A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Two days ago in what should have been a simple albeit heartfelt discussion about the way our relationship was going, my boyfriend and I started arguing. He swore at me before I had time to finish a sentence or really even start upon what I wanted to say and so I pushed some papers at him and some earphones (nearest to hand and somehow symbolic as he often has them on his head to not hear me) and I went to walk off feeling it was impossible to talk and this wasn't my first attempt either. Suddenly he flipped completely grabbed my throat and shoved my head against the wall and shouted "I could kill you, you stupid b*tch". He then shoved me on the ground and he went mad picking up the earphones and smashing them up and I got bruised badly on the leg from this, then he got a small bean bag and started weilding that around and split the fabric. I hid under a desk and thought he was going to beat me and he crawled under the desk to shout in my face.It took 2 hours for him to calm down and I was totally shaken. I've had arguments with him in the past, sometimes too physical and I have been hurt but nothing like that. I've always just thought he had a temper. I have been unable to look at him properly. He has apologised and said "I'm not a violent person you just make me insensed".I should give some background this is a guy who has waited a long time (18 months) for me to decide on whether I want a future with him after he left the UK (he had always planned to) to live in another country. He says he has been faithful and has waited for me. I have struggled to consider all elements carefully and be confident about my finances and my future as there is a lot to emigrating. I have made several trips to see him and when I have gone back to the UK he has got more and more frustrated and more importantly hurt with me. He says there has been a lot of damage to our relationship over the last 18 months of being apart and I wonder if there is a other things mixed into that comment. He has got angry and frustrated on the phone when we've been apart because he cannot "do anything to help" (his words) but I see it now as he is frustrated because he cannot control my decisions or influence me - not even when we are together.This latest act of violence has made me loose all trust in him - faith really I guess and though I love the country he is in I don't know what kind of life I would have being fearful of him. He said to me yesterday "You know I would not have killed you don't you" and I said "No I don't". He apologised but I just can't accept it.Now he is turning the tables on me and saying that he's not sure we've got a future and that he doesn't think I like him any more, he feels totally useless and not just since the bad argument but since I arrived. I cannot believe what I hear. I have invested so much time, effort and money into this relationship with him to try and see if it has a future that I cannot believe he can, in a rage or otherwise, say something like that. I cannot imagine those words coming from my mouth ever.Do relationships ever recover from this? Is this just 18 months of bottled up hurt, pain and anger? Should it recover? Should I just get on the next plane I can back to the UK? Is it basically over when someone threatens you in that way? I know these questions seem daft its just that I've been trying to process it over and over and am so upset. Have even questioned if its my fault.Please help.
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female
reader, Too Sensitive  +, writes (3 February 2009):
Can the relationship ever recover? In a word - no! Oh, it may ebb and flow, fluctuating between good and bad behavior on his part. He'll promise to change, he'll swear it will never happen again, he'll tell you he's not really like that. But inevitably he'll always swing back to the bad behavior, b/c this is his nature. This is who he is, this is who he has become. There will be moments where he will let his guard down, and moments when he will not be able to control himself. Something will trigger him. That is when you will bear the brunt of it, and you will suffer and face horrible consequences, emotionally, psychologically, and now physically.
They are very good at making us believe that they have the very best intent. They are very good at making us confused and we start to question whether it's our fault. We even start making excuses for THEIR behavior - "he had a rough childhood - he's under alot of stress - he was abused when he was younger", etc. All those things may explain their abusive behavior, but they do not excuse the abusive behavior. There is NO excuse for that. They are very good at turning the tables on us. An argument is one thing, but abuse, whether it be verbal, emotional, and/or physical, is inexcusable, and quite another situation altogether. Please don't ever blame yourself, though that is what they want us to do. That way they think they can justify their behavior to themselves. But there is never ever any justification for that.
Abusive behavior shows an intense lack of self-control on the abuser's part. If they lack self-control in this very important area - when relating to us - we also have to question how many other areas of their lives they are lacking this self-control. And there are others, believe me. You just might not be aware of them yet. It runs the gamut.
