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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: What can I do? My boyfriend has told me many things that have made me feel so bad about my body. In his mind, he's just being honest and blunt, but in the end "it doesn't matter, because I LOVE you!" - like it was a magical phrase to make me feel better about the other things!Let me explain, some times he's let it slip that sor and so are hot (skinny celebs with big boobs... I'm not like that) and me being a woman, I ask "Well, do you think they're hotter than me?" and he says yes, I ask why and he says "Well, they have big boobs on a skinny body, I'm a guy, what do you expect?". I've lost some weight and some boob volume. He's noticed and has asked me sometimes if there's anything I can do to make them a bit bigger naturally. I said no. He told me if I end up flat chested that I should consider getting implants (!). But that he loves me so I shouldn't care so much. He has also commented on my cellulite a few times and asked me what I can do to get rid of it... I said not much, and he seemed a bit disappointed. I told him most women have cellulite, but he didn't seem to believe me much.It's turned into an obsession with me. I hate the way I look already, I don't need him telling me all this. It's not often, but with the few times it's happened during our 3 and a half year relationship, it's been enough to plant the proverbial seed in my mind! I feel so insecure and shitty especially when I see a girl that is closer to his ideal... I always think that if he got to know these girls maybe he'd be more attracted to them, or if he fantasizes about being with them or even if he laments not being single to go after them. I know this is all crazy thinking, but it hurts to even think that he mentally undresses them and likes that picture better than my own real, naked body. Sometimes with all he's said - which isn't a lot, but it's enough - I even wonder if it's really worth having sex with him anymore? I mean why, if he doesn't really appreaciate my body? I sometimes don't feel like it but give in anyway and pretend that I feel sexy, but on the inside I know that if I looked more like Scarlett Johansson he'd be having a much better time and it SUCKS. He thinks that by claiming he loves me he fixes all this and that I should be glad. I understand having an insecure partner must be boring, but he gets angry at me! With what right? I have NEVER made him feel insecure, I always compliment him, on his looks and on his performance and I mean it. I don't know I just find him the hottest guy on Earth. I wouldn't change a thing (except maybe his insensitivity). Anyway, whenever I get angry if he looks at pictures or videos of his celebrity crushes, or if he makes a joke about some hot girl, and I get insecure he gets angry at me and says I'm being dumb and that he's tired of it and bla blah... well I've told him that I'm VERY insecure and that with all he's said then what does he expect, and that maybe it'd be better if we broke up, but he doesn't want to. He expects me to be ok with all the criticism he's made, and with all his appreciation for other girls, and not to get insecure, ever. What can I do? I feel really confused since I don't want to take ALL the responsibility for this problem, I don't know how to get over my insecurity... I admit I have my pride and don't want to say "Yes, I'm wrong and he's SO RIGHT!" either. I knwo y'all probably think I'm very wrong and that he's done nothing bad, but I don't know. I just think if I admit I am the proble, well, I don't want to feel abnormal and like a crappy girlfriend either. What can I do? Why does he have to like other girls so much, who don't look like me? How come I don't really think sexually about other guys, that I think he's the hottest? Of course I think other guys are good looking, but they don't even compare to him in my eyes, and I never feel a sexual thing towards them. I just don't understand guys... I wish I did... it just seems like they have the right to have sexual feelings toward other people and we just have to swallow it. And I'm not completely OK with that. I am a human, and humans are sexual beings... so yes, sex to me is VERY important in a relationship (not because of love... but because of human nature) and if I'm with someone I want to feel like a sex goddess in their eyes, is that weird or expecting too much? I hate it that some other girls he doesn't even know are more sexually attractive and arousing than me. That he likes that body type better, and that with all his comments makes me feel like he doesn't really appreciate what I have to offer and like he's just taking what he can get, sexually. He may love me, but if I'm not what he desires sexually, then I don't feel totally good, simple as that.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (30 January 2010):
 Sorry honeypie, but to tell the truth, I don't think this guy understands what love is. Now I got no time for insecure women who get upset because their men notice that someone else is good looking. That's just crazy, off course other people are good looking, I like Johnny Depp meself. He's a beautiful guy, and yep, when I see him on a film I do say "wow". But Johnny Depp is beautiful to me like a flower or a piece of art. Can't imagine having sex with him or getting close to him, just noticing that he looks pretty to my eyes.
What your boyfriend is doing goes beyond a simple appreciation of beauty. Telling you your flat chested, complaining about your cellulite. This guy is purposely putting you down, he wants you to feel insecure and needy. You don't sound like the average insecure woman, who just feels inadequate. No you sound like someone who has had her confidence destroyed bit by bit.
What he's doing isn't love, it's a form of mental abuse. It may be that he's young, or it maybe that he is calculating, whatever it is, he knows what he's doing, he wants you to feel like this. Your totally right, he uses the "love" word as a band aid, he uses it like a weapon to stop you from complaining about his cruelty to you. Men in love don't mention cellulite, they don't tell you that you need to think about getting bigger breasts. Yes, they may say, so and so is sexy, but they tell you your sexy, and far nicer than anyone in the movies. A guy in love dose more than speak love words, a man in love shows you through actions, consideration and compliments that he thinks you are the best thing in the world.
A guy who constantly puts you down and makes you feel ugly, is a guy who wants to destroy you, so you become frightened to leave him, because you think that no one else will ever love you. Already, like you said, your starting to hate the way you look. I have a feeling you didn't feel like this before you started going out with him.
Solution: People treat you the way you allow them to. Your listening to him and believing his evil words. They are lies, your young and beautiful, you got a lot going for you, you must have, cause that's what attracted him to you in the first place. Got a strong feeling that a guy like him wouldn't be seen dead with an ugly girl.
Stop taking this as a joke, make it more serious. Whenever he criticises you, then tell him it's not funny, and if that's how he feels about you, then maybe you shouldn't be together.
As long as you love him more than he loves you, as long as you allow him to put you down and criticise you, as long as you listen to his crap, as long as you allow him to dictate that he's the master and you are inadequate, then you'll always feel like this.
Personally, I think you should take a long break from him and start to go out with your girlfriend and people that make you feel good about yourself. But you probably can't do this. Listen to what I say though, he knows what he's doing, he talks to you this way because you let him, and he knows it destroys you inside, that's what he wants, he wants you to feel small and afraid.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 January 2010):
There isn't anything wrong with you at all. It's just he's clearly not ready for a relationship, and not good enough for you. You can do better to be honest.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (28 January 2010):
 So let's just be clear at the outset -- there is nothing wrong with you. Your boyfriend is rude and insensitive, nothing more, nothing less. He hasn't clue one about how to be in a supportive relationship.
If he really loves you, he accepts who you are, and loves your qualities. If he points out things that feed your insecurities, then he's not mature enough to be a quality partner for you. Suggesting implants, criticizing celulite -- this is not a quality person in whom you should be investing your emotions.
You need a man, an you're with a boy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2010): Pardon the pun, but your guy is a real dick and very immature. The thing is, the damage is done. Even if he changed today, he can't erase what he has already said. Have you ever truly spilled your tears to him??? Perhaps if he saw how much you hurt, he would quit doing it.
There are so many men out there that would not do this to you, so don't stick it out with this loser until you don't have enough self esteem to leave him. I know it's hard when you love someone to just walk away, but it may be for your own good.
If you can't leave, what the hell, fight back. Start admiring other mens cars, the money they flash, mention that you really like diamonds and is he EVER going to make any descent money! This will get to him.
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