A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am extremely jealous when it comes to my boyfriend that it scares me! We don't live together but, I end up stalking him on social media. Seeing if he is liking other girls pictures on Instagram etc. He's French so, I end up translating every comment he makes to see if he's up to something. I'm seriously considering learning French just so I know what he's saying on the phone when I'm with him. He hasn't done anything to suggest he is cheating and I trust he wouldn't do anything stupid but, for some reason I just get really angry at him for posting pictures with female 'friends' to the point of asking him to delete it but, he never does and we end up arguing so... I just end up reporting his pictures hoping it can be taken down. He's always teasing me about how jealous I am but, I can't help it and it angers me more. What should I do? Is it normal for him to have many female friends?Am I overreacting?What can I do to stop feeling like this?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (26 July 2016):
 You don't trust him at all, if you did you wouldn't be showing the behaviours that you do. Learning French to know what he's saying and stalking social media is NOT normal, not by a long shot.
He has too many friends? What? You can have as many friends as you like I'm afraid, there's not a limit you have to abide by because you have a girlfriend and I really don't think having pictures with female friends is disrespectful.
He probably winds you up over it because he finds it annoying that you always have a go at him for it when you say yourself you have no suspicions of him cheating. I know for one I'd find that highly annoying and it would probably be a deal breaker for me if I was constantly hounded for it.
You sound overly jealous and you really need to get help for it or you'll be doing this kind of stuff for the rest of your life sending you crazy over nothing. If you can't change your behaviour then I think you need to break up with this guy and find someone who's more compatible for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2016): He points women out to make you jealous. This guy sounds immature on every level from what you say. I don't think you will find the capacity for a grown up relationship in him at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2016): Miss Frank - He treats me nicely and shows public affection, he isn't a bad boyfriend. I have spoken to him about it, telling him it upsets me and he says "lol ok babe". The only thing that pisses me off is him pointing out girls when I'm with him. He just laughs and says "you jealous?" Like why? I don't think he hangs with them much and he spends time with me when he can. Anonymous 123 - I honestly believe there is such a thing as too many 'friends'. No one can have that many friends, I feel like the word friend is used too loosely and it's usually not their friend but rather acquaintances. I don't mind him having female friends, people who he knows in and out and he's known for a long time. But to have many female acquaintances is a big no no for me. Maybe I should have worded it differently.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2016): Miss Frank - He treats me nicely and shows public affection, he isn't a bad boyfriend. I have spoken to him about it, telling him it upsets me and he says "lol ok babe". The only thing that pisses me off is him pointing out girls when I'm with him. He just laughs and says "you jealous?" Like why? I don't think he hangs with them much and he spends time with me when he can. Anonymous 123 - I honestly believe there is such a thing as too many 'friends'. No one can have that many friends, I feel like the word friend is used too loosely and it's usually not their friend but rather acquaintances. I don't mind him having female friends, people who he knows in and out and he's known for a long time. But to have many female acquaintances is a big no no for me. Maybe I should have worded it differently.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (25 July 2016):
 It's not good of him to tease you, but that's where his fault stops.Reporting his pictures is wasting your time and the person's time who has to check them.Yes, it's normal for guys to have female friends.No, your jealousy is not normal, okay or healthy and it needs to be worked on with a professional.Stalking him is obsessive and you shouldn't be in a relationship if you can't behave appropriately.You are controlling and you will lose him when he gets tired of it.That's the brutal truth, OP. He doesn't deserve this and you don't deserve the trouble you're causing yourself either.Seek therapy and work towards stopping this jealousy before you do too much damage in all of your relationships.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (25 July 2016):
It's mean of him to wind you up on purpose. Does he know the effect it has on you? You should tell him in a sensitive way how it makes you feel, I use the word feel as he cant deny you that - how you feel is how you feel. Don't criticise him, rather tell him next time he does it. Give him a huge, and say listen, you may have done that with other girls you've been with in the past and I know you do it because you think its funny and you are playfully teasing, but could I ask you to not tease me like that - you know how I am, and it makes me feel jealous and uneasy, it doesn't make me laugh'.
If he continues then he's sing so knowing its upsetting you and yes I'd that's the case he's being purposefully mean, which is disrespectful and horrid.
Having lots of female friends was the before you and will continue should you split and he be with someone else. Tell me, what do you do together - I mean, do you go out, how does he treat you? Is he out with them instead of you? These are key questions
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (25 July 2016):
 You're overreacting way too much. Forgive me, but I don't really accept the logic that if you've been hurt badly in a previous relationship, you carry it on to the next one. This is why you're supposed to take time to heal. You knew what you were getting into. You didn't possibly expect the new boyfriend to be a hermit and talk ONLY with you.
If you're that paranoid then don't have a relationship, it's as simple as that. If your partner hasn't given you any reason to doubt him, then you really shouldn't. If you do, then it's your problem, not his. Him having female friends is not the problem, your reactions are. Honestly you're no one to decide how many friends he needs to have. That's like saying, 2 are fine but not more that! How do you even numerically define what's too many female friends?
If you think that he doesn't respect you, then sadly no one can change that. Remember, you command respect, you don't demand it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2016): I agree, I guess it is because I've been beaten so down in my last relationship that I have completely lost what it's like to be in a relationship. However, I feel like he does small things like comment on girls when I'm with him to tease me which makes me angry. I have a male best friend but, I hardly have any male friends and that's not because I don't want any. It's because they are all looking for something more when I'm not. They never want to be just friends even when they are TAKEN! See that scares me, he has admitted to me that he has many female friends but, why!? No one needs that many friends! He doesn't respect me if he has these pictures of female friends all the time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2016): If you're the jealous-type, one female friend is too many. Do you have any male friends? If you don't, why not? There is no rule that all of your friends have to be the same gender, if you're married or in a relationship. They should only be friends and kept in the friend-zone. No hanky-panky.
Your jealousy is based on your own insecurities about yourself. Feeling you're not good enough for him, so he'd probably look for someone else to replace you. That scares you. You also have that all too common notion many females have that men cannot be fully trusted, and our penises always win over our brains. That's a myth, or no one would be married; and no one would ever have a boyfriend. It's not because women are so flexible or have given in. It's because most guys are faithful when they love you. Everyone gets tempted, regardless of gender.
You cannot be the only female in his life. If your jealousy continues or worsens, you will lose him without a doubt. You can only deal with insecure people for so long. Insecurity kills relationships. You have to trust people sometimes, or you shouldn't agree to committed-relationships. There is always risk in love. You will lose boyfriend after boyfriend, if you don't grow-up.
Learn French, he will love you for it. Not for trying to spy on him; but because you want to understand him better and to show you care so much. Sometimes just demonstrating your love for a person is enough for them to remain faithful to you. You have to believe that, or you will never be happy in-love.
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A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (24 July 2016):
Oh my goodness... I hate to say this to you as you have been so honest with how you are feeling and behaving, but you absolutely have to tackle your thoughts and actions around your jealousy, it is out of control and you are preoccupied and its affecting your happiness, as well as your relationship and any relationship you may have in the future.
Cyber stalking, translating all hes writing on social media, wanting to learn French ... You say you don't think he would do anything which tells me your rationale mind can see this, but your emotional illogical mind is in control here and its ruining your ability to hold a happy relationship.
He has done nothing wrong here and you relay he gives you no cause to doubt him. Your level of jealousy and mistrust is extreme, please know that, and your behaviours are extreme- please know that too. I'm surprised he knows all of this and hasn't ended it.
Please get some help, this really isn't acceptable behaviour. Yes you are overreacting, in an extreme way.
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