A
female
age
41-50,
*uessenator
writes:I have a serious issue,my bofriend and I have been together exclusively for18mon,but we been messing around off and on for 8yrs.he has a son and daughter from previous relationship,also inappropriate talkin between them tomuch contact!he's crazy about the little girl!ifound out the little girl is not really his but he nevr told the little girl told me and he new this since she was 2mon.well he does everything for her and it pisses me. Off we have a 7mon old son.the little girls father just came around her 2years ago but she calls him dad but I'm mad because why can't her real father go pick up her report cards take her to the doctors or put her on his insurance or cell phone plan?its so much deeper than this but I can't write it all,I intend to tell him either he stop takin full responsibity for her or we're over.he can do whatever he needs to for his son with her but him buying her 400dollar video games taking her to doctors and everything else should be over he has another family now she has a dad why can't her mom take off work sometimes? His only main job is to do for his son with her and our son! and also he wants us to get married in sept!I can't deal with this do you think I'm wrong? Oh and he been takin care of her since she was 6mon cause her father wasn't around and she was supposed to be his but the test proved he wasn't he's a good person for doing that but most of his world revloves around her he met me at the hospital when I had our son just so he can go get her I really have an issue with this she's not even his real daughter, what should I say to him? I have said a lot to him about it but now there will be an altimatom
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2008): Wow, that was quiet a rant, but it's very good honey, you need to get your feelings off your chest. It's a bit difficult to read, but I can feel and hear your frustration and can understand that you just don't feel it's fair the way he puts her above everyone else.
There are four kids in this situation, your son from a previous relationship (14) his son (1O) her daughter (10) and your youngest son together (months old). I may have got the ages wrong.
How do the kids get on together, are they friends, do you bring them up like brother's and sisters?
I think the reason why he treats her special is because she is a little girl and the other kids are boys. Sometimes there is a special relationships between girls and their "father's". He thinks she's innocent and vulnerable maybe, especially since her father doesn't want her and her mother doesn't seem to do enough for her, as you've made clear. Boys can seem more tough, less needy than little girls, and that might be the situation here.
It's good that you let out all your frustration, and here is the best place to do it, because they can't hear you and they can't judge you. We are all strangers, you've asked for help, but at the end of the day if we don't like you or judge you, you don't care, you can walk away. I don't want you to sound like the jealous, wicked stepmother, so we have to find a way to work this out.
We have to stop making this little girl the issue, that sounds selfish and jealous and shows you in a bad light. Instead we need to include the boys and his relationship with them. We need you to point out that by spending all his time, his money and his attention on this girl, he is leaving all the boys out. Can you start thinking of all the children as one big happy family. If one gets a toy, all should get toys. If one has insurance, than all should have insurance. Not just your boys (including your child from another partner) but his other son as well. Tell him favouritism in a family causes jealousy and resentment and you are thinking of the welfare of all the children.
Tell him he must act like a man with many wives, but he is a man with many children. He cannot favour one and let the rest suffer, he must treat them all the same. Will this work honey, can you keep your temper and make this an issue about his behaviour to all the children, rather than focusing on just this little girl. Forget about her parentage, forget about her biological father. You will get further if you make the issue about all the children and their needs than just focusing on her.
