A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This may take me some time to write so here goes. I've just moved in to a house with my bf of two years, we've got a mortgage togther. We started to try for a baby around a year ago and in september I got pregnant with fertility treatment. After some pains I was sent for a scan at 9 weeks and they discovered that the baby had stopped growing and had died. Obviously this has devastated us both but with me I am very traumatised as it is still inside me (i've yet to miscarry). Tmro i am going to have an op under general anaesthetic where they will remove whatever else is left in my uterus. This is a problem as my bf has a gig to go to and this was arranged some time ago, he is going with two friends and they are meant to be going for the day, leaving around midday. The gig starts at 7pm. Right from the start he has made it clear that he is not happy about missing this but he is willing to stay with me until the afternoon, around 4pm. This has really upset me as I feel he shouldnt go to the gig and should be here with me. He broke his leg earlier this year and i doted on him, I really looked after him. He has been okay since the scan but now even though i have asked him to not go, he is insisting that he goes. Also, because we were arguing about all this last night i ended up totaly freaking out as i am not coping well and screaming and today i smashed a glass and now he is also saying we are over and that he does not want to be with someone who cant cope. I have asked him again to be here with me tomorrow night but he is saying no, he'll stay with me until around 4pm then he is going. He says him not going is not was arranged. Please, am i being unreasonable asking him to stay with me or is he being selfish? It seems that everyone he speaks to thinks he is okay going to the gig but everyone i speak to thinks he shouldnt go and that he should be here with me. It was his baby too? And not only that, but a general anaesthetic is heavy and i am likely to be in pain afterwards.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (16 November 2011):
 I really hope it went ok.
I think he can't cope with upset, operations and this whole issue. He is being very male about it, in a bad sort of way.
I think, though, there are so many emotions flying around now, especially yours (understandably), that you should just try to detach from getting cross with him, and let yourself relax and get better. Let him just be there, even if he isn't much use (eg, lying on sofa, going to stupid concert). Don't expect much of him. You really don't need to lose him as well as having lost the baby now, so just treat him like the cat or something - expect nothing - just feed him - keep the cat flap open so he can come and go.
And wait until you feel better and your relationship picks up again.
Don't depend on him. Don't lean on him. He is going to fail you. He isn't going to make you feel better. So heal yourself, then see how you feel about him.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 November 2011):
 I get it totally.
and for ME and mine (and yes I put up with a lot of crap the other aunts would not trust me) I'd forgive him.
he came through in the end...sometimes they have to be shown what's the right way.
as for not taking care of him when he's sick... that to me is childish and immature.... and proves nothing... he won't see it as paybacks...
bottom line:
if you love him and are staying with him, accept that he needs to be guided towards doing the right thing...
forgive him and move on (note I did NOT say FORGET)...
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (16 November 2011):
 Ok here goes.. never got a chance for pregnancy. Damn you must hurt. And yes, I've had to walk home from hospital while a selfish guy lay in bed. Ended up with him leaving me when I was sick. Does it mean he didn't love me. Nope, guy just couldn't cope with sickness. My dad is the same, he hates sickness, woman's tears and hospitals. Some guys are just like that. Did I feel upset and resentful, yes I did.. and I told him, well I shouted, you are a selfish jerk.
