A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I had an argument last night. I feel bad , because he had cooked us a meal. We didnt get to eat the meal together. He has bipolar disorder, and i cant handle it when he is too hyper. He was very hyper yesterday, and had had a bit of wine, and i went upstairs, just to be quiet for a while. I think he thought i was in a bad mood. He switched the bedroom light off and started shouting at me. I walked out the room, and he pushed me when i was on the stairs. Luckily, i didnt fall down the stairs!. I told him that i didnt want to stay because he was so hyper, and because he had a drink. Alcohol seems to make his condition worse. He kept shouting at me when we got downstairs, and he pushed me out of the house. I had to wait outside in the rain for a while to get a lift home. My boyfriend didnt even know if i could get a lift home. He tried to call me when i got home, but i mised the call. i called him back and he told me to leave him alone and told me to f**** off. he called again, and apologised for talking to me like that. He was in a pub when he called me. We spoke again today, and he told me that he smashed his house up last night when he got back from the pub!. He had knocked his tv over, threw his mobile phone on the floor, smashed the dish with the food from the meal last night ( the food was still in the dish ), and smashed some other objects. I'm shocked that he did that, and i dont know if we should stay together. Another problem is that there is a possibility that i could be pregnant with his child!. I'm due on my period anytime between now and this Monday ( i usually come on by the 18th of the month at the latest ). My period still hasnt come yet, so i am worried. We did a home pregnancy test on Thursday, and it was negative, but i'm still worried. What should i do?.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): I don't know if anyone will still read this, but i wanted to let you know that my period still hasn't come!. I did a pregnancy test last Tuesday ( 19th of March ), and it was negative. It is now 23rd of March. Should i do another pregnancy test, or should i just see the doctor on Monday?. I have never missed a period, or had a late one!.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): Just ignore him completely. If you have stuff at his place ask your uncle to go with a list of things you need to him to collect and just keep ignoring him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): He didnt contact me last night ( the last text i got was at 4.30 ) but i've just woke up now and i have got 13 texts from him!. I havent responded yet. He's driving me crazy!.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): Get him out of your life for good. Then you may have the chance to find a better more stable and normal relationship in the future with someone else. Just make sure you don't repeat your mistake of picking this type of man. There's a lot of messed up people out there who are unfit for relationships but use them anyway to prop up their unstable lives while destroying others along the way. Such as this guy. I bet he would be better off if you left him too since such people only get triggered to higher levels of rage and psychosis by emotional relationships. If you are pregnant with his child that would be horrible indeed but if so you still have options to terminate the pregnancy (save your future child's life for when the father is a good one not this unstable freak) . Or if you want to keep the baby make sure the biological father only has supervised visitation no more so as to not mess up the child. Either way keep him out of your life whether you give birth to his child or not. If in future you meet and marry a better more normal and stable man then the child will have a real father (a step dad), this psycho is just the sperm donor and should be seen as such.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): February had only 28 days. If your period comes every 30-31 days, you will not be due to start your period until the 20th of March.
Please start using condoms or some other form of birth control.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): All the best OP, I don't envy your situation but I have no doubt in my mind you can pull yourself out of it. It sounds like you have a great family behind you to help you through this, and frankly your mother will snap out of it once she sees you taking care of things.
