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female
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*dlady
writes: How do I handle this problem? I have been dating a man for almost 3 years. We just moved in together 8 months ago. The problem is that he has developed a reltionship with his ex's 8 year old daughter in the last 5 years and now considers her, his daughter. She visits every other weekend and he is very close. The problem is that this is killing me. I don't see why we have to be parents to an ex's child on a weekly basis. Why does this relationship have to continue? Is this fair to me or am I being unfair? My boyfriend also provides for this child financially, emotionally, etc etc. Him and I both have 15 year old sons that will be going to College in a few years and I want to move on with my life with him and not babysit now or later. He is 18 years older than me as it is... Also this child has 2 other fathers (1 real, 1 step-father)that are in and out of her life when the mother feels it's convenient, but my boyfriend pretends to be the main one. What do I do????????? HELP!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2006): KD Honey,
You are thinking of the "me" and not the "we".
You should have taken the child and him with you.
You are putting all this anger and resentment on the child and it is not in the child but in how the Ex is and how you perceive your BF as being controlled.
He is a responsible man and is accountable for his choices. He is chosing to say yes he will care for his step daughter. I find no fault with him honoring his promise to the 8 year old. Why aren't you supporting him?
When you are willing to be what you know he wants and needs, he will be that for you as well. Change of heart will also give you a new perspective. That is all we are doing are best to say to you.
You want change; then change yourself and with that comes the change in world.
You decided to go ahead with plans without him; you excluded him from your life that day. How is this helpful to your relationship?
I know it is hard to swallow our egos and put others first. It gets easier over time and that is all this relationship needs. You putting him first and still communicating and expressing your thoughts and feelings to him without putting conditions on him.
I still say counselling will give the both of you insight into one another as that is apparently lacking.
You could have still gone to the shore with him and invited and welcomed this 8 year old child. She is innocent. You really do believe she wishes to have "three" father and you really do believe she is desires to make you unhappy and you really do believe she wants you and your relationship to fail. These thoughts and feelings are the furthest from the truth.
Why are you so dead set against loving her and your boyfriend? Who really is exluding whom here?
KD, if you strongly believe your relationship is not worth saving; then you made your choice.
You need to be happy but furthermore, you need to know and recognize when you have it within your hands.
*hugs*
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2006): Another thing. He should never give money to the woman.
Instead, if she is asking for money to pay for food-after you both discuss and work out how he can still do what he strongly feels is right (and you should support him on him wanting to be a good, honest, loving, reliable man) and you are comfortable and trust him that his actions are not him wanting his Ex or loving her but rather loving those beautiful children and taking care of them- both of you go grocery shopping and both of you drop them off.
This is but one example.
The rent thing is not him putting a roof over her head; it is him putting a roof over the children's heads as he knows she is constantly putting her children at risk of having no home, no food, no stability-those children know and recognize his goodness and that offers them hope; his actions are an example on how to be. He has great impact on thier lives-please don't take that away.
Show her you are united. She will not like this. This can get the message across that he is now continuing to do what he can to help the children and you support him in that and that he is no longer helping her out.
If she needs someone to talk to, both of you meet up for coffee or lunch. Be there. Continued togetherness will get the message across. She doesn't want this; it does upset her world as she still gets to pull him back into it; it's like a fantasy. Be a part of it. It will jolt her back to reality.
Just don't turn it into a competition. You have him, he loves you; you get to go home with him.
Tell him that you are willing to support him as long as he involves you. Tell him that you need to be present so you can better understand what goes on; this will give you oppurtunity to not feel helpless and alone. Tell him.
You want that dependancy she has with your Ex severed; do it by baby steps. Be there and be apart of the process. Tell him this as well.
I think he wants your help and support.
Know that the Ex is a woman who hates herself and does what she does as her hate wants her to hurt and she keeps creating her world so that she always hurts; she feels she deserves hurt and pain. She is not happy. She had a good man and let him go;why do you think this is? She knows he is reliable but doesn't fully understand why he is. She doesn't know what she wants and with this; she is teaching her children to be the same way. It is destructive.
I know what it is like to live with a woman, my birth mother, who did the same things to me as a child and I rememeber all the people who did their best to take care of me and my siblings. It mattered and gave me so much hope and taught me that I mattered and someone out there cares for me. It is a profound feelings to know that someone out there still cares and loves you.
Best of wishes honey and I still stand by my statement to get counselling for your relationship to solidify it so in the future, you know nothing or no one will threaten it. Take action.
*hugs*
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (20 July 2006):
 Honey, your responses tell us more about you, and I'm going to tell you what my observations are:
1) The defensiveness of your tone tells us that you are not ready to listen to other viewpoints. While you elaborate on your original post, you don't add anything new except to provide more arguments to support your own viewpoint. If you truly understood the differing viewpoints of the responses to your post I would see it - not just a mere throwaway sentence stating that you "get" what some of us are saying.
2) You're upset about a promise broken, and are lashing out. I don't know how anyone else reading this post feels about this, but when emotions overwhelm judgement, it's best to let the emotions pass before taking action. If you decide to take action while still being angry, you will end up hurting your own cause - guaranteed.