You have every reason to be upset, even though he stayed in the end. It would be nice if men could do the right thing without being told. But in the end, you know he cared about the baby and cares about you,
PS: Like every woman, I don't like to admit when I've done wrong. So I won't tell you about the time I didn't visit him in hospital when he had a broken leg. He sure punished me afterwards, I had to wait on him hand and foot as he claimed his leg hurt too much to move around. Your upset, but it's early days yet. I do hope this brings you closer and gives you both more understanding about your relationship. Thanks for the update and please take care of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): Hi, I'm the OP. Thanks for all your answers, i've taken some time to reply as I was too upset to go online last night and had my op today. Just to clarify a things. In the UK we call a concert a 'gig.' No, he was not playing in a band and he was just watching the band, with two friends. I had a general anaesthetic with morphine afterwards. I have to say, i feel so much better having had the op and i feel in no hurry to conceive again for at least a couple of months. Secondly, in a complete turnaround, we made up yesterday and he didnt go! He realsed that it was wrong, partly because his parents told him he should be with me, and so did other friends and family (i still think it is a pity he didnt realsie this himself in the first place). He picked me up from the hospital and had bought flowers and chocolates and done some shopping, so i have partly forgiven him. I agree,however, that he can be an incredibly selfish jerk, which he also admits to. On the one hand this worries me greatly, but it is not as simple as that. I agree with what many of you have siad that alot of men are selfish by nature and they also find it very difficult to cope with the female emotinal outburts. He also has many qualities; we are very close, honest, we have fun and we have an incredible connection at times. I do want kids with him. I'm 38 and have fertility issues, he's 37 and he wants kids too. I'm sorry, and i know some of you will think this lame, but although he can be a selfish prick at times, I do not want to go back to trying to date, going to bars and feeling and looking desperate. I also do not want to be single. So, we kind of stay togther. It can be a volatile relationship but i am not a high maintenance chick (to all the US girls - UK guys just cant cope with diva behaviour unless the girl is a total sex bomb. I am average looking and most UK guys will drop you like a hot potatoe if you start demanding too much. The Rules dont work in this country). So, on the one hand i am happy he picked me up from the hospital at 3pm (with flowers, choc and food) took me home and looked after me but i havent quite forgiven him for his initial attitude that he was willing to not be around after that. Sure my Mum would have stepped in, but i wanted him there. So, please what are your thoughts now? Is he still a jerk or can i kinda forgive him? To th person who said ignore him wehen HE is ill next or needs me, i thouhgt of that too, but the truth is, I just would not be able to. My natural response to the people i really love being in pain is to drop everything (within reason) and be there. More fool me, or isnt love what life is all about? Deep down, i know i am a better person than him. I'm not about to leave him, we have too much togther, have been through too much and i love him. Maybe it is a truth that alot of men do naturally genuinely struggle with giving altruistically and also that they just do not deal with problems and emotions like women do? it is afterall a universal truth that alot of men never REALLY grow up. So what am i supposed to do; dump this one in the hope that i will find a man (who i am probably not attracted to) who is grown up and will dote on me? That might never happen!! No, I am almost positive that it will never happen, and with my job as a ft manager, i dont have the time to spend looking for new relationhsips. Anyway, please tell me if i am being too compassionate? He did kind of redeem himself but like i said, i wont forget his initial attitude, it is definately a back mark agianst his name, and belive me, i am not somone who holds grudges (i wish i was!). I like the strength of some of the women who were also in hospital and their men were busy and they didnt demand the guys stayed with them, but i struggle to understand if this is being gentle, laid back, trusting and confident of being able to rely on your self or is it being a pasive doormat?Anyway, i must finish now. Would love to hear your thought on my update. Re the op, i feel so much better to get the dead fetus out of me (sounds cold but i gotta move on) in hindsight it was making me feel extreemely unwell and although i am full of morphine i feel better. thanks again for your replies but PLEASE let me know what your thoughts are now that i have this update. xx
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 November 2011):
 First thing first.
Don't be afraid. It's a D & C in general anesthesia, no you won't be in pain either during or afterwards. You'll feel sleepy, there might be some light cramping right away and in this case they'll give you all the painkillers you need. Basically they 'll keep you until evening ( or overnight according to the hospital's protocol ) as a precaution and to have the anesthetic wear off, but in theory after 2 hours you 'd be ready to go . Only, be safe and don't drive, call a cab or have a friend pick you up.
Emotionally, I know, it's a different thing. He may be a total , selfish jerk- or he may be like many men. They are coward, they don't deal well with illness and physical stuff especially involving "obscure" female stuff. It's a sort of superstitious terror that they don't admit- they stay away from things THEY can't cope with.
He may also be as disappointed and crushed as you are and having a hard time with his feelings. His way to handle the situation is to downplay it and making it as if it is not a big deal and you are making a fuss about nothing.
But, you'll have time later to assess which is which.
Right now, don't freak out, keep your cool, and think about getting over this soon and taking care of yourself to be well again both physically and mentally in the shortest possible time. Best wishes .