OP he crossed too many lines, he not only risked your safety but he actively put you in danger. He's not relationship material for you or anyone and words, counselling etc. won't cut it. He did it before and look how much it's helped, it hasn't, he'll always fall back into this kind of behaviour and habits.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): My mum doesnt want me to let him in my house again, or go to his house, if i stay with him. I actually find it easier to talk to my dad about things, rather than my mum. I love both of my parents, but i think my dad has more sense than my mum has, and he gives good advice. I dont want to stay with my boyfriend though. I just need to find the strength to leave him. I'll admit that i have become dependant on him. I spend more time with him than i do with anyone else. I have been with him for fifteen months. He knows about my period being late. He said that he would want the baby, if i am pregnant. Even if we dont stay together, should i tell him if i am pregnant, and should i let him go to any of the appointments with the doctor?. I know its early to be thinking about that, but i need to think about these things, just incase i am pregnant.I will take another test if my period doesnt come. My mum was saying that i should have been more careful when i had sex with him. She was very angry. And yes, she knows about what happened last night. Chigirl, for all he knew, i might not have been able to get a lift home. It was dark and raining, and i might have had to walk home alone ( which wouldnt have been safe ). My uncle picked me up. He should have let me stay in the house until a lift came. And i could have walked out of the house without him pushing me.Cerberus, that is a very good idea about going to my local domestic abuse charity. I think that would be helpful.You are all right. Things will get worse if i stay with him. He keeps saying that he will get medication and counselling, but he doesnt. He did a long time ago, but i dont know why he doesnt now. He also says that he will cut down drinking, or stop drinking all together, but he doesnt. He even called me boring when i told him that i dont like it when he drinks!.Thanks again everyone. I'll write again soon.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 March 2013):
 Of course your mother doesn't like your boyfriend, and she'll be very supportive if you leave him I think. Also don't underestimate your mother. If you are pregnant, IF, then I believe she will help you out as best as she can. There was no point in telling her you are worried about being pregnant though, your period isn't even late. And like I said, stress can and will affect your period. So if your period doesn't come do not worry too much, because you've been stressed and because of stress your period might not come at all. Take a couple more pregnancy tests or go see your doctor before you start scaring yourself with thoughts of being pregnant.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (16 March 2013):
 Did you tell your mother about the abuse he inflicted on you?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 March 2013):
 Better alone than dead. Better a fatherless child than a physically abused one . You are afraid of the wrong things, OP.
You've got to be afraid of what happens if you stay with him. If he is so much older than you, he is old enough to know that he should be on meds and avoid getting drunk drink- he knows it and he chooses not do it. THAT is scary.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): OP it's not the 18th yet and the test said negative. Go get another couple of "early warning" pregnancy tests and make sure it's negative, there are a million reasons you could be late and you're not officially late yet. Plus abortion is always an option if needs be.
OP now is not the time to feel stupid, now is the time to act. No point in feeling sorry for yourself when you have to sort out getting rid of this guy.
Nobody can help you do this OP, you need to find the strength on your own.
A shit life of abuse or moving on, those are you two options. OP have you considered going for professional help, just to talk to someone about your feelings and things? You seem to be living your life based almost solely on fear. Fear of being alone, fear of being with this guy, fear of being pregnant, fear of not being supported, can you really say you're living a happy, stable life at the moment? I honestly can't see how you wouldn't want to change your circumstances and make them better but you don't seem to want to live any other way than being afraid all of the time. I honestly don't know why you wouldn't want to free yourself of a major source of all that in this utterly crazy asshole and also become an independent, strong and happy woman. If you don't feel you can do that alone go get help.
OP you need that more than you need a man, we're not able to fix you OP and we can't take away your fear, in fact it makes you very vulnerable to the only kind of dickhead that wants a woman like that which is generally the abusive controlling kind, because a woman who is scared OP is a woman who will always be a victim, a victim of predatory, father figure men and a victim of her own mind which is worse.
Op at least go drop in to your local domestic abuse charity OP and have a chat with some of the people in there about your situation and what happened.
Some strangers on the internet can't give you the kind of close in, practical and in person support that you need in the situation you find yourself. Maybe being able to talk to an abuse survivor in person will make more sense to you. No matter what you decide or do OP you won't be alone, especially not in the UK, there are tonnes of resources out there to help you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): My mum has just gone mad at me because i told her about my period being late. I dont think she will be supportive if i am pregnant. She doesnt like my boyfriend. I feel stupid for getting myself in this situation.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (16 March 2013):
"I also wouldnt want my child to grow up without it's father."