Please heed everyone's advice here. Not one person has advised you to stay and try to work it out. All of us fear for your safety. We are all concerned for your well-being, both emotionally and physically.
We cannot tell you what to do - we can only tell you what we think you should do. Ultimately the decision is yours.
Be strong, believe in yourself, and believe that there is a life beyond this relationship. Don't try to justify staying b/c of all that you've already invested. Instead, for your own sake, justify leaving, and invest in your own future, one that is safe. You owe it to yourself. His next outburst will be worse than the one before. The next time, more than likely, you will need a trip to the hospital, or worse. Get out before it's too late. We are not being dramatic here - we are being very realistic.
Please do me and yourself a favor - read the articles on the webpage link below - in particular, "Identifying Losers, Controllers, & Abusers in Relationships" and "Love & the Stockholm Syndrome". I've posted some of these articles before in other responses, and I'll do it again here for you. They've helped me tremendously in understanding what I'm dealing with in my own life and relationship - reading these articles were real eye-openers for me. I hope they'll do the same for you. Let them inspire you to do what you need to do, let them give you a better understanding of what you're dealing with, and let them give you the strength to get out and move on.
http://www.drjoecarver.com/3/miscellaneous2.htm
Good luck, and please let us know how you're doing.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): If I were you, I would leave him. Don't tell him that you are leaving him. Just leave coz if you do...he'll beg you and you'll stay. So the best thing is...just leave.He's only your BF and he dares treating you like that. You imagine if you're married to him. He would say that he owned you and he can do anything he likes to you.I don't want you to go through all that. It's painful and it's not right. Nobody deserves to be hit no matter what.You leave him for your own good.The world is big... there's a reason for everything. I believe that there's a man for you out there but it's just that he haven't found you. You be strong girl!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): *I answered your question already. I just wanted to clarify: By "experience in domestic violence," I mean that I have represented domestic violence victims who sought civil protection orders, and also, been an intake counselor with an emergency domestic violence project.
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A
female
reader, saoirse +, writes (3 February 2009):
 Hello,
I was with a man for three years, from a different country and he and I had to wait a long time to be together, and mostly it was my own insecurity that kept us apart. It took many trips, and many miles crossed to finally bring us together. When we were together for the most extended period of time, he'd left his home country, and his family and his friends, and pretty much every symbol of a life he'd had before me. We would get in arguments in frustration at each other, but never once did we become violent.
However, i was in a relationship with a guy for two years, who lived in the same area as me, and after about two years he became extremely physically and emotionally abusive. It started out pretty randomly, every few months he'd get violent and then after a few hours apologize and tell me that it's my fault for making him like this as he wasn't normally.
The thing here is, it doesn't matter how much stress a relationship is under. It's never, ever your fault when someone becomes abusive. You wouldn't take that sort of thing from a friend would you? No. You wouldn't. So don't take it from him. If the words "i could kill you" leave his mouth then run for the hills honey, because he's telling you the truth.
There is one fact that is true in every aspect of life, and that is people will tell you who they are and what they're about. Generally however, we have a tendancy to ignore that and try and make them what we want them to be.
I have no doubts that you probably love him, but the fact is he doesn't care about you, or your life. You're too good for that. Everyone is. No one needs abuse, and no one needs to be hit or have hands laid on them in an angry or threatening manor.
You need to get away as soon as possible. It's up to you if you decide to call the police or not, but if it ever happens again. Do. there really needs to be a record of it.
I hope you can find it in yourself to realize your own self worth. I also hope that you're able to leave him while you still can.
Good luck,
S.
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A
male
reader, The old Man? +, writes (3 February 2009):
 Get on the next plane, try and put it in the past. No one deserves to live their life in fear. Once it starts, it doesn't stop.
Your mate is supposed to be the one that you feel safe with. The one who would be the last person in the world to hurt you!
You're questioning it, he's questioning it, you both know the answer....
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (3 February 2009):
 My advise is to get the next plane home, once a man has hit the women he loves there is no turning back.... It will happen again! This man does not deserve your love and affection, get out of there as soon as possible, you will be much better off away from such an arrogant bully.
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