A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I been with my boyfriend for close to 3yrs there is a big age difference between us but I love him very much. Anyway about 1yr ago he cheated on me and got another woman pregnant that hurted my soul because although I'm older then he is it still hurts. My question is am I wrong because I don't want him to have nothing to do with the baby mama I'm not saying he shouldn't have nothing to do with the baby she is here now but I have a problem with him hanging around the baby mama he don't understand how it hurts me because he cheated on me with her. I'm to the point now if I'm going to stay or leave him I can't deal with him even talking to the girl if it aint got nothing to do with that baby. Am I being selfish
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female
reader, johnitha22 +, writes (23 July 2010):
No you are not selfish at all ...My boyfriend cheated on me and had a baby on me with his baby mama and i too do not want him to go over there at all even if it is to see his kid ... there are other ways to see your child you aint gotta be hanging around at her house in her face .... so no you are not selfish he messed up and he has to understand why u feel that way and he needs to respect that
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2010): NO. YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH. I have the same problem and I do not see the reason for them to be in touch. I completely understand where you are coming from
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female
reader, mischieviousangel916 +, writes (18 March 2010):
I feel bad for you.I would move on. I understand you love him, but if he felt the same the bitch or that kid would not be here. If he did it once, how do you know he is not going to do it again, let alone, with her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): I am sorry that this has happened. I was with my boyfriend almost eight years and didn't find out for almost 2yrs and when i did figure it out there was another on the way from the same chick. You are correct in saying the baby is here now.We have an understanding THERE IS TO BE NO CONTACT WITH HER OR I'M GONE! We were supposed to be married before she was impregnated by my husbands sperm(thats how i like to put it)HE COULDN'T FIND THE BALLS TO TELL ME. I know this hurts so bad i don't think it will ever heal the hole in my soul but what i do know is if he loves you and is not still having a relationship with her he will include you in everything just because she or they decided to have this baby does not give her rights to your man! If he wants to see the baby you and him should go together to pick the child up. This should be something she should have to deal with set the bounderies if he doesn't respect that i don't think he is done having a relationship with her. We are now married and going strong on our 13th year together. I made the chick have to deal with seeing me with the kids. she decided to do this so now she has to watch the kids love me call me mommy and cry when we bring them back to her house. GOOD LUCK!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): No I don't think that you are being selfish. He is the one that is selfish because he doesn't care about your feelings.If he did care, he would have never cheated in the first place, so keep your head up. It is common for you to feel that way
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): Hey
Well done for being so brave, I think your life will become better without this guy, the mother of his child is probably trying to work her way in with him, even if he says he goes just for the child.
Well done again, it must have taken a lot of strength to leave and I really hope you find happiness.
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell its been awhile since I been on here but I been going through some things. Anyway me and my boyfriend broke up because I see nothing was going to change. He claim he loves me and want to marry me but he is still playing games and with me. The woman he cheated on me and had the baby with basically took my place she got him an apartment in her name and she don't stay there, he goes to her house to eat, basically he started spending more time with her then he does with me. So I decided to back off and let them have each other, he claim he don't want her and he just go over there to visit his daughter, but I aint trying to hear that because all he is doing is lying. All I know I can't accept it nor deal with it anymore so I just left and I know I should have done it over a year ago when he first told me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): I like this response!
"A reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):
If he cheated and didn't even think enough of you to use a condom, what makes you think cares about your feelings now? You made the choice to take him back after he disrespected you and part of that decision is living with his baby and her mother in your life.
You should have left his ass a year ago. You'd probably be over him by now if you had."
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is addressed to the one who said I shouldn't be selfish with my man because baby mamas need love to. You are to funny, she can have all the love she need with her own man. I don't care if he's young or old its about respect abd that goes for a man and a woman. Maybe you don't understand that and you think this is a joke, but truthfully playing with other people feelings shouldn't be a game. But if you don't mine sharing then maybe you can share your man.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): You need to spread the love. Don't be selfish with your man. He's a young man. He has a new baby. Baby mama need love too, and not just green paper love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really enjoy all the advice because everybody is keeping it real and I need to hear that. I would have left him when he first told me about the girl but he begged me not to leave him and that I didn't have to worry about the girl he is only going to take care of the baby and I stayed, everything was cool until the baby came then things started to go all bad, the baby mama was questioning him who he with and doing all kinds of things that she shouldn't be doing plus she is giving him money, to me this girl is crazy. When I talk to him about it and tell him to let her know that aint cool and she needs to move on and from here on out she needs to respect are relationship he get offended and act like I'm trying to tell him how to deal with her I tell him its more of a respect thing. I was like you claim you had a one nite stand with this girl and the condom broke (yeah rite) and now this girl is basically ruining our relationship. What's so bad when she first had the baby she was calling him at mid night trying to get him to come over there with them she told him that somebody was breaking into the house trying to kill them but instead of calling the police she called him, she was lying but this is how she is but she claim she is so much off into church. I tell him all the time she is trying to be with you and she don't care you have a woman and all he say is I'm crazy. I know I can't deal with it no more and so lately I been putting some distance between us I think I'm just going to leave him. Again thanks for for all the advice
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (13 December 2009):
if he is phoning her for things that have nothing to do with the baby then you are right to be upset. I think she is trying to get him back so you and your man need to both tell her together that she should only call about the baby. Don't turn it into a fight. Just be decent about it. If your man tells her by himself, you won't really know the truth of what he said so tell her together. He will have to aceept this if he wants to be with you, otherwise just forget him.