Your child will always have a father. But your future child is MUCH better off with a father with visitation rights with adult supervision, than a father who smashes the house down and probably will smack the child around as well. I speak from experience, you would NOT be doing yourself or a future child ANY favours by staying in an abusive relationship. Do you not understand the abuse you are willing to deliberately put your future child through if you go ahead and have a child with this man? Do you not see that this man is mentally ill and is NOT going to be a good father?
No father around is by far better than an abusive father. But for now, you are not pregnant, you don't know if you are pregnant, and you really shouldn't get back with this man even if you are pregnant.
Staying in an abusive relationship because you're scared to be alone is no reason at all, it is an excuse. You've become so dependent on him, and so broken down and probably controlled by him, that you're scared of being on your own. But you have nothing to worry about. You are a grown woman, you are strong, and you will do just fine on your own. Just fine. Millions of women get by on their own every day, why shouldn't you be able to? Besides you have family and friends who you can turn to in times of need. Your boyfriend is NOT someone you can turn to in times of need, as he is the one who puts you in need. Who did you call to pick you up when he threw you out? What if all of your belongings were in the house and he trashed them too, and what if your phone was in the house when he threw you out, or what if you didn't have anyone to call? Then you'd be alone and scared. If you leave him now you have no reason to feel alone and scared.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 March 2013):
One more point to make. Love isn't going to fix him. Your devotion and time and help are not going to fix him. He needs treatment, it sounds like he needs really serious medications and it'll take time to stabilize him, if he can be stabilized.
Don't make the mistake so many abused women make, which is to stay in the relationship, believing that their love will conquer all. It will not.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 March 2013):
Get away from him now. Just imagine what sort of rage an unplanned pregnancy could provoke. Do NOT tell him.
You'll know in short order if you are or are not pregnant. This shouldn't be factoring into your planning to get away from him ASAP.
You are in danger if you stay with him. Call friends and family now, get their support, so you won't be alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): "I'm scared to be alone though."
More scared than what he may end up doing to you in one of his rages?
"I also wouldnt want my child to grow up without it's father."
Not only did the test say negative but you can't let a child be raised by this guy OP, that's what you want a little child to grow up in? You want to raise a child in an abusive relationship? Get real OP.
"I also want to add that he is much older than i am"
Which makes this something he will never be able to fix OP. I have bipolar friends in their 30's it takes everything they have to control it and they certainly don't take any drink or drugs that would make them lose it.
Your reasons for staying are some of the worst I've heard, you'd rather condemn yourself and any child you have to a life of abuse because you don't want to be alone?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): Thank you all for your replies. I know i should leave him. I'm scared to be alone though, especially if i am pregnant. I also wouldnt want my child to grow up without it's father. It's very difficult. I also want to add that he is much older than i am ( he's old enough to be my dad ).
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (16 March 2013):
PS. In case it wasn't obvious enough: my dad is bipolar. And although he never smashed things around, he was verbally and physically abusive. He would scream and shout like your bf does, he would put his hands on us, he tried to choke my mother once, he'd lift me up by my ear or by my hair when I was little. The list can go on and on, and while he has his good periods, as I am sure your boyfriend also has... none of it makes up for what he did.
He's the reason I don't put any value in the words "sorry", because after each incident he would tell us how sorry he was... But nothing changed, and the next time would be just the same, and then he'd say "sorry" afterwards and expect everyone to be happy and forget what happened. But there are things I will never forgive him for doing, and I am trying hard to not resent my mother for having let us stay alone with our father. After all, she must have known what he put us through, because he put her through the same. But maybe she was one of those naive and gullible ones who thought "surely, he wouldn't do that to a child"...
So just ask yourself this: would you put your child in your shoes last night, to be pushed down stairs and yelled at and pushed outside in the rain?