3) The situation you chose contains unusual circumstances, but give us a break - You are an adult, made a choice, and now are whinging to us about the consequences of your choice? Do you really want our counsel or do you want us simply to validate the inconsiderate behaviour you plan to visit on this innocent 8-year old?
I outlined the two options that you have so that you can move on in a healthy way. They are mutually exclusive. You cannot have your man without his stepchild - he has clearly made a choice to be a father figure to this girl. If you cannot accept this situation, then you need to quit this relationship and then uncover the root causes behind your choices in partners and the way you behave in and handle those relationships.
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female
reader, kdlady +, writes (20 July 2006):
kdlady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your help, but I don't see it! I can't imagine anyone of you would be crazy about lingering ex's in your relationships.
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female
reader, kdlady +, writes (20 July 2006):
kdlady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, I get what some of you are saying but, before we moved in together, He assured me that this was not permanent. You have to realize that there are 2 other men in this game who are also doing the same thing. What ever flavor of the month that this woman choses is what it is...she has used my BF fro the 2 previous children that she had with her 2nd husband, she get money and uses him for the child that they share and now she uses him for this fourth child when and where she feels like it. He is aware that she is using him but he doesn't care. I am not happy about the bond because again before we moved in together we talkedd about this. I don't care if the child is 8 years or 8 months, she doesn't need 3 fathers! They all take turns like they've lost their minds on raising this child and when the mother decides to get a boyfriend periodically that becomes the flavor/father of the month. I still say this is BS. We talked about going on cruises etc...You know...I've done my time and as I stated before he is 18 years older than me--He is a senior citizen. I did plan on spending some quality time with him before he is too old to want to do anything, he's almost there now. I was willing to hold on a wait. WE HAD PLANS, as I said and now they're out the door. For instance this weekend we were to go to the shore for a weekend but we can't because his ex wants us to waatch her child while she galvants the streets... I'm not selfish, just stupid,, because guess what, he's watching her this weekend while I go on my own!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2006): It is not wrong that he loves this child and it is not selfish. It is a natural course to love a child with whom you raised up; with whom you loved and cared for. What an amazing and beautiful man you have. You have no idea how such qaulities are needed in today's world. What a gift to behold.You don't even see that to this child at the age of three, your BF came into her life and changed it. They bonded and trusted in one another and he took his committment seriously and continues to honor it. How profound a love. To the child he is her father in every sense of the word.He choses to be this for her. She will be forever grateful.What is unnatural or wrong is to have jealousy and anger towards an 8 year old child; she didn't decide for her parents to live apart-every child needs a loving mother and loving father to raise them up in a family home.He doesn't pretend and how could you belief such a thing? What he feels is real and genuine and you show your insensitivity to him by making light his feelings. He has made the choice to be her father regardless and kudos for him in taking on his share of the responsiblities of this child beit emotionally, finacially-that is what Fathers should do and are expected to do by their children and to other people who have a high regard for what is right. Irish is right in saying that you made the decision to become involved with a man who has a child with someone else. If you can not handle this fact of his life then leave before it turns into something ugly, mean, and scary.I also suggest gettings some counselling to address your fears and insecurties; why do you feel threatened by an 8 year old?Please get some individual counselling and seek after a relationship one as well. If your anger, hate, fear gets too much-I worry what will happen.Save your relationship; Woman you have a wonderful man and I would do whatever it takes to keep him and that means accepting his decision and respecting it.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (20 July 2006):
"What do I do????????? HELP!!!!"
You have choices, each with their own consequences.
1) You end this relationship because you have decided that you don't want to share a BF with a child who sees this man as a father figure. You are almost done with the child-rearing part of your life, and you feel entitled to some "me time" - this is justified, but you will lose a relationship with a man who can balance his responsibilities yet still be a good partner to you.
2) You don't end this relationship and work out issues that have more to do with your view of the world than with his. You have decided at this point that you would rather not dump him because the positives of the relationship outweigh the negatives. At some point, you will realize that this eight-year old girl will become fifteen in only seven years and (hopefully) on her way to becoming independent and well-adjusted, thanks in no small part to the efforts of your partner. Furthermore, you've taken a long term view of this relationship and have concluded how nice it would be to have all those grandchildren and step-grandchildren to spoil.
Both choices are right. It's now your job to hear what your instinct is saying, go with that instinct, and don't look back.
Good luck and take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2006): Firstly, you do nothing about this. This is what you signed up for when you met this guy. I think men who take on the monumental responsibility as your bf has, have a special kind of courage and heart to embrace that generosity and good heartedness and make the child their own. You are fortunate to have had such a terrific, caring bf. A child's emotional well being and happiness is not something a person 'toys with'. This little girl loves your bf as a father figure and and this is the way it is. You can't do anything about it, except to "accept' this situation and try to handle this with maturity, class and graciousness. The child is only 8 years old...children need all the love, support and encouragement to grow up healthy and happy. You are a Mother yourself, you know this. As for his financial committment to this child..that is your bf's choice to do that. If he's feeling committed to helping this women raise this child, with financial aid, then it's obvious he does consider himself the emotional "father" of this child. You cannot do anything and why would you? The best thing you can do is sit your bf down , hug him and tell him how much you appreciate the spirit of love he gives this child.
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