A
female
reader, suessenator +, writes (6 November 2008):
suessenator is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk thank you to all who replied to my question.let me clear things up a bit,for the person who said I must have already new this before I had a child with hin, that's incorrect.me and him met in2000 we were involved but nothin serious,it continued to be an off and on thing but that was it.in 05 we were on again and that's when he said somethin about the little girl.I said I remember you having a son not a daughter,he said oh yeah well I have a daughter to.and I believed she was his until after I had our son, one day the little girl came to my house and she's the one that told me he's not really her dad she just calls him that.I was very upset because my reaction would have been a little different if he would have told me,the perfect time would have been when I said I don't remember anything about a daughter,then he should have said well she's not biologically mine but I take care of her like she is I would have felt better.but he went a little out of his way to make me believe she was his
.then I thought back to how he didn't go to the hospital with me when I had our son, he met me there because he wanted to pick her up!and u think I shouldn't be upset?but this story is so much deeper,her older brother is his real child I have no issue with him doing everything for him.but he picks up her report cards she's on his insurance and cell phone plan.one of my main issues is that from the begining when he first found out she wasn't his which was when she was 2mons he should have accepted her as his step-child, because him and her mother got back together shortly after he found out she wasn't his and he could have still treated as she was his.he said her real dad didn't want nothin to do with her when he found out she was his,but when he decided to come around her 2yrs ago after 8yrs of not being around her mom let him in her life so obviously she wanted the real dad in her life so why can't he now take some responsibilty?that's what I'm sayin.like I said me and him just decided to become serious 18mon ago and I just found this out like 4mon ago.he made a comment to me before. Saying about his biological son with her mom"I love my son but I'm crazy about my daughter"so now that I know the truth it pisses me off!I'm not sayin he shouldn't love the little girl but damn he's takin it to another level.and everytime I turn around he's talkin to her mom and it's not always about the kids not to mention their son is 14yrs so he can most of the time talk directly with him.also my 10yr son which is not his and the little girl go to the same school,how crazy is that?school meetings he's there with her playin this role having all her teachers think he's her real dad.so I'm also at the school but were seperate I'm with my son he's with her and her mom! Where the hell is her father? Also I was very upset when he told me the little girl knew I was scheduled to have a c-section on the day I had my son so she told him she wants to spend the night with him,so instead of him stayin with me and our new son he left the hospital so she can stay a couple of nights with him! U still think I'm being selfish? Her mother should have told her no!!! If I would've known she wasn't his daughter in the begining and see the way he acts over her I would not be in this situation.I would already have seen this coming.like I said I just recently found this out!one last thing to show u what I'm dealing with!he was his son's basketball coach shortly after I had our son and I seen a messg he sent to the mother telling her that I was bringing our son to one of their son's game,her response was why? And I shouldn't be mad? Why is she sayin why am I bringing our son to her son's game when he's the coach and he's in a relationship with me!she has a lot of nerve he takes care of her daughter!!!!that's not his she should never question him about me bringing our son anywhere her son is because her son is my son's brother! So anywhere his dad is he can come even if it's her son's game they share a father! I should be askin her why can't she ever take her own daughter to the dentist,doctor,pick up report cards or get her real father to do some of it! I'm not sayin he shouldn't be involved at all,but sure enough he should make sure he takes care of home first and his son with the girls mother.
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female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (6 November 2008):
 This is a very tough situation and rather difficult to understand all the details as your writing is very garbled and unclear. I do believe from what I can garner from your post that he should be in this little girls life. She thought of him as her father for many years, even if he knew he wasnt her actual dad. He is a very significant person in her life and you should not try to take him away from her. However, I do understand you wanting to put some limits on this. The mother and the real dad should be pitching in both in time (going to the doctor) and money(insurance, cell phone). There is no reason that your mate should be spending $400 on a video game system for her! That is over the top! But you do need to accept that he is and will always be a significant person in her life. And the thing is, dear, you had to have known all this before you became involved with him. You say you have known him for 8 years and have been exclusive for 18 months. Surly you knew about all this before you decided to become exclusive and to have a child with this man! If it bothered you so much you should not have become so involved!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2008): Your a jealous woman and you are very possessive. If you can't stand the fact that this wonderful man can love somebody else's child, you and your child at the same time, I am very worried for the future of your son. He loves this little girl, even though he's not her biological father, for years he thought he was. You may be able to switch love on and off, but he can't. When he loves something, he loves it, and he can't just walk away. I wonder what will happen when you and him break up. Will you tell your new partner that he's not allowed to love your son because he's not their father. Your partner is as good as a stepfather to this little kid, by making an ultimatum, by saying it's you (not your son, because he doesn't care) or this little girl, you are being very, very silly. An adult that fights with a child over love will always loose. Leave him, that's the best answer, because even if he gives this child up, he will be unhappy and he will always blame you.
I like all kids. If my partner was involved with a child from a past relationship, I would be so happy, because it would give me evidence that I'm with a man who loves kids as much as me. Leave him and find somebody who doesn't like kids very much and then you'll be happy. Hopefully he'll love your son in the same way he loves this little girl.
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A
male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (6 November 2008):
 Well its difficult now since he has allready gotten very much involved looking after the girl. The girl is emotionaly dependant on your husband now. I do understand that this frustrates you. Its natural that you are feeling like that. You should ask him why is he showing such dominearing interest in her??, since he is not even the farther. He seems to be completly spoiling her, which is a bit strange. I could understand him looking after her because he feels maybe a bit sorry for her but however buying video games for 400 dollars! wow that really seems over the top. He should defenitly consintrate on looking after his own sun more. He should continue looking after the girl but not as much and its not his job to buy her expensive presents. You must talk to him exactly how you feel.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2008): Do i think you are wrong? YES!!!! your bloke sounds like a good man, He obviously loves this little girl as his own and if her real dad doesn't really bother with her then she is very lucky to have your bloke in her life!
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