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 November 2011):
All the aunts are thinking of you today, and hoping everything has gone alright.. Be well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): I was in your situation a few years back, its a very emotin onal time. My partner worked away during the week.After the scan revealed there was no longer a heartbeat, I was devastated,they were asking at the hospital to keep me in for an op the next day. I chose to go home, rang my partner who came straight back and together we went to the hospital the next morning for an ultrasound and my D&C op.
Yes it was great to have him there for emotional support,he didnt quite know how to handle it all but he tried his best. I was groggy and asleep,no pain, after the Op, told him to go get very drunk and I would see him when he picked me up next day.
The choice is yours, how you want him to support you.You both lost this baby and how you handle it is personal.If you need him there and he wants to leave at 4pm...Well, only you know if hes the right man for you after all
Sorry for your loss.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 November 2011):
Yes it's his baby too.. You are hurting and you want him to be close to you. He is hurting and he wants to forget everything. That is grief, everyone deals with it differently. He is not selfish and you are not being unreasonable. When children die, it devastates lives and pushes the parents apart.
Try not to be too upset with him. It's not that he doesn't care, it's that he is grieving differently. He wants to go out forget and pretend his heart is not breaking.
Try your best not to hurt each other at this very, very sad time.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 November 2011):
I'm a mom
I"m old enough to be a grandmom.
I love all the aunties here but I am going to give you my POV which is a bit different.
First of all I am sorry deeply for your loss. How tragic. And for the pain you will continue to endure both physically and emotionally.
This summer my boyfriend and I were on vacation at our favorite gaming convention. It's a yearly event and planned far in advance. BF is the game master (GM the guy in charge) for his favorite game.
Long story short: First heat of his game is Tuesday at 5 pm... I perforate an ulcer at 9:30 that morning only we don't know what it is yet... he rushes me to the emergency room and sits at my side signing Medical Power of attorneys and being told they don't know what's wrong and they have to go in and do emergency exploratory surgery.
There was NOTHING he could do for me at the hospital or after the surgery while I was in recovery or sleeping after this so I BEGGED HIM TO GO TO THE CONVENTION AND PLAY HIS GAME.
Yes I did. And while E laid in the hospital bed for 5 days he was at the con running his game and playing other games... he came to see me when he could... and called often...
So my take on it is... weigh out what he can do for you after 4 pm and until he gets home... will you be in the hospital? sedated? on pain meds and sleeping???
I can't see any point in anyone sitting around watching someone they love sleep in a drug induced haze....
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 November 2011):
 This question reminded me of a friend of mine's similar situation. She was struggling to conceive for a few years, finally got pregnant, had terrible morning sickness and then, alas, she miscarried. On the evening of that day, when she and her husband were home, she was crying a lot and was simply devastated. He said to her "Well, I guess a blow job is out of the question?"
He is now her ex-husband. I pity the next woman he dated.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (14 November 2011):
 Well, a lot of the responses are from women and a few of them might be mothers or at least menstruating. So they probably get "it".
He might not. The child is inside of you, not inside of him. His feelings of loss will be different and he will deal differently with them. Since you are talking about a gig, is he WORKING at this concert? Since the US is not known for its free healthcare might he need the money to pay for this operation? Might he be thinking that he is helping in his own way?
Well, so much for the excuses, if none of the above rings true then... even if he does not get "it" you told him. And still he refused. Maybe as a last excuse he is simply in denial. If he doesn't acknowledge the mis carriage then it hasn't happened?
It is very difficult to tell from a one sided story what is really going on here. It could be the story of an asshole of a boyfriend OR the story of a boyfriend who just isn't coping with what happened. As you say, he lost his baby too.
It is no suprise so many couples break up over hardship. It is very difficult to both deal with your own feelings and someone elses at the same time.
You know your own relationship best, what is really going on between the two of you?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 November 2011):
 Sounds like you've got yourself a delightful (and considerate) "Boyfriend" there......
I'm not sure which is greater.... his disregard for you, your health and well-being.... or your lack of judgement at getting yourself in to such a predicament with this childish excuse for a man....
Either way, you'll be much happier once you and he liquidate the house and go your separate ways....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): First of all I'm very sorry for your loss.
Silver lining is that perhaps you've dodged a bullet here - is this really the sort of man you want to raise a child with? He sounds like an absolute prick if you ask me.
