A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend dated a French girl for 2 years and was very open about it. They went on vacations, posted affectionate pictures online and lived in as well. They broke up amicably and remain friends.My boyfriend and I started on a rough note. I wanted a long term, serious relationship and he was commitment phobic. He never introduced me to his friends until recently. He also used to introduce me as a 'friend'. He still hesitates to get pictures clicked with me. We haven't gone on a single vacation because he feels like that will prompt me to threaten him to marry me. When I brought up his easy relationship with his ex vs our tumultuous relationship, he said that his relationship with his ex meant nothing and that I mean a world to him. He says he's afraid to commit just yet because of the financial pressures. I don't know what to make of it. My boyfriend is a good guy but I really don't know if I'm wasting my time here. Suggestions, please?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2017): Thank you so much for the prompt replies.
A lot of things have been put in perspective for me!
I must say that we've been together for over 4 years now. We've had some fun times and I guess you're right - I probably am putting too much pressure on him. It's a terrible cancerian trait but that's no excuse.
Eeeks!
Thanks, nonetheless!
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 August 2017):
 You're jealous of his past aren't you? Isn't that why you had a rough beginning? Because of the French girl and how secure his relationship seemed with her? Honestly why are you with him if he's commitment phobic? You're scaring him, pressuring him, even demanding that he be the same with you as he was with her.
Just let him be OP. You can't demand love
. Now you decide if you can live with him
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2017): Don't compare his past relationship with the relationship you are in. Different time, different person. She was probably the one who did all the trip-planning, picture-taking, and made all the effort. End result, they're exes.
It takes time in a relationship to become established and to reach milestones. The things I'm experiencing with my present boyfriend are different from those I enjoyed with my now deceased-partner. I was with my previous partner 28 years, and the guy after him only 10 months. They were different personalities, with different interests and talents. They offered me good things unique to the character and personality-traits they had that attracted me to them.
The guy I'm with now has opened a whole new world to me. We want to do stuff that we can consider unique and special to our relationship. Yeah, we do the standard things; trips, dinners, and whatever. We try to be original, learn things about each other; and let things happen spontaneously. He has taught me how to do new things; and I'm teaching him things he never really considered doing himself. We're older, so I guess we've matured enough to know that no relationship is perfect, and no two are alike.
If you go into a new relationship with wedding-plans and doing time-travel into the future; you're too far ahead of yourself. You may discuss plans, but there's a difference between planning, and laying-out your expectations. You need to know who you're dealing with first. Then decide what you plan to do together in the future.
You will hurry yourself right out of a boyfriend. Alter-happy females sink their own ships! "I want a wedding, I want a home, I want kids, and I have a schedule to keep!" Your age does not necessarily say you're ready for all of your demands! Just because you're in your 30's doesn't mean you have to rush things!
Well, all that hurrying made things rough for you! Slow your rol1! Life doesn't revolve around your biological-clock, and hurrying into marriage is why so many speed-demons rush towards divorce shortly thereafter. "Long-term" usually means marriage.
You're scaring the daylights out of someone just getting to know who you are. You're more concerned about his former relationship than he is. You're just full of complaints.
Like Denizen says. Take it a day at a time. Let him discover what makes you tick. Learn what he's all about. Create new chapters in your lives together. Forget about her, now it's about you two.
What time are you wasting? How long have you been together? If you started out rough, that's not a good sign.
You don't think in terms of "long-term" when you hardly know the person you've committed yourself to. You think in the present; so you won't miss any red-flags, or overlook his needs. He may not measure-up. You want to be wife...work on being a girlfriend first. He may have slowed-down, because you're pushing him too fast.
Put your grocery list away, and go with the flow. If it's meant to be, things fall into place.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (3 August 2017):
 He is more mature now and has put finance high on his list, he is not a kid and he seems to like you it might even be love, it does look as if he feels a bit under pressure that could be coming from you or the people around him, give him time
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (3 August 2017):
 It sounds to me as if you are scaring the poor guy to death. You seem to be coming on too strong too early. Just chill and let things take their course.No-one makes a long-term commitment at the start. You take a day at a time and see how it goes. You cannot make promises about commitment. It is only by getting to know each other that you find out if you can actually stand to be in each other's company over a length of time.If he's a good guy, as you say, then give him a chance.
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