A
female
age
41-50,
*hilly123
writes:dear cupid, I am not the jealous type at all and honestly i didn't even care up until last month when me and this guy im seeing for about 6 months went on vacation together for my birthday. It was supposed to be a group thing but everyone backed out last minute so it wound up being just the 3 of us. Me him and his "best friend" They claim to be best friends but i know all too well that guys and girls cant just be friends at one point they had to hook up. Been there done that. So basically, we starting chatting one morning when he ran out to the store. she told me that he was madly in love with her and they got into a huge fight and didnt speak for a few months but then he told her that he was seeing me and now shes back in the picture. I asked her if she thought that he still loved her and she said she didnt know. I found it not only odd but innapropriate that she told me on my vacation. I was so upset with him because i told him about my past hook ups because he knew him but i didnt get the same respect. We went out for drinks that afternoon and it turned out to be a disaster. I confronted him and he tells me i have nothing to worry about that he did like her at one point but that was before he met me. But i always see him on her facebook page "liking" every god damn things she posts its rather annoying. texts also. I dont want to seem like the jealous type but i cant help it what should i do. any tips???
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (25 October 2010):
 Do those feelings just go away?
Not in my experience. I had a crush on a close female friend. I actually tried to get over her because she was in a relationship. I started dating a friend of ours (my crush and me). After 3 years in a relationship with her my crush never faded, despite wanting it to badly at times. Eventually I realized I was waiting for my crush while keeping my GF around because it was better than being lonely. Not good. I ended things with her when I realized what I was doing. Still, despite all of that, that damn crush hasn't gone away.
Of course this is just my experience, but after 5 years I can pretty safely say that in some cases unrequited love doesn't just go away. Of course, it didn't help that my GF and I weren't that compatable, so I was never really smitten with her.
I know this probably didn't help make you feel better. I hope this does a little. The sex toy thing is nothing to be worried about. Some people are very open about such topics and discussing them is no different than discussing a shirt to buy. I've seen glass sex toys suggested in a few different specials, so I can see plenty of reasons why he might have suggested such a thing.
A
female
reader, philly123 +, writes (25 October 2010):
philly123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks i thought it was inapropriate for him to suggest it too it sucks i cant say anything to him cos i went through his phone. If i tell him hes gonna think im a stalker cos i already told him once i went through his phone. Ughhh why me. I mean he is with me every night stays at my house. I just hope i can get past this feeling. I mean honestly if she would've never told me that he said that to her i might not care. The sex toy thing mightve still tho. I really like him and i want this to work. I just hope he doesnt have feelings for her still. He says he did and then he met me but do feelings really go away that easily. I mean how would he like it if my best friend who happens to be a male wrote that to me......confused as ever
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): Yeah, him suggesting sex toys for her is kind of inappropriate. She is probably telling him how much she likes you to make it seem like she does actually like you; in short, she knows you told him what she said on vacation, and she's making up for it.
As for the three of you going out and you being totally ignored, you should talk to your boyfriend about that. That's definitely not right; he's making you take a backseat to his friend. Tell him how you feel. If she keeps interjecting herself into your relationship, saying promiscuous things to your boyfriend, etc. this is going to be a big problem.
Best of luck! Let us know what happens next.
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A
female
reader, philly123 +, writes (25 October 2010):
philly123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate since the last post. We have hung OUT (us 3) since. then He is in a bowling league and i joined too. She used to go with him every friday and so she tagged along with us. Not a problem. Then we went out after and they were talking the whole time so i was like ok im gonna do my own this and i danced with my other friends. So i get a text from her saying" Im watching you dance and i keep telling marc i love your girlfriend. I know shes Bi could she be hitting on me? I know he likes that really what guy dont? LOL Another the problem now is that i notice he talks in his sleep and i couldve swore i heard him talking about her i could be wrong also she posted on facebook that she was going to a sex demo and she asked what toy she should get? Rather then commenting her status he texted her "get something glass" now why in the world would he care what she bought. Am i being crazy now or what how would you feel??? I know i shouldnt be going through his phone but cant help it. Advice. please!!!!!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (7 October 2010):
I think you're right in your assumption of some jealousy. Even if she decided she didn't want to date him, she likely enjoyed the attention he gave her. It's always nice to have people to do things with. She also may have liked him more than she thought, and now seeing him happy with you has triggered that longing for something she can't have. There are people like that out there. They want what they can't have and when they get it, they don't want it anymore. She's one to be careful of but at the same time not to worry too much about. As long as your BF has moved past his infatuation you have nothing to worry about.
