A
female
age
36-40,
*ari
writes:my mom picked out a guy for me to marry. she asked me if I loved someone.... I told her about my boyfriend but my boyfriend of 2 years says he's not ready to get married and wants to break up. I was devastated. My mom says I have to get married by the end of this year. Out of nowwhere my ex-boyfriend's best friend called me up and proposed... a marriage proposal. He says he secretly loved me for two years and that he can't watch me getting married to someone else. I accepted his proposal and told my mother about him. She likes him too and wants us to get married soon but my boyfriend has no idea about this and I don't know why I accepted the proposal... maybe coz I didn't want to marry some stranger... I may be better off with someone I know. So what should I do?
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female
reader, bari +, writes (31 January 2009):
bari is verified as being by the original poster of the question well thats how the system is... girls here dont have much rights...unless there educated or working. accepting this treatment is kind of embedded in our minds n personality... we cant object to any decision regardig marriage....n we dont object.
my mother is lil more understanding....i think so...
she beleives in love....but she doesnt like it.
the concept of aranged marriages is more prominent here. normally u wud see the guy ur marrying ...most probably on ur wedding nite.
age is a major factor here.....we have to get married by 23 or 24....if we cross the age limit then it becomes hard to find a guy....
A
female
reader, bari +, writes (31 January 2009):
bari is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've logged in after a coople of days.... and these days have brought some major changes in my life. iv patched upo wid my ex....ive decisied to give him another chance.my fiance had asked me what i want...i told him clearly i love my ex. so he told me to go back to him n give him another chance.he knew i wasnt happy....i tried alot...but i just cudnt feel nything for him. i dont think it wud have been right to be with him...n love someone els. my ex was the only person i was happy wid...n im really happy now. maybe he has learnt his lesson.i havent told my mom abt this....i dny knw how to tell her. im gonna try n complete this semester...n then break the news to her. coz if i tell her now she mite make me quit studying.i dnt wanna waste all my hard work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): i also just read something that completely horrified me. your husband might not let you study?! SERIOUSLY DONT YOU SEE THATS COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS?!! a man doesnt get to tell you what you can and cant do! this makes me so mad. if you want to study then study dammit! you need to move to canada where things are fair and equal. im completely enraged right now. men are pigs if they think they can tell you how to live your life. thats just plain wrong, you should stand up for yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): why do you NEED to get married by the end of the year? im not sure where you are from and i know that some places have such beliefs but WHY? i just dont understand this. dont they know that its worth the while to wait and find someone you truly love? i would refuse and tell my mother to back off... it just doesnt seem right to me and i cant wrap my head around it. just live your life and see what happens. what if your not happy in this relationship?? take it slow and dont commit to anything that your heart isnt fully into.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): Hey I can't really empathize, I have my guy. But I can sympathize.
I think you made the right descision. Your ex just ASKED for it. And he got it. His friend sounds like a decent person, who loves you and will be a great husband to you.
Hope it works out for you! XX
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): What I meant was, looking forward in ten years time, who do you see raising your children? Who do you see as being a responsible father for your children? Or even who do you want be a role model for your children? Who do you see working hard ten years later? Who do you see being responsible and loving and caring ten years later?
Don't rush into anything, and there's no reason why you should have your answers right now. Why don't you just take a break from everything, let them know you're taking one, and decide when you feel you know what is right. Let it be days, weeks or months however long it takes for you to make an informed judgement based on your own feelings and thoughts.
If this is your marriage you're talking about you certainly should carefully take your time as the decision you make could stick with the rest of your life, and you don't want to live with the wrong decision for the rest of your life, so it's important that you come to a decision with certainty. When you finally do make a decision make sure there are no doubts and you know who it is you want to be with.
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A
female
reader, bari +, writes (15 January 2009):
bari is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyep it is a very unpleasant situation at the moment. im still thinking about my ex all da time. but i cant keep changing my statements wid mom.ive told her iv broken up wid him...i dont see a tomorow..let alone 10 years. my fiance...hes so loving and caring and hes crazy about me.but i just dont love him inreturn..well not at the moment.maybe i will sumday in da future. he knows i dont love him but he still beleives that maybe after getting marriied things will change and my feelings will change.can his love channge my feelings???
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2009): Bit of a predicament. Think hard and see yourself like ten years into the future. Who do would you see yourself with?
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A
female
reader, bari +, writes (13 January 2009):
bari is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni thought my ex would let go of me so easily, but hes trying to get back wid me. everytime i see him i feel so weak and memories wid him start hitting me hard. i know i dont want to give him another chance coz i cant trust him. but i know i still love him.
