, be patient with him. Remember you were blessed with the big family he didn't have that.
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A
male
reader, werenotincontrol  +, writes (4 December 2008):
Hey my gf is the very same, Shes so quiet. My family are always like "awwwwwww" and my poor gf willget all embaressed and go red,
Dont worry once your family know hes a quiet guy and once he knows that your family know hes quiet youguys should get on fine:)
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