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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I've been living with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. A few months ago, I found out that he got his officemate pregnant.She was on her 5th month that time. I know that this is mainly my guys fault, but I found out that the girl knew all along that I'm living with my boyfriend. So knowing I exist, she still chose to mess around with my guy. They are both claiming that they never had a relationship and this is just really a casual thing. (I sat down with themwhen she's on her 7th month but not a lot has been discussed) This fact made me devastated, angry and bitter at the same time. I don't understand why there are people who likes messing around with someoneelse's guy/girl. Anyway, my BF and I still decided to work things out. It's been a rollercoaster ride and it's been 6 months now.I'm still uncomfortable everytime my BF has to go to her place to visit the kid. He spends 2 days/9hrs each visit per week. I'm not comfortable with the fact that they had to be in the same room especially since this girl is still not over my BF. She's still hoping that they can be a "conventional family" and would drop hints that she's available for sex anytime. My BF told me that this girl once told herthat if ever this kid would have a sibling, she doesn't want any other guy for a Father. And just recently, she told my BF that she's "SAFE" (apparently, a woman who just gave birth is safe for 3 months?,I don't really know but that's what she told her and since she's a nurse then I think he believed her) - He swears that he doesn't wantto have anything to do with her and SEX is the last thing on his mind right now. Plus, he knows that if he do so, he will forever lose me and would be more likely to be with the girl if got her pregnant again.It doesn't get easier since the baby is still so young. They are planning to get this baby baptized next month - so I would have to also prepare for that emotional day again. I also just saw a picture of them together in one of their officemate's facebookaccount and it ticked me off. Is is outrageous if I ask my BF not to let people take pictures of them together? Especially with his upcoming baptism, I think a lot would be attending and they will be asked to pose for the camera as a a family. Am I over-reacting? Or can I ask my BF not to oblige to picture-taking scenarios?My boyfriend just recently told his family about this situation. They don't really want to meddle in his personal happiness(our relationship) but they would like him to care and love his baby since the kid didn't asked to be born like this. (which I clearly understand). Over the years, I became close to his family as well, but they didn't know or atleast, we never told them bluntly that we're living together until last week.Now, I'm kind of concerned and feeling uneasy with how this would put more strain in our relationship. We we're hoping for the best when we decided totell his parents, but now It seemed ike the plan backfired and I feel threatened and concerned that they will now view me as a homewrecker and that I'm not good enough for my Boyfriend. Especially since his mom expressed a serious intent to see the kid and to meet this girl. His mom evencried out of empathy for the girl (since she knows how hard it is for mother to care for the kid when the father is not around as my BF's dad used to workabroad). My BF told me that he would not do the things that we do with his family together with kid and baby mama and won't allow her to his parents house - what they would do is probably take out his family, this kid and the girl so they can meet each other, but in the future if in case, it would be just him, the kid and his family - but what if his family invites this girl to out of town trips and to their home? Are my concerns valid or do I over thinkthings?I don't know if its a good idea, but I was hoping that the 3 of us could sit down and talk again about how we can work things out - at times, I feel like the girl resents me and she hates me as if I'm the one who did her wrong. I'd like to be able to make peace with her, say sorry if I offended her and tellher that I'm trying to do what I can to completely forgive her. I'm hoping that we can all just be civil about each other and just truly care for what'sgood for the kid and not try to outplay each other in who gets the guy in the end.I'd appreciate objective and mature comments :) Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): I was a similiar situation a year and a half ago. My boyfriend of four years-and known him for eight! went on an out of state business training seminar for three weeks and got another woman pregnant in that time frame. For months he treated me like crap and we thought we could get through it or shall I say "I" thought we could get through it. Well he called me one day said it was over and moved out of state to be with her. I was devasted for months...but you know what? Time heals. I recently got a text stating "sorry"-isnt that a laugh?! It was a tough time to get through. His friends tell me he is still with her and he basically does everything for this child and the mother is lazy and mothering skills are less than optimal. Yes her child has a father and she has a slave. I wanted the same with him but actually he opened my eyes to know that he wasnt that great of a man. You sound like you have have a lot of class and on the outside you are displaying courage, but inside its very painful. My advice is to walk away. Apparently this woman wants him as a F/T father and the time they spend together is questionable. I know its easier said than done...but cut your losses. Its not worth the pain and you will regret the time you spent feeling lousy over the situation. Your "man" should be ashamed of himself if he had a bit of self respect for himself or you...and from what it sounds like...I dont think so. Good luck and I hope you get through this difficult time in your life.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (25 February 2010):
 Stop asking him to take pictures to prove where he is. That's a bit too controlling and will do nothing except push him into the other woman's arms.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010): My goodness. It is nice that you have such overwhelming support from so many people. You are being commended on your ability to stay in a relationship with someone who is not interested in you in a way a partner should be. People make mistakes, cheating isn't a mistake, it's a conscious decision. It is clear you are losing ground with everyone in the situation. Get out. ASAP. This is a downhill spiral, and it's better to be the "one that got away" than the ball and chain that would never come off. Your boyfriend is a coward, and you are too if you don't leave. Have poise, confidence, and strength to get out, not remain. The fact that you are posting here shows that either you need people to recognize you or you are extremely unsure of your choice. You cannot be afraid of losing someone who is willing to risk losing you. Say goodbye, move on, and let him sort out who he wants to get pregnant next (ideally not you).
