A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm still so doubtful of the future of my relationship. We had a lot of problems into the end of our first year together. And I broke up with him. But during the 2 month break he came to some realisations, and looked at his faults and decided he wanted to make changes to his lifestyle. Came to me and had a massive talk stating he intends to do whatever it takes to win me back and treat me the way I deserve to be treated.5 months on from this we are working at it. We've been some tough times, rebuilding trust that he previously broke, not cheating, but being secretive, not being open, being inappropriate with girls and inconsiderate. took me for granted. (because he was scared to show his heart after being broken previously)I didn't realise it would be so hard to rebuild trust. We are both working hard and talking constantly about any issue that arises. He says we must deal with every problem together. I've raised a lot of hard feelings, due to the way i was used to being treated prior break up. It's hard accepting his new ways, when I'm so cautious of his inconsiderate (naively?) disrespectful ways. If he had been like this first time, we'd be such a strong couple by now. I love him the way he is now. But but, those old niggling doubts keep chipping away. I've sounded jealous, paranoid, accusatory, told him I think he is weak and don't trust his judgement and feeds of females who are needy and flirty. I'm saying whatever problem is on my mind because I need to recondition myself to the new him. I think very carefully before I do raise concerns with him.But I tell him, I hate going through these emotions, I don't deserve to feel like this. Or want to be that girlfriend. But he has stuck by each emotion and discussion, pushing through, and never wavering in his determination to show me how much I mean to him. After each discussion, we both end up feeling better, and close again.But it's not easy. I always ask myself, will this get easier? (I want it to) How long do I try for. We do have a good time being together and complement eachother in many ways. It's just a shame this cloud of doubt floats over every so often and really rattles my cage, I could almost just say I'm done, and be done with it. From experience, does persistence in these instances pay off? or am i fighting a losing battle?We give each other plenty of space, have friends time, have jobs, have outside hobbies. I travel with work a lot, but we find time to Skype. But I find the relationship very intense still. His eye contact is constant, never wandering except if there is a movie or something on. He can read my thoughts and feelings like a book. I'm usually very good at disguising deep feelings, but he picks it up in an instant, if a bad thought enters my mind, he sees it before I have time to process it and asks me what's up. I've never experienced someone reading me like that!After this stage can we be happy and relaxed? and be stronger? or will resentment or other stuff start kicking in, will I ever feel complete trust again??
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2013): Well, now that we have a few more details I can assess that you are willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. You've made it clear to him that his gaining your trust back isn't going to be easy, and that will give him some incentive to stay on the right path; that is, if he loves you back.
We all have a right to redeem ourselves. We shouldn't be punished for the past while we are making an effort to fix what we've destroyed. Follow your heart, and leave at the first sign of relapse. He's a lucky guy if you want to stick with him.
We're not beating him up and demonizing him for being human. We only know one side of the story, and can only respond to your question based on what you've explained.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe never crossed the line as far as I am aware, but he was always dancing around stretching those boundaries. but he had been single for 7 years. Just getting drunk often with girls all night. Not really telling me he had plans, just went and did them, not including me enough. Enough to make me wonder WHY NOT.But this time around he is focussing on being open and honest with me, including me in all aspects of his life, cutting out his drinking and partying times. (i like to party but not til the next day with all my guy friends!) concentrating on improving himself as a person, rather than being stuck in this rut, friends click finger, he runs, he spends weekends hungover. This is all the old him. It is hard for me to know how he can make this new lifestyle changes and trust that this is really him, and he wont wander back to the old him.I even said to him, I worry you are just using these discussions to find out how I work, and you can use this to manipulate me, which is what both of you have said !! It's funny how you both considered he is possibly using it the wrong way. he said he isnt and it hurts to hear I think that.We do make quality time for each other, I feel it is a perfect amount, but I do wonder if it is not enough for him, and as you also say maybe he needs more, and previously he went searching for it in other ways rather than talk to me. But this time around, he is very open with how much he would like to see me. He wants to see me as much as he possibly can, whenever we both have a free evening. But yes, what if I am away for longer with work - how will I know he won't go seeking it. These are things I do address with him, but how will i really know until these situations happen. Do I want to wait? these doubts seep through often. But i do love him, if only I could trust his judgement and his ways of seeing to his needs more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): What exactly did your boyfriend do? Was it cheating? Or just a lot of flirting with other women? Did you catch him cheating? I have to speculate, and just pick up as much as I can. I sense he has been running around behind your back and you've discovered what he's been doing. Just realize that some men are only "sorry" they get caught. I also sense that you've forgiven him over and over; and you aren't giving the details, because you really want to feel your relationship will fix itself. Betrayal is hard to get over. A man with a bad track record is hard to forgive. Even if he can plead a most convincing case for himself.Repeat offenders of infidelity get really good at manipulating their partners. They know if they seem pitiful enough, and if their mate is desperate enough, they'll get off with a slap on the wrist. You broke up, but you went back to him. Now the relationship is strained and you've lost trust. The truth is, you haven't only lost trust, you've lost hope because you know what he's capable of. He can't read your mind, only your emotions. Sadness is not really that easy to hide.Some men have to realize that abuse isn't only physical, it's also emotional. He doesn't realize how badly he has hurt you. So I can only presume that the wound is pretty deep. You're in for a long ride back to trusting him. His reassurance hasn't been affective, because I bet he has chased other women a lot! This is hurtful and disrespectful. You just don't have the strength and the courage to let him go.Telling people to give up on each other, without knowing either of them, is over-stepping it. I will advise you to do what will make you happy and give you your life back.
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A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (12 March 2013):
 Five months is still a short time to regain complete trust. Yes, you can rebuild trust, but it does take time often more time than people think. Everyone has a different time line and you don't mention specifically what you went through in terms of his crimes in the past. Reading between the lines, it seems he was inappropriate with women.
Have you determined why he strayed?
Many men flirt with women because there is something missing in their relationship -- usually intimacy. It sounds like you may be TOO far apart and he wanted more.
Also, make sure you are really meant to be. Some men can be very good at reading women and can be manipulative through non-verbal and verbal ways. The fact that you've never met anyone like him could me he completely understands you -- or -- he knows how to play you.
I hope you go over what happened in your relationship and what you two have done to make sure it doesn't happen. Are you closer? Do you share more time with one another? Are you passionate about each other's lives?
Some sins and hurt can never be forgotten but the first part in getting over it is to FORGIVE him. Once you've truly forgiven him, I believe you'll find a sense of relief. Right now, you are still holding back and you'll be free of fear once you let it go and know in your heart he is the one for you. If that's not possible, you'll never be truly free and happy. I believe only you will know when to take that next step.
Eddie
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