A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel that my boyfriend of almost a year whom I love very much is trying to control me! I have a son from a previous BF and for the sake of my son he and I are friends. We are Hispanic and have a very close relationship so we kiss on the cheek and hug hello and goodbye when he picks up my son. My BF feels that that is disrespectful and makes him uncomfortable. He has mentioned other things that bothered him and I have changed them. This time I feel like he is trying to control what I do based on his feeling uncomfortable, and the fact that every 2 months or so something is uncomfortable and innapproriate between my sons dad and I. In my culture it is customary to hug and kiss. Is it really inappropriate if we are just being natural for my son and if this is how we want to handle our relationship? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2007): My suggestion, respect your man. But that's only if he acts like a MAN. I have never let any of my ex bf dominate me. But, in my relationship now, my bf dominates me. And I allow him to do so, cuz he does what a man should do. Oh, and he is Italian :p
A
female
reader, Lovebunny  +, writes (27 June 2007):
 will,U don't have to put up with him controling you if in fact he is. It is good that your friends with your son's father. I understand why you and your son's father kisses on the cheek and your boyfriend should understand ,accept and respect it . So what you should do is explain to your boyfriend that you does this because its part of your culture. If he can't handle this There are three things you can do one you can change this about ur self any any thing he dosnt like .Or you can stay the way you are and put up with his reactions. or u can make it clear to him that if he dosnt accept the kissing on the cheek thing ,then you will dump him. there's nothing wrong with changing a few things(may be only bad things like for example being a liar)about ur self to make the relationship better but he should exccept and respect your culture.I hope every thing works out for the better.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (26 June 2007):
 It's hard to say. My wife is Hispanic too and Latin people are this way. On the other hand, you don't need to go to this extent with him. If you are that close to your child's father, explain the situation. If he respects you (the father), he'll understand. You should be able to spend time in each others company without your boyfriend accusing you of things. On the other hand, he shouldn't be your main focus either.
I get the impression though, your boyfriend is jealous about other guys too. You mentioned be interrogated if you go out. That is a dangerous sign and something you should be careful of. If he's controlling you, it's just the beginning. Every time you give in to him, it reinforces his beliefs.
Latin men, in general, tend to be more dominant. I have lived in my wife's country and know there is truth to that.(Italian too) There seems to be one rule for the women and another for the men. It is very common for men to have girlfriends on the side but if a married woman did the same, she'd be in big trouble. This is a generalization but in reality, quite true.
You need to figure out what's really important to you. Kisses or no kisses from your ex. At the same time you need to keep the new guy in line.
...............................
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (26 June 2007):
 Hello Anonymous,
I don't understand why kissing each other on the cheek and hugging one another is good for your son. If you two get along well, are friendly and cordial to one another in front of your son, isn't that what really matters?
Honestly I would be bothered, too. Most of my family is from Austria and they have the same kind of greetings as Hispanic people seem to have - kissing on the cheek and hugging. So I understand what you are talking about, but if it's bothering your boyfriend then can't you ease up a bit on that? I would hope your guy's feelings would mean more to you than greeting traditions. When you look at it that way, doesn't it sound a bit different? I really don't think any of this has to do with control on his part; I think he is genuinely upset and is reaching out to you.
Please, your son doesn't need you to carry on kissing your ex on the cheek and giving him so many hugs. But your boyfriend does seem to need to have some sort of compromise on all of this "affection" your giving your ex. Remember that all relationships have compromises - perhaps if you don't stop all of the kisses and hugs, you can at least limit the greetings to hugs only.
Take care.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2007): Even if his doubts are unfounded, I agree that you should in fact attentuate the display of affection. Perhaps try to introduce them or invite your bf when you see your ex, this would be one way to comfort him. Or maybe, if possible, have a reunion occasionally the four of you - your couple and your husband's new couple. Have you thought about it? The keep-in-touch cannot be stopped, because there is a child who needs both parents, but I think men may be more concerned about their public image than women, and your bf wouldn't like the affection to be noticeable when his acquaintances for example are around, which is another to-take-into-account, so maybe you should be willing to concede a bit...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2007): With all this doing things with the Ex hubby-you are excluding your BF and this is what threatens him. Intamay is more than touching and hugging. It is good you have a strong relationship with the EX but it is so blurred and the boundaries crossed that when the BF comes into it...it doesn't appear like it is over and cultural differences aside...you partner is expressing his concern and it pains him, makes him feel more vunerable to see you be so close with the EX so stop hurting him.
