A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Sorry this could be long. What are people's opinions on this?I've been with my current partner for just under a year. We were friends for 3 years before we got together. One of my very best friends is my first boyfriend who I broke up with 10 years ago. For the last 8 years we have been very good friends and nothing has ever happened 'like that' or has even been discussed. He has met my new boyfriends and I have met his new girlfriends. Our friendship is purely that.. A friendship. I meet up with him about once a month for lunch and we speak on the phone once or twice a week. My current partner knew about our friendship before we got together and never questioned it. I've never lied about when I meet him and my partner has even come too on a few occasions. I have just found out that my partner has been texting and meeting an ex behind my back. He is fully aware that she is the one person I have a problem with as she has made it clear she is still interested in him and has never got over him. They split 3 moths before we got together but he cheated on two previous girlfriends with this girl. I made it clear from day one if we were to get together he was to have nothing to do with this girl. She has a reputation as being a home wrecker and openly tells people she's only interested in taken men as it makes the chase more fun. I despise her. He speaks very badly of her to me saying she is a home wrecker and she loves herself and she's a nasty person. Last week she took much delight in calling to tell me my partner and her have met up on several occasions and text regularly. He denied this then she sent me screen shots of their texts. It appeared to only be friendly.. They went to the pub a few times and went for a walk on the beach on one occasion. In one text when they were arranging to meet up she even asked where I was and he said 'shes working late tonight so it's ok'. He then admitted he's seen her but only as friends.Both say nothing further happened but he lied and I can't get over it. He says its exactly the same as me and my friend who's an ex but in my opinion it's nothing even similar! He said he will stop seeing her but if he had a choice he'd still be friends with her. What do I do?
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (21 July 2013):
dump him, he wanted more from her and you deserve better
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2013): the best thing is to leave this guy. There isn't anything that you can do that's within your power.since you have made it clear that you don't like her and have a problem with her, I guess now you can't know if he's telling the truth and saying that his relationship with her is just like your relationship with your ex. I mean, he can now claim that he *would* be open with you about talking to her and going out with her, and he *would* invite you along too, just that he knows you hate her and would freak out. Thus, he is saying, *you* are the reason he keeps his supposedly totally innocent friendship activities private. since he's never tried to stop you going out with your ex because he trusts you, therefore you need to extend him the same courtesy and not try to stop him going out with his ex. If you feel "it's different for him", well how? He says he has no romantic interest in her so what does it matter if she's interested in him?if you want to have the right to control who he keeps as friends and what he does with them, then you need to stop seeing your ex too, not because your bf wants that, but to be fair, then you can agree to a blanket rule of "we do not go out with our ex's" or "we do not go out alone with friends of the opposite gender." either way, whatever you want him to do, it has to apply to both of you. that said...I do feel that he is not over her either. it seems that whichever girl he is with, he always goes back to her. The two of them have their own complicated messed up relationship going on. I wouldn't trust that it's over now, more likely it's just repeating their pattern.I think you've picked the wrong guy to be with... If the only way you can feel secure that your partner isn't cheating on you is to control who he sees because if left to his own devices you believe he will cheat on you, then this means you're definitely in the wrong relationship and should get out now. and note: you cannot really control someone anyway even if you tried. you can go so far as to outright forbid him to see her (fairness and double standards be damned) and you will have a temporarily illusion of having succeeded in controlling him but that doesn't mean he will do what you want, rather it means he will try not to get caught. He already has a history of sneaking out on his past girlfriends to be with her so who is to say it will be different now. In fact, it seems that SHE is the one who is the constant in his life (no matter how messed up their relationship is), you are just part of the parade of "girlfriends" who have come and gone from his life, while she has always been there in some form or other. it really seems he is stuck on her and that's reason enough not to stay another minute longer with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2013): Yeah he may well have been bothered with the whole double standards thing- you're clearly close with this friend, but he SHOULD have talked with you about it- it's bang out of order to blatantly lie and go behind your back.
I also agree with the first poster, you actually forbid him to see someone on day one so it's like you never trusted him...
To be honest i think this relationship kindof doomed, unless you really try and work past the trust issues- however he did go behind your back and I don't think I could live with someone who did that...
Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (19 July 2013):
 Firstly...you are in a relationship with a cheater and you expect better...prob not going to go your way.
Secondly...you are laying down the law about who he can talk to on 'day one'...means you don't truat him and probably never will.
Thirdly...you are telling him NOT to do something (speaking to an ex, whatever the set up) whilst you are doing exactly the very same thing yourself...double standard...not conducive with a happy relationship.
...and lastly...You cannot control what a person does, you can only leave if you do not like it...so probably best to call it a day because you will never trust him justly so or not.
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