A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This may not seem like a huge problem but my boyfriend has no insecurity concerning me. He doesn't mind if I hang out with boys, even ones who fancy me. He just says he trusts me. I wish he'd be a little more protective. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (9 September 2011):
Your boyfriend is right, it is not for him to tell you who you can and can't hang out with, flirt with, or break his trust with. He cannot control you, no one can. He is letting you know that you need to make your own choices in life, and that if you meet boys who are interested in you, that you will do the right thing because that is the person you want to be, not because he tells you to. This is called respect. He is encouraging you to have your own self respect.
On the other hand, the feeling of wanting to have your partner protect you and stand up for you, and in a sense assert his dominance over you, is a feeling that is natural and part of what governs attraction and courtship. It is understandable that you have this feeling. Keep in mind though that these feelings are part of our evolutionary inheritance, from times when a strong man was neede to protect against physical threats. These feelings come from a less evolved time, and even thought they are still powerful today, humans and human relationships have changed, matured.
Have a chat to your boyfriend about it. If you can understand why he is taking the position of trust that he is taking, tell him that you understand it, but that at the same time it would be nice if he was a little bit protective of you, just to show that you care. Even though you understand it is your choice how you behave, you like to know that it matters to him, and that he shows you this from time to time.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 September 2011):
Jealousy = no trust.
This is a route you do not want to go down.
You're not really asking for more protection - you're asking him to be jealous. Jealousy is something that quickly gets out of control. Protection is when a man is there for you when you need him. Jealousy is when a man tries to control you and slowly erodes you. A lot of women have gotten the wrong idea about men. They think that jealousy means a man must love the and be interested. In fact, it's a signal that he's insecure, distrustful and has nothing to do with love.
The man you're with now has total respect for you, and is trusting. That's the highest thing that you can expect from a man. He respects you, he allows you to express yourself, he allows you to have friends that you want. It will not get better. Do not think for a moment that he's not protective - he's the sort of guy who'd take a bullet for you. He's just not stupid or insecure enough to throw his toys out the pram when you're with other guys.
You are in the best position. If you want a jealous man, dump this one and find a screwed up guy who isn't secure. Then you'll soon see the difference between real protection and a man who's jealous.
You're entirely wrong to think that this man is not protective. Don't think that, don't try to make him jealous in any way (you'll just get dumped).
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (8 September 2011):
 The only thing insecurity in a partner can give us is greater power in the relationship or a huge headache. Instead of (or maybe in addition to) having a lot of power, it sounds like you have a lot of freedom, which is just as valuable.
'Protective' boyfriends aren't actually protecting YOU. They're protecting themselves from competition and have no scruples about restricting your freedom to do it.
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A
female
reader, pinkkitty23  +, writes (8 September 2011):
I understand what you mean but you should be happy he trust you:) My current guy is protective but not around other men cause he trust me. Ex. my best friend is a guy and we live together and he has no issues. BUT he is protective of me ex. we work together and he'll insist on walking me out to my vehicle or tell me to ask one of the other door guys when he's not there. Just quickie examples. Better to have a man then a insecure boy.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 September 2011):
 Careful what you wish for. The perfect situation is when he trusts you. If he was more protective of you.. it could be an indication that he does not trust you. And would you want to be with a man who can't trust you?
Just be happy about it. Enjoy your freedom to speak to whomever you want and draw the lines yourself for what YOU are comfortable with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011): No, I know what you mean. I had an ex who was not protective of me at all. But, I mean not at all. He didn't care if I hung around with other guys, wasn't bothered by me flirting (innocently and as time went on not as innocently as I hated him,) but also he never stood up for me either. It made me feel like he just didn't care and wasn't all that interested in me.If people put me down he would laugh and go along with them. Or if other people would hurt my feelings he would say I was too sensitive. He never comforted me when I was sad, scared, or anything like that. In fact, he was also very condecending and treated me like I was an idiot. I ended up hating him. Now I'm with a guy who is protective of me and sometimes he can be a bit jealous, which at times can be annoying. But at the same time, I know that if he wasn't jealous then he's not interested in me any more. I love him so much that I am not flirty with other men, and I instantly tell a man who flirts with me that I am not available. We've been together for six years.Having trust is excellent, but I think at times it is okay to say "I'm not comfortable with you being so flirty" or "that guy/girl is really pursuing you and I it bothers me." I think it is natural and normal to have those feelings sometimes.
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