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female
reader, Angzw +, writes (13 December 2009):
If he is your genuine partner, I would ask him to meet me half way and let me be present at some of the visits. That way, you know for sure that they are no longer together. I know its hard to even think of being in the same room as her, but if you want your man, and he wants his baby, then you have to make peace with her. Take the example of Will Smith and Jada; Jada doesnt stay up at night wondering about Will's ex because she made peace with her and as a result, can control the situation. Once baby mama sees that the guy wants you not her, she will move on faster and get her own man. Which means that some of the days you will be alone with your man and baby without another woman making you insecure. Make peace with the baby mama. Its not usual in our culture but it works. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer!!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): I really think you should let him go. you don't need this thorny relationship to continoue and you will be doing a decent act towards the girl and her baby. she will thank you for ever for it.obviously he is not a very decent guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really like al the advice I read so far. And I know he have to be civil with the baby mama, I never told him not to and I would be less then a real woman to tell him not to be there for his child. My problem with this is she call him on things that don't have anything to do with the child she call asking him where he at basically she is acting like she is with him. I feel the extra stuff that don't have anything to do with the well being of his child should be cut out. I know he have to be friends with her and I don't have an issue with his other baby mama actually her and I get along fine, its just this last one that push my buttons. Again thanks for all the responses to my question. Oh and to the one who let me know hurted wasn't a word thank you for the grammer lesson
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): If he cheated and didn't even think enough of you to use a condom, what makes you think cares about your feelings now? You made the choice to take him back after he disrespected you and part of that decision is living with his baby and her mother in your life.
You should have left his ass a year ago. You'd probably be over him by now if you had.
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female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (13 December 2009):
 I really feel for you hun. Of course it's going to hurt that he cheated on you, no matter what the age gap, that doesn't matter. It must hur even more that he got her pregnant and now he will have to have some sort of relationship with her for the sake of their child.
Think about why you stayed with him when you found out he cheated. Was it because it was a one off thing and he saw it as a mistake? Personally i could not stay with a man who cheated on me, it would be even harder if he got the woman pregnant. I think it is the greatest disrespect you can show anyone, I would move on. But if he has shown you that it was a mistake and really proven that to you then you can move on together. Be very honest about how you feel regarding his relationship with this other woman. If he wants to remain with you he must respect your wishes. They will have to communicate over their daughter and you will have to make sure you feel ok about this but you have a right to feel upset if he is spending any more time than is nessasary with this woman. Personally I'd worry if he's been with her before, and because they have a child together, I'd worry that something might happen again between them. But only you can be the judge of that. If you are sure he would not do that again and is only seeing her for the sake of the child then I wish you luck! Difficult situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): Hello
You've got to expect him to have time with her, for their childs sake they have to have a civil friendship and while he is with the child he should be polite and friendly to the mum. As the child grows up they will have to be friends and have birthday parties together etc... and their child cannot see them argue or ignore each other as it will cause her confusion.
But are you able to deal with this for the next 18 years while that child grows up? You must be a kind hearted person to find the strength to forgive their infidelity and especially the pain of knowing another woman was carrying his child. It isn't often people have such compassion, that is a good quality you have shown. But now you don't want them talking about anything other than the baby, which is tricky as they will have to maintain a friendship for that babies sake. He will be in this womans life the whole time he is in the childs life.
You did a great thing showing forgiveness to take him back, but now take time to consider your future and where you want to go in life. If he doesn't fit into your perfect future then he doesnt fit in now. Take Care.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (13 December 2009):
 How do you expect him to have a healthy relationship with his baby if he cannot have any interaction with the baby's mother?
He cheated on you, but the other girl is the one left holding the baby. If you honestly can't deal with him talking to the baby's mother and you see it as a deal breaker well, seems you need to leave, because he is going to have to communicate on a VERY regular basis with her for at least the next 25 years.
Do you want a hand to pack?
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