A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I've been with my boyfriend 6 months and he has just found out that he is father to a 3 month old baby. He had a brief fling with the mother last april and stupidly they were careless and ahd unprotected sex. The baby was born 3 months early in October and he only found out on Monday about this when the police rang him to ask why he hadn't turned up at a court hearing about child support.However he didn't get a letter regarding this and the mother failed to contact him to let him know she was pregnant so it was a big shock to the both of us and he is trying to sort it out with his solicitor.He said he has no feelings for the mother and I'm nearly sure that this is true but I never thought we would be confronted with a problem like this. I never had any wish to be involved with someone who had a child already.2 months into our relationship, he informed me that he was in fact married and separated (from a different woman) and it took me a while to get over this. The main consolation for me then, was that no children were involved, but now it seems I was wrong. The mother says it is definitely his, apparently the dates match up and the baby looks mixed race. (he's black and the mother is white).However now it seems cruel that our relationship is being torn apart yet again by another problem which was caused by him. We tried very hard to make this work and we even discussed getting married in a few years time when we are both ready. I know I might sound selfish here but I'm only 21 after all (he is 28) and I never expected to be faced with a problem like this at my age. My boyfriend says we can try and get back to "normal" but I don't know what normal is for us. He's very upset about it as he has just returned to work after being off for 4 months after an accident and he has huge medical bills to pay.Can someone please advise me what to do? Has anyone here ever been in a similar situation? I have nobody else to ask for advice as my parents would give out to me for being so foolish as to get involved with such a man in the first place. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks Gina, its great to have someone to talk to about this. for now he has no contact with the child as he is not even sure that it is his although it looks extremely probable. I just cant see myself ion this situation and I cant see how it would work out
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you Gina, I am still coming to terms with it all as it is 8 days since we found out. thinking about all the costs of child maintenance & then buying presents and things has occurred to me & the mother is going to get as much as she can off him, that is apparent already. my boyfriend arranged a meeting with her with their lawyers present yesterday & after he was waiting an hour with his lawyer, her lawyer rang to say she was not coming.
so it seems like it is going to be an even messier situation than necessary...
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks again for the advice Gina& Emily,
I feel like I have been deceived the whole time that we have been going out. I think I need some time to myself, there is no point in meeting him anyway because I dont want to talk to him right now.
he keeps texting me saying that we ''shouldnt let this stop us'' I dont think he realises or wants to realise how this will affect our relationship in thelong term if we did stay together. I just feel so confused about it all
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (8 January 2009):
You say he is the first guy to treat you properly...
Hun there are several million other men in this country who could treat you the same or better.
Just because he hasn't been horrible or smacked you about, it doesn't mean you should stay with him. Just because he's better than the others so far means nothing.
As you've said, you are still only 21 so I'm guessing you haven't had THAT many boyfriends to treat you badly. Don't settle for the first one who's remotely good to you.
Good Luck!! xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you Emily,
thats how I feel I keep wondering what else may come out in time if we were to stay together. accepting the fact that he is married (now in the process of getting divorced) was hard enough but a baby will never go away, it will always be there, reminding me of the face that he lied to me. he is the only guy who ever treated me properly & that is partly why I have been reluctant to dump him, but I cant imagine seeing him with this child & spending time with it & the mother.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (8 January 2009):
The whole baby thing is a big enough shock but for him to then turn round and tell you he's MARRIED sends up a big red flag for me.
Yes you may have feelings for this guy but do you think they are strong enough to cope with the massive amount of baggage he has just dumped on you?
And this is assuming that he doesn't have any other "little" secrets to tell you about.
I think you are too young to have to deal with all of this and there are better guys out there who really are who they say they are and don't have the CSA after them. I'm 25 and certainly wouldn't want to deal with it.
Good Luck!! xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi Gina, yes I was very shocked to find out about his wife especially as she was someone who I worked with a few years ago but there was no indications that he was married. however this is far worse it has been wrecking my head since monday!
apparently the baby is still in hospital over it being born & he said ''hopefully'' it will be coming out later this month but I dont see anything hopeful about the situation. I never wanted these king of complications I only wanted a straightforward relationship. I feel so stupid & upset right now
I dont think I can talk to my parents they will give out to me as they are very strict
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