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (16 March 2013):
Okay, you're not pregnant. At least not that you know of. You can't go around basing decisions on the "possibility of being pregnant". You took the home test, it was negative. You're about to get your period soon, but stress can make it late or not show up at all. And it sounds like your boyfriend is putting you under quite a bit of stress. You need to get away from this man. I never support relationships with bipolars, because most people are so ignorant about the illness, they don't have a clue about any of it and think it'll all "get better" one day. But it's not. This is who he is, this is what you get, and it's never going to get better and it's never going to change. So if you don't want to live in a home with a man who smashes it up and pushes you down stair and yells and screams at you and sends you out in the rain in the middle of the night... Then LEAVE. Especially if you have a child, or are pregnant. If you are pregnant, or have a child, this man is in NO condition to be a father. I like to say this to all gullible and naive people: the way the man treats you IS the way he will treat his children. Mentally ill people do not see the difference between adults and children. If he becomes a father he WILL push that child down stairs, he will yell and scream, he will knock things down around the house and keep the child up all night with his yelling and smashing, and if he is abusive towards you in other ways (this btw IS abuse) then I can guarantee you he will abuse his children in the very same way. You are ignorant if you think he'll somehow treat his children differently from the way he treats you. So if you are pregnant.. then even more reason to leave this man and end the relationship. I'm not saying all people with bipolar personality disorder are like your boyfriend. People are different, they behave differently. But being in a relationship with a bipolar is nothing like being in a relationship with a mentally healthy person. You simply can not expect the same, but never the less there are no excuses for abuse. If you were happy and safe in a relationship with a bipolar person then fine.. good, okay, maybe you would be able to deal with it with proper education and proper treatment. However, you are not safe with this man. So he does this yesterday... what about next time? When will next time be? Are you happy living in limbo, not knowing when the next dinner will be ruined, or possible smashed in your head? Or when will you actually fall down the stairs, maybe next time he'll aim better. What is it about this relationship that is worth taking such a risk? What is it about this relationship and man that is worth risking having children with him? Do you not understand what a father he would be like? Do you not understand that he is violent and out of control? Whatever he puts you through he will put his children through, and if you have children with this man and continue to live with him then that is the same as you accepting this abuse and letting it happen. How do you think your future children will view that? "Oh yeah, I had a crap childhood because my mother refused to leave my abusive dad", is what they will say when they talk to their therapist...
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): OP he was verbally, physically and emotionally abusive. That needs to be the end of this relationship and you know it.
He showed very big signs of being a physical danger to you OP, the fact you didn't fall down the stairs is not nearly as important as would have happened if you did.
He got so mad then that he trashed his place?
Too much of a danger to you OP, there are no comebacks from this.
How you can even consider going on with a man who can be that violent and lose control in that way is beyond me.
His condition does not excuse this behaviour OP it's actually even more of a reason to leave him as soon as you can. He's obviously not just a benign, controllable form of bipolar he's an extreme case and prone to physically lashing out.
This guy is bad news, he's a danger to you.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 March 2013):
I would leave him for now. If he gets help for his medical condition, which is treatable, and gets it under control for at least 6 months, then you could consider reconciling with him. But as for now, he sounds too unstable and dangerous for you to be around.
Wait a few days, then retest. If you don't start your period in 2 weeks time, go see your doctor. Cross the bridge of worrying about pregnancy when you actually reach the bridge.
Get support from your girlfriends and family if you are really worried about being pregnant; don't reach out to him right now. He needs to be in treatment.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 March 2013):
Follow person 1234's advice , break up now from a safe place,and do not try to razionalize what is going on with " That's only his bipolar disorder acting out, he is actually a very nice guy ". It does not matter WHY all this happened ( particularly since apparently he is tryng to control his disorder with alcohol rather than with therapy ), only that it HAS happened and it may happen again anytime.
Don't get yourself killed " for love " .
Ditto about pregnancy- you'll cross that bridge when you'll reach there. First things first.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (16 March 2013):
 I think you should get away from him and break up with him while you are in a safe place. This man is DANGEROUS. What happens if next time he pushes you you DO fall down the stairs? He is a ticking time bomb and one of these days he might snap and he could seriously hurt or kill you. Please take care of yourself.
Wait a few more days before worrying about pregnancy, your period isn't even late yet.
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