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A
female
reader, bari +, writes (11 January 2009):
bari is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes im willing to take this step towards committment. im a very pretty girl, there are plenty of guys in line.but none of them want marriage.n i cant just let someone use me and leave.i dont wanna experience this whole breakup shit again. getting married would ease alot of burden...especially for my mother.
the guy seems perfect...there is no reason to say no to him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009): "marry someone who loves you, not someone you love"It depends where this view is coming from. People in the west date one another and it is convention that you must know one another and have a relationship before getting married. The west rather ignorantly sees any other way as wrong and irregular.When it comes to arranged marriages as it is predominantly in the eastern countries, it comes with negative views among the western minds of being 'forced', and 'no choice' and 'oppression' of women. This largely isn't really true at all, although there are instances of those claims being true in large they are ignorable compared to the majority.People in these cultures grow up knowing and accepting that they will be married in an arranged marriage refraining from any other relationship until to the point they are actually married. Because of this they are subconsciously prepared to commit before they even meet their partner. Love, they understand would come later through their committment to one another as time passes by.Unfortunately, you're not used to this culture, you have already dated and don't seem to have the same kind of pre-committment, and you're views and attitude on relationships are more akin to what people have in the west. Luckily for you though your ex's friend is someone you do already know and is at hand willing to marry you.Let's say if you want to look at the other prospective groom your mother had in mind (or any others for that matter) you need to make sure you lay your terms out into the open for them to see, that you want to continue your studies and any other conditions that you may have, don't sit there pretty and hoping for the best, the decision to marry who you want to is ultimately your choice and your life you are putting on the table. Don't marry anyone unless they are willing to agree to your terms and they understand this and are willing to respect those terms before marrying you.It seems to me overall that your ex's friend would be a very good choice, you say you don't love him but love can come later but only if you are 'willing to commit' and make it work. But if this kind of thing isn't really you then always remember you have the choice.
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A
female
reader, bari +, writes (9 January 2009):
bari is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes the guy has told me he knows how to handle my ex,and hes prepared for the worst.he just is willing to let me go at any cost.
ive always found it hard to adjust myself wid this culture. i knw my mom wants me to be happy in the future but she says she cannot assure me that the guy she will pik for me will let me study further or not.and i really wanna study...i havent even done my bachelors yet.
ok look at the situation this way...the guy my mom will choose....will accept or reject me according to his parents willingness....so that means he personally will not have ny interest in marrying me....he may want someone to take care of the house n family etc.
now the guy who has proposed wants me to live my life according to my choices n interests...kids..job...studies...everytng is upto me. he has known me for two years...he knws my likes n dislikes...he knws my tastes and personality.so? people say.''marry someone who loves you,not someone you love''..........should i believe this?
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (9 January 2009):
 im just worrried that how would he react when he finds out that im marrying his best friend?
HE is your Ex, and thus you can not care how it will affect him. He had his chance.
what if he trys to create problems?
Part of being in any relationship is to deal with this potential issue. I am sure your fiance thought of this already, and is preparing himself...if he hasn't, bring up your concerns.
will i ever love him?
Only if he addresses your emotional needs.
its kind of late to reject the proposal now.so i have no choice.marrying a complete stranger my mom mite pik for me would be risky,rite?
Wrong. You always have a choice. I do not know your cultural rules, but I have to think that your mother would not want the worst for you.
-Frank Kermit
www.franktalks.com
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A
female
reader, bari +, writes (9 January 2009):
bari is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks so much for ur opinons and views. i think ive now taken the dicision to atleast leave my ex behind and move on. im just worrried that how would he react when he finds out that im marrying his best friend?what if he trys to create problems?
his best friend says he is crazy about me, he understands me. he is very open minded and gives me alot of liberty.i do like him....but at the moment i dont love him. i knw he will keep me happy...and if im happy im sure i can keep him happy. we have discussed things about maariage and life after dat.he wants me to continue my studies,and wnts me to keep a good social life.basically he wants me to do watever i wish to. but i dont love him yet....will i ever love him?its kind of late to reject the proposal now.so i have no choice.marrying a complete stranger my mom mite pik for me would be risky,rite?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009): Coming from a similar culture to yours, I think you'd be much better off with his friend. Your 'ex'-BF doesn't sound all too good to me and he would/should have taken the proposal to marry you.His best friend sounds much better for the long term and much more of a worthy person.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (8 January 2009):
Well, first, you have to come to terms with the fact if you are really OK with arranged marriages. I assume that it is based on your culture, so if you truly feel that it is right for you, and that you can live with the consequences, then so be it. My family tried to set me up with a woman, and although she might have made a good wife, I never cared much for her as a person, and I am happy today that I did not marry her.
The only thing I can tell you is that your "bf" Had the chance to marry you, and he did not take it. For that reason alone, you would be a fool to think he would ever make a good husband or father to your children. If he can so carelessly walk away from you when it was time to get serious, what makes you think he would stand by you and your children when real life gets difficult?
Even if you do not marry his best friend (I think it is unfair to him that you would marry him and not love him), that still does not mean your ex-bf is a candidate. Your ex-bf violated and abandoned you, and you need to consider that on its own merit regardless of what you feel towards him.
-Frank Kermit
www.franktalks.com
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