A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Recently I arranged a tanning session at the pool with a few friends. But my boyfriend doesn't like it when I tan because he says that other guys would be staring at me. While I get where he's coming from and his unhappiness. I can't help but feel that I am not doing anything wrong. Its not as if I would take my bikini top off. And I strongly believe that its my body, hence I should be able to do what I want with it, as long as it isn't anything unhealthy like taking drugs etc. How can I reason with him?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (17 January 2014):
 Do not try to reason with him. The more you try, the more you validate his position and weaken your own.
You don't try to reason with someone about needing to use the washroom, do you? So treat this with the same non-negotiable-sorry you feel that way-have a nice day dismissiveness.
When you explain your boundaries to people what you're actually telling them is their demands are reasonable and that what you want is unreasonable and unheard of which is why it needs explaining.
Think happy steamroller. As long as you're getting and doing what you need to do to be happy other people's unreasonable demands don't matter. Because they don't. Especially those of a boyfriend who doesn't provide you with food, shelter, clothing, health care, an education and all the other necessities of life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2014): "as long as it isn't anything unhealthy like taking drugs"
You mean like basking in carcinogenic solar radiation to make your skin turn brown? Oh no, that's not harmful at all.
That's not even his reason though, his reason is he doesn't like the idea of you being desirable to other men. Well I agree with the others OP, he can piss off with that jealous, possessive crap. Next he'll start criticising what you wear as being "too sexy" or calling you every five minutes making offhand jokes about all the "guys you're being chatted up by".
This is not an 'it's my body I'll do what I want' situation OP. It's an insecure guy trying to project that onto you in a controlling way and you must nip that in the bud and tell him in no uncertain terms you won't stay with a guy who is going to throw a hissy fit at how other guys see you when you're not doing anything to intentionally to draw their attention.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 January 2014):
 I'm actually going to the dermatologist tomorrow afternoon to have a cancerous spot cut off my face due to all the sunbathing I did at your age. Wear your bikini but wear sun screen so you don't end up like me.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 January 2014):
 Oh well he doesn't like it.. BFD in my opinion.
it's his insecurity that causes this and there is no reasoning with irrationality which is what his request is.
you can't reason with him and you shouldn't reason with him.
say "i'm going tanning with the girls and that's it, it is NOT open for discussion and if you do not like it, you know where the door is and don't let it hit you on the way out"
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 January 2014):
 You can't reason with him logic.
Next he will try and demand that you don't wear spaghetti straps or tank tops because guys will look. Well, yes most men have eyes, they WILL look.
You are not doing anything wrong.
What is he going to do come summer? Do you guys go to the pool/beach? If so does he expect you to wear a burlap sack?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 January 2014):
 Don't reason with him, his level of jealousy is irrational so there's nothing you can say that will convince him.
So other guys could stare at you. But they could stare at you even if you don't tan, in fact it probably it happens anyway , just your bf has not noticed. If they happen to like your legs they'll stare at your legs, if they happen to like your face or hair, they'll stare at your face or hair. What does your bf intend to do , go Taliban and make you wear a burqa ?
It's your body, he does not own it. You decorate your body the way YOU want, if you want to tan, you tan, if you want to wear make up you wear it, and so on and so forth. You don't have to pander to all his insecurities. And if his confidence is so shaky that a tanned gf is a deal breaker for him, so be it, you really don't need an insecure controlling CHILD for a partner.
P:S: : said that.. tanning beds or other artificial tanning system are unsafe , unhealthy and very damaging to your skin in the long run... just saying :).
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 January 2014):
 Dont reason with him. He has no argument. It is your body, you do with it as you wish. If he doesnt accept you and the things you do (including everything else in life that you do) then he is free to leave the relationship. Being in a relationship means he gets to be with you, NOT own you. Other boys might stare? Ask him so what? They might/probably already do stare at you in every day life, because you are cute, or funny, or get attention for just about anything.
If he goes to the beach, does he cover himself up or something?
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