Had I been in a similar situation I would have expected my husband to stay with me (and I know he would have) as for the concert it makes no difference if he's going for fun, playing in the band or even performing for the queen!
Dump the prick, move on and find yourself a man that cares.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 November 2011):
I think that you do have a right to be upset. Let's look at this from the two issues involved; one is the physical, which is the surgery and the hormonal changes caused by pregnancy, the other is the emotional, which is the trauma caused by the death of the fetus, which must be compounded by the fact that it followed a great deal of trouble and effort on your part undergoing fertility treatments.
If you were to look at this from the purely physical, not taking into account the emotional component, there's no need for him to stay, provided you have someone else to look after you that night. I think some people may have reactions to general anesthesia and there may be post-operative complications that need to be watched for. I would discuss this with the nurse practitioner in advance as there are generally very detailed instructions for postop care. You could ask your mother or sister or close friend to be there with you.
Personally, if someone I loved was going through something like this, I would drop everything and tend to them as needed.
So then there's the emotional side. Clearly, you feel abandoned and neglected on this day, which is the official end of the hoped-for pregnancy, that you two worked so hard to achieve. It's a loss, a major loss and I am sorry you feel you have to go through the evening alone.
I would have a few questions about this gig, is this your boyfriend's livelihood, will him not going create a problem for his band or for other people? If he's just going to listen to music somewhere, that's one thing, but if he is a major part of the show, that's another. If people are relying on him and he is being paid for this, he has an obligation to fulfill. Now in my mind, a major surgery would trump even that, but if he is under the impression it is a physical piece of cake, he may have the full and correct understanding. I know, there's coping when you have to go have your tooth pulled but then there's coping when you are having an emotionally-charged procedure. Two very different things.
Is it possible to reschedule the op for a day when he can be there the entire night, or is that not workable within the medical care system?
From his perspective, he may feel that just being there for the procedure and then for a few hours afterwards will suffice; he may be avoiding addressing the emotional aspects you are facing because he has decided it's past and he's trying to move on.
So ensure your physical well-being is in good hands, have a friend or family member come stay with you. I might be a bit evil and suggest you ask an ex-boyfriend come hold your hand, but that is probably a bit too inflammatory, heh heh. I think you also need to think about how to have your emotional needs met and what you can do to facilitate that for yourself.
Me, I'd pitch a major hissy fit if I was left alone by the guy who is supposed to be on my team. But then I'm not sure we have all the information on that yet.
Good luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): I think its just a difference of closure timelines. Perhaps for him, the emotional ties of having a baby left him when he discovered there was no live baby. Some people, not just men, can disengage emotionally.
You are not one of those people. I would find it hard to still be carrying the body of a baby that once was. So I can understand and empathize with you completely.
I am so sorry that this is happening to you and that you are in love with such an insensitive man that cannot look past his own happiness, sacrifice one night, for the sake of being with the woman he loves as she still have to work on the closure, saying goodbye.
It is selfish and clueless of him. I'd have to wonder why it was so easy for him? And how can he not see you, the woman he loves and lives with, is in need.
You may not be married but you live as a married couple. You even planned, conceived and greived over a child together.
He does not know or understand fully, what it means to love someone. You give up all wordly pursuits for the one you love. FAMILY should matter and come first about all others.
This is a wake up call to you what type of man he is. Is that someone you can rely on?
I would tell him, you know what. Maybe you could have said goodbye to having a baby. Maybe for you that dream ended months back. I'm not where you are and I need you to be here for me while I go through this. This still hurts and devastates me. This is the closest I will come to bury our child. I would like for you to be here.
I think speaking plainly and asking him to be direct about how he handled it, what it all meant to him has been brewing. Honesty.
Just, you may not like what you have to hear.
Have a family member that is close to you be on hand should he chose to walk.
*hugs* I am thinking of you and will say a prayer for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 November 2011):
 He sounds like a selfish prick..
It's not like it is the LAST concert he might ever attend.
And you throwing fits is well, kinda normal for someone going through what you are going thru, you have the extra hormones raging too.
I would tell him what it means to you to have him there, if he can't be there to support you, Iwould honestly be pretty miffed, but I would throw tantrums. Me, being me, I would ignore him next time HE was sick.
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