Put your pride aside. This isn't about control.
I take it your BF isn't Spanish? So just because you are, does not eliviate you from the responsibility that your BF says hey...that's too much for me to accept, it hurts -stop it. Why the heck won't you? What about his culture that says physical contact, emotional support, spending time together...are all acts of bonding. If this was done with MOm, no threat, no problem. With brother, no threat no problem. EX hubbby PROBLEM.
You have many friends and family where it is acceptable and non threatening to hug them so this ONE...ONE person that is...is worth the sacrifice.
You have to sacrifice such people or in this case, relationship for the sake of the one you deem the love of your life. BF should matter more, and come first not the EX.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy new BF is Italian and says he knows about affection but he feels that between Ex's child or not it is inapropriate, and that is makes him uneasy. Out side of this issue he has always made comments here and there about other men and me at work, dance class, when I go out with my friends(which I rarely do because of the interrogations), and even about a male online classmate. He attributes all of these problems of insecurity to this one issue of PDA towards my son's dad. My son's dad thinks I am being controlled and took offense at my request to stop (out of pride I suppose). I just need to feel that I made the right choice for the # 1 man in my life; my son.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA little history on my ex and me. We got pregnant very early in our relationship and decided to try and see how things would work out, but we later realized that we were not in love. We remained together and it got bad... we fought a lot and had a lot of resentment, and we ended things. Before the baby we were good friends and he was like my mentor, so after we broke up we decided to go back to being great friends. My son's father now has a girlfriend and she tries to tell him what to do and he says he does not let her interfere. I think that closeness intimidates my new BF even though I have been very reassuring. I told him it was for my sons sake, and that I love him. There have been other issues like I should not go to his house, he should not be in mine, we could not shop for things together like clothes, and when he got his big boy bed ( which I did not want to miss). I have obliged to all his other requests! Is it really asking too much for him to understand this one issue? Or am I making it worse by sticking to my guns?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2007): You're Spanish? Well, maybe your bf is afraid of "donde hubo fuego cenizas quedan" - "Where there was fire, cinders remain" and that is what worries him. In your culture it may be costumary to hug, but your bf sees them as rather intimate gestures. If this is the only problem between you, I think you could try making a compromise, like reducing the hugs.
Or just remind your current bf he's not a danger for your relationship, and reassure your bf that you want to create a positive atmosphere for the sake of the child, that he should understand.
With a bit of a luck maybe your ex and your bf can become friends... which is not frequent at all, but tell him this, to stop him from seeing your ex as an intruder or a pptential risk. After all, he's the father of your child and you share parent responsibilities, that is a fact.
Any problems with your bf except for this... different view between cultures regarding display of affection?
...............................
A
female
reader, flower girl  +, writes (26 June 2007):
 No it's not at all inappropriate for you to act in this way with the father of your son, you feel that that is best for your son and he is the most important thing.
No matter how you feel about your boyfriend your son comes first and he needs to start accepting that, because it is very likely this is going to happenuntil he is at an age where he does not need to be picked up.
If he feels that uncomfortable with it does he really need to be there when your son is collected?
Obviously your son is the most important thing in your life so you have to decide if you want your boyfriend to dictate to you about the way you are with your ex.
Take care.xx.
...............................
A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (26 June 2007):
No it's not at all inappropriate for you to act in this way with the father of your son, you feel that that is best for your son and he is the most important thing.
No matter how you feel about your boyfriend your son comes first and he needs to start accepting that, because it is very likely this is going to happenuntil he is at an age where he does not need to be picked up.
If he feels that uncomfortable with it does he really need to be there when your son is collected?
Obviously your son is the most important thing in your life so you have to decide if you want your boyfriend to dictate to you about the way you are with your ex.
Take care.xx.
...............................
|