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female
reader, gcruz  +, writes (10 February 2010):
 Omg honey I'm so sorry for this incident that happened to you. Under such condition you have been put through I find you have acted as a pure lady.
As to your situation I agree with everyone here I see the aspects of all. If you really can't leave him you should start going with him to visit his child bc we all know they don't need ANY time alone. Let her know that you're not going no where so she can kiss her hopes goodbye. Don't back down to her and believe she's the victim! No need to apologize to her she is the complete skank and don't give her the satisfaction of letting her know you feel bad for her.
But what I suggest is if you serious can you should leave you're still young and you thank God you don't have kids with him (if you don't) and that you're not married!! You can walk away with clean hands.
Oh and the person before is right about the safe period. You are the most fertile after you have a baby lol maybe that's why the doctor says no sex for 6 weeks I'm not too sure but it is too common people getting pregnant again within 3 months.
Just be careful hon and I wish the best best BEST of luck to you love!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): I appreciate all your comments. Thank you so much. I know that this whole thing is stressful and now, the girl's family are starting to ask if they will get married soon - knowing the fact that I'm still with my b/f - the girl's mom had the guts to ask.. I sometimes feel sorry for myself as well but I really love him and I'm still hoping that things will get better. I'm still worried that one day, I'll be the one that will be left out. Honestly, the thought of them being in the same room is really uncomfortable, but then I'm also getting tired of bringing up the topic with my b/f as it only causes further stress and strain to our relationship - is this a bad thing? I know a lot of people are thinking that I'm crazy and that I'm obssesed, but I guess I just love this guy unconditionally. His family has been really nice to me all throughout, but now that this whole thing is out in the open, I'm concerned that things will change. I do impose some rules as well, like number of visit per week, hours spent, he will be quitting his job as well to avoid unecessary communication with the girl. I call him and text him whenever he's there and I ask him to take pictures of his whereabouts - however, I feel like I'm being too controlling and I'm afraid that instead of doing our relationship good, this will just make him feel like he has 2 mothers now! This might be too much for him as well, on a guys point of view, this could be stressful as well right? SO if you were a guy and got someone pregnant wouldn't you do the same thing? I'm not trying to defend my guy but I also want to view this on his perspective and I sometimes try to put myself in the girl's shoes as well. Oh well, my thoughts are all mixed up, but again, thank you all for taking the time out to respond. :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): "He spends 2 days/9hrs each visit per week" what is he doing there for so long. holding his lover while the baby sleeps?? this man is up to no good. he fooled you once, you know he is fooling you again.this is the beginning of the end for you. i am sorry to be blunt but please try to be realistic. this man is slowing worming his way into his lovers life permanently. he will enjoy having YOU on the side while he plays happy family with his lover. these two are bonding and slowly becoming a family. Kick him out of your life before he messes with your head even more. you deserve better- whether you believe it , i do not know.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): She wasn't with you, he was....IT'S ALL HIS FAULT. He shoved his penis in her and went with it, no matter what her intensions were. It takes 2 to tango, and he's been polishing more than just his dance shoes, so don't feel sorry for him, and don't think that he respects you at all, because he obviously doesn't. Let him know that he should act like a father to the child, and leave him completely, so he does. It's never too late to forgive someone, but it is too late for him to not be a parent.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): All your concerns are valid. And I am still surprised that you have worked things out with the boyfriend and stay mad at the girl.
He's the one in the committed relationship. Not her. And he chose to break it. After that he chose to stick by her and assume its his baby. You only came to know much later.
You are not married to him. There are no other children to muddy waters here... so why not move out?
The child is already a part of his family's life. What happened to everyone's feelings for you?
Anyone who's think from your corner would think you are in a bad place. Fact is that your man cheated. And had made a lifelong commitment now to someone who's not your child.
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female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (9 February 2010):
 What a special person you are, ... and what a twit your boyfriend is to risk losing you.
I think you need to insist your man enforce a few things tho because you don't deserve to continue suffering after all you have graciously put up with.
First of all I would be addressing this visiting her house to see his child business. The right thing to do to not give you anxiety twice a week is to obtain access to his child elsewhere than at the house of a woman who is clearly wanting to get her claws in to him. Is there some reason he can't pick the child up and return her later, ...perhaps spend time with the baby (or even you and the baby) elsewhere, ... even have the baby stay overnight? I would not accept the mothers objection (if any) on this either - even if it means a court ordered arrangement if she wont come to the party.
