| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. I love him and know that he loves me. The issue I face is that he is really into ethnic/exotic looking girls. I am the complete opposite. I'm fair skinned with light hair and light eyes. Everytime he points out ethnic girls as being beautiful, I feel awkward b/c I know that I look so different from them. I often feel like he may have just settled for me b/c he didn't find who he really wanted. I've addressed him about this before and asked him to at least try to sometimes point out girls that look more similar to me in appearance as being attractive. He hasn't though. Instead, he suggested that I dye my hair dark brown/black. I did and absolutely felt uncomfortable and silly looking b/c the color just didn't look right on me at all. Am I wrong for feeling upset at the fact that I'm not the rule, but the exception. Should I feel happy that he normally isn't attracted to girls like me but is with me, or should I feel inadequate b/c of his constant references to the beauty of those that look nothing like me? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, maxsteel86  +, writes (10 August 2006):
 a lotta harsh words there from wild thaing! Forget your coffee this morning?:P
true though, dont let this jerk try change u into something you're not and probably dont want to be. Tell him to find someone else to treat as his modelling clay! Your self esteem will really suffer with this guy and since you said u already talked to him about it and it hasn't helped, consider that it might never stop...
A
female
reader, bonym +, writes (9 August 2006):
 Your boyfriends behaviour is unacceptable. I dont understand why he is going on about ethnic girls when he is with you, its wrong that he is trying to change you, he should be happy with you, after all you are a couple so he must be attracted to you. Most men have an "ideal" woman but mostly its justa fantasy and they know that in reality they would never be with someone like that because fantasies are fantasies! My dear, dont allow him to change you, if you are fair with light hair and eyes thats how God made you, dont allow him to make you into someone you are not, you wont look right nor will you feel right. Me personally, I love exotic looking men, you know, deep tanned, black or very dark hair, dark eyes, smooth skin but who is to say that I wont meet and fall in love with the total opposite of my "fantasy" or "perfect" man? What I have found is that there is beauty in all races, all different skin tones, different coloured eyes, hair etc, when I was younger as a black girl, I only liked black guys cos that was the norm, but as I have got older and wiser, its foolish to say that men of other races are not as nice as my own race. (sorry off on a slight tangent but in the same sort of field!!!) The fact is, he is with you and not with some ethnic looking girl, dont let him change you, you are beautiful as you are and if he continues treating you like this, you deserve better, give him an ultimatum. xXx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2006): I had a similar prob with my b/f too. If he really likes these ethnic and exotic women that much, why isn't he with one?? He must be attracted to you, unless he is just with you until he finds someone better or until he can actually 'pull' one of these exotic looking women (usually ethnics stay with their own kind and not always attracted to white men..!!)...ouch that is horrible, and I hope not true. So just have it out with him. Don't ever change for anyone, you are beautiful in your own right, both inside and out, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Your b/f sounds a bit insecure himself, because when a man is insecure he makes his other half insecure by looking at other women and comparing to his g/f. This is emotional abuse, of which he probably is not aware he is doing. He certainly wouldn't like it if you were pointing out all ethnic guys on the street and make comments on them now would he?!!
...............................
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (9 August 2006):
 Honey, if you were in a relationship where your boyfriend beat you every time you said the word "hello", would you stay?
The question above sounds preposterous, but the beating you are taking right now is not physical - it's much worse. Your words reveal that his behaviour is eroding your self-esteem.
In any worthwhile relationship (romantic or not) both people benefit from mutual respect. But in the case of your relationship, there seems to be a lack of such respect. This defect needs to be addressed in a way that leaves both you and him in a better state of well-being.
So the answer to your question is: When you feel that someone you care about is undermining your self-worth, make it known to that person. Upon receiving their response choose whether or not you want to continue a relationship with that person.
Whatever you decide, please choose the option that allows you to undo the erosion of your self-esteem. Good luck and take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Amethyst  +, writes (9 August 2006):
 **first reply**
This is a somewhat tricky one. I don't know either of you personally, so I'll have to go with what I'm getting off of your question only.
If your boyfriend truly loves you, he will be happy no matter how you look. Some people have their preferences, but after he's settled down with you and has commited himself to you, he shouldn't point out other women... at least in my opinion. You said you have confronted him about this, was it blunt or just hinting? Because if you have told him, "Look, I'm sorry I'm not an ethnic girl... but you love me anyway right? So please, don't point them out, it makes me feel self conscious because I want to be the best I can be for you, and I can't change my physical appearance any more than I already have for you." then... he reaaaally shouldn't be pointing them out.
My advice is to have a talk with him, tell him exactly how it makes you feel. If he still does it, then maybe you'd better prepare yourself for the reality that maybe he doesn't love you for who you are, but who he thinks he'll be able to make you....
...............................
|
