A
female
age
51-59,
*nneedofadvice2
writes:i have been dating a wonderful man for 6 and a half months. when i met him he was still living his ex wife in the basement of their home because he was waiting for it to sell. they had a very rocky 17 year relationship that he was never happy in. he expressed that he always felt as though something was missing and that they were more like friends. he has 17 and 12 year old daughters. he was very upfront and honest with me right from the get go. was happy to be out of the situation and 2 months after we met, the house finally sold and he got a place of his own. since then we have gotten along amazingly. there have never been any issues whatsoever up until now. apparently he had an affair on her 4 years ago. his biggest regret is not getting out before he let that happen. she has never gotten over the whole thing and he feels immense guilt. i was shocked to learn this about him because he is so honest and upfront with me about everything. his ex and him do communicate alot and i've assumed its over their girls which i can totally understand, but last week his ex had a meltdown about the affair because it is apparently affecting her current relationship. he went over to her house for 2 hours and although i'm not entirely sure what happened i'm assuming she wanted to be consoled by him. i've always thought that they are a little too friendly and do feel that boundaries have to bet set as far as communication with her goes. is this fair? the girls both have cell phones and are capable of reaching out to him. the fact that he had an affair does not entirely bother me given what he told me about the relationship however i also don't want to make excuses for him making poor choices. any advice would be helpful.
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affair, ex-wife, his ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (20 September 2012):
 Yep absolutely :-)
Be strong and supportive but stay out of the war!!
If you are a smart girl, this will be your new motto!!!
Good Luck x
A
female
reader, inneedofadvice2 +, writes (19 September 2012):
inneedofadvice2 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your advice. Makes complete sense to me. He, in fact, has made some very positive steps towards dealing with what happened in the past. He has also expressed to his wife that she needs to talk to someone as well if she wants to heal from everything that they went through. At the end of the day, we can only help ourselves right? :)
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 September 2012):
Despite him moving out, being close with you or any contact he needs over the kids...one thing is very clear to see...he and his ex still have massive issues to discuss and overcome and you have arrived as an observer to the melee that is still raging between them.
This happens a lot because people move on very quickly to another relationship without really dealing with the pains of the past. It's not easy to just pretend it's all gone away just because a new love has walked in the door and as much as all parties wish it were settled, it's often an emotional journey rather than a concious physical decision.
I don't think he is making poor choices, I think he is dealing with the aftermath of a messy marriage where there is still a lot of turmoil and his wife, being the mother of his children will and can exert her presence.
This said, I don't see a reason for you to quit the relationship. I think you must try not to get embroiled in any animosity that is still going on. You have only been together for 6 months so you would probably serve him best as a friend or an escape from any worries.If you stand strong and remote from his troubled past, it will give him someone he can come to trust and it could strengthen your relationship for the better.
If after a reasonable time things between him and his ex do not settle, then you can choose to end things, because in some cases people never escape from their ex, but if you get involved in the drama, things will end much quicker and it will be you who is the casualty.
Good luck
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