He also should speak to his family and request some boundaries about this other woman. I am certainly not saying they should not know his babies mother, but he should make it clear that you are the woman in his life and that to respect him, they need to respect you. This means inviting you out with him and the child, ... not just her, ... maintaing a good relationship with you not just focusing on the baby mamma, ... and having a bit of empathy for the position you have been put in and not just having tears for this other woman. She is the one attempting to be the home wrecker - not you!
If you have not already, explain to your guy how it makes you feel, and how you need that reassurance that your feelings are being respected and considered, ..and how he CAN manage to accomodate everyone here if he cares enough to do it. Don't let yourself get relegated last all of the time, .. you are already being more than accepting, but there needs to be some limits to what you should have to put up with.
Good luck with it all :-) xxx
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 February 2010):
mmmmm.... Don't ask for them not to have pictures together, it will make you look jealous and small.
Also, women can't steal men, men decide to be unfaithful and stray. If he loves you, she won't be able to catch him again, he made a mistake, and he'll be careful not to let you down again.
If you want to find a proper space for yourself in this relationship, then you and him have to be a team, and come together as a double package. There is no reason why she should ever be alone. At the christening he should stay close by your side, and if they need pictures, then you should be included because you and him are a couple. You put so much attention on her and what she is doing. Your focus is all wrong. It's you and him you should focus on. What when wrong, why did he stray? How much do you mean to him, and why did you wait to get to know his family? Now things have changed, if your going to stay together you need to push yourself forward a bit to be seen as the main woman in his life, so this woman and her baby can't push you aside.
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male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (9 February 2010):
 You are really too civilized, rarer of the rearrest person !!! You also say,'I'd appreciate objective and mature comments" great-triple time.
I hope your b/f would have the same one quality of high profile personality. Anyway, I got the impression from your writing that you love him unconditionally. I am sure, love has the power to direct human life, which you possess quite dearly.
I feel, you do not need any mature comment, because you yourself is high idealization of civilized mind. We {I} learn great many point from your post.
I love to say you thanks.
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female
reader, patient66  +, writes (9 February 2010):
I dont know how you are doing this. They anxiety of this would prob kill me. Its great that you are thinking of this child first, many people forget this.
Now I am going to have to say that a women who has a child by someone who is attached usually does try to get the man, to be a family.
I think you are going to feel left out once his parents meet her. Because their grandchild is very important usually in the grandparents life. unforunatly that includes her too.
Sounds like you intend to stay so, What I would do is you and your bf should act as a team. which sounds like you are already but.... why dont you join them in their activities. I know the child might need some alone time with daddy and thats fine. but if trips happen or even go with him to some visits. The child needs to get use to you too because you are part of the family. This way you can also secure your spot and hopefully its not taken from you. Be in the pictures if you can again you are part of this, your his other half.
I would understand feeling threatened in this too!I personally couldnt do this like you say in your letter here you feel threatened,jealous the anxiety over this. It might be best to leave for yourself. but if you stay I hope this helps, I dont want to make things worse.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 February 2010):
The truth is you are just too good for this guy. You really are. Even after all that you've said and been through, he still allows himself to be photographed, and she has said that it's safe to have sex, so she is still interested. The blunt truth is you are now not even second best. You're third. His child with this other woman will be first, and since he has to pay for the child, he will have to contribute towards her as well. So she gets to be second. You get third place. His family at some point will want to meet the baby, and no doubt want to be the mother. This other woman has made it clear she is out to get your boyfriend. My advice is to let her have him and find a better guy. Don't be third best.
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female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (9 February 2010):
 OMG!! I am so impressed by the mature and calm way you have written your post. You sound like a wonderful person and a great catch!
I am sorry to say but I would kick your b/f into touch. I would leave my job and leave him. I cannot think that being confronted with this on a daily basis at home and at work could be a tolerable or tenable situation for anyone. Your b/f has behaved appallingly. Really it is time to move on. This happened with my best friend. Her husband got someone pregnant. The husband goes to see the kid all the time and sometimes stays overnight and it has got WORSE the older the child has become. Now it walks and talks and my friend says it just gets worse. She has not left her husband because the house is in her name and he would take half of it and she has no other money but boy does she hate him. This situation is just going to get worse and worse not better. His parents are going to become involved, he is going to stay away more and the mother of the child is going to become even more demanding thinking she has some leverage over him. By the way there is no 'safe' period, you are more fertile than ever when you have just had a baby as the body is attuned to being pregnant. Kick this whole sorry business into touch. You are clearly bright and articulate get rid of this dross!
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female
reader, teenibopper +, writes (9 February 2010):
Not offend her if you did? Hun, this guy cheated on you, got another girl pregnant, is now battling with this girl because she still wants him, and now his parents want to meet the baby and the other woman, and you're afraid that you offended her? She's the homewrecker. You were there first, you should be the one recieving the empathy. I'm glad you're working things out with the guy but the fact that he's got another girl pregnant and she's still trying to get with him should send up a huge red flag. He did it once, he could do it again. But talk to them again and try to make things better. And with the parents, just try to not sound too bitter about the baby. Because like you said, it's not the babys fault.
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