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A
female
reader, philly123 +, writes (7 October 2010):
philly123 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ chigirl i never asked her she just came out and told me. Thats why i want to know what her intensions are for telling me was she telling me to be honest or was she telling me to be spiteful? I dont deal well with people like her and im not confrontational
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A
female
reader, philly123 +, writes (7 October 2010):
philly123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys i talked to him about the situation again and i feel a little better. But i still dont know what her intensions were for telling me. I didnt ask she told me. Not sure why maybe to be spiteful. I personally think she is jealous because he does things with me that he used to do with her which is understandable but she needs to get over it.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (1 October 2010):
What chigirl said. The other two seem to have missed the fact that this friend and your BF never actually dated. He was infatuated with her and she shot him down. He was hurt and gave it time and then moved on. If anything, this should put you at ease a little. However, I think you are questioning if he ever actually got over her. That's a good question.
You need to sit him down, sober this time, and talk it over. Talk about his feelings for her in the past and if he was able to really move on. You can point to the FB stuff as an example of not moving on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): I think telling him that you don't want to come between them as friends but for now you would like both of you hang out less with her. He should be happy to do so out of respect for you. But you also need to not bring it up all the time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): I think you should have a rational conversation with your boyfriend about how uncomfortable you feel with her being around. You know he was in love with her, but then they had a big falling out and broke up, so why is he keeping her around when he has you? This is a big question that I think is worth asking. It sounds like you're uncomfortable with it, and your boyfriend should respect that, especially if you feel like you're sharing him with her. You shouldn't have to do that because he is your boyfriend.
As for the other woman's intentions in telling you all of this while he was out, that seems a bit sketchy to me, too, like she was trying to break you two up or to make you unhappy on your vacation. If she really was "Just friends" with him, I don't think her making a point of telling you this stuff would have been necessary for her.
So, talk to your boyfriend. If he refuses to think of something to help remedy the situation, you need to consider whether you want to continue being with someone who wants to have a third wheel lady friend with him all the time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): You are jelous right now, and you have all the rights experience these feelings. This is what you feel, nothing is wrong with that.Now, about that ex-girlfriend of your boyfriend. People fell out of love, u know, and they manage to stay friends sometimes after that. I personally know many people like that, i am one of them. Unless u see signs like glances or u have a definite feeling that there is romance in the air, u can relax. If you base your whole jelouse only on a fact that 'he was madly in love with her' don't do that. Thats pretty silly reason to be jelous, and it probably drives you nuts. That girl was pretty stupid or spitefull to tell u that he was 'madly in love with her'. What was her intention? may be to hurt you? Or just lack of manners? Who knows. About facebook;people just click different buttons there, thats what i think.I really don't pay that much attention to 'like' or other comments people post on my wall. I use to have more than 400 'friends', and now i am down to 26 people, who i really consider my friends or at least good aquiantances.That reallly mean nothing, people do a lot of things just out of boredom.I think your boyfriend is right. She was involved with him before he met you. end of story. Don't project things from your experiences. We all have different situations and we are all different people. Good luck
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 October 2010):
 Okay, you say you werent treated with the same "respect" when you told him about your past hook-ups. Well this wasn't a hook up. They never hooked up. He was in love, they fought, and then he moved on. Yes the timin wasn't that great when you were on vacation, but don't forget you were the one who had to ask... You could have just asked her when you came back home. She was only being honest!
Maybe you should take some time to really think about how you want to deal with this situation, as it is understandably quite uncomfortable when your boyfriend who you don't really know that well, is besties with a girl. You feel threathened by her. But, if they truly are great friends you shouldn't do anything to come between them. Maybe just say you are uncomfortable hanging out with her as much because the two of you don't get along, so that you wont end up at vacation again together.
PS. That vacation would have been odd for everyone, the worst pairing is one couple and then the third wheel... I bet all of you felt odd about it.
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