A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Please help me... It's a long story but I'll try to make it short, my boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 3 years, and he is extremely jealous, he says he wasn't like this before and I destroyed his trust in me and made him a paranoid jealous person. During the first year of our relationship I was involved in a huge project in college, a guy that was in the same project with me started getting close and eventually we started to text each other almost every day, I was (and probably still am) very naive and didn't realize he was hitting on me.The thing is that my boyfriend did realize, and he tried to make me see what was happening. I didn't hear him and always told him that it was impossible for him to be romantically interested in me because he was too old and almost out of college. I was 17 at the time and the guy was 23, in my head it was not plausible, I didn't see him that way, I just saw him as friend. (And my bf was 18) Well, eventually I realize what he wanted and cut contact with the guy, but my boyfriend was very hurt, both because I never paid attention to him when he tried to open my eyes during a whole year and because I made him feel unimportant in my life. I tried a lot of things to make him feel better and regain his trust, now I ask for his opinion more often and listen to him, I'm more perceptive about guys and more careful, I feel very guilty for what I've done, but my bf is driving me crazy with his jealousy. He asked me to tell him everything related to me that involves males, I agreed, but it was a wrong move... Now if a male teacher sends a mail to the whole class and I forget to tell my bf a huge fight awaits me.Right now he's mad because on Friday I was assigned a homework that can be done in groups of 3, originally I was with another girl, but later that day we spoke and she told me that a guy texted her asking if he could be in the group with us, she didn't like the idea because she doesn't know him so we decided that only the two of us would do the homework. I casually told my bf about this today Saturday, and he got mad because I told him too late and he's saying I broke my promise of telling him about males. We got in a fight and we both said awful thing to each other, I said worse things and I regret them. I really didn't think that it was something relevant to say, it didn't involve me with a guy, just an hypothetical situation that didn't happen. Along with the awful things, I said this. I don't know what to do... I love him and I want to help him, what can I do? How can I correct my mistakes and help him become less jealous?, I love him so much and he loves me too, he has told me he hates to be this jealous... Please, help us...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2013): The OP didn't emotionally cheat on her boyfriend if she only saw the other guy as a friend! My boyfriend always thinks my male friends want to be more than friends with me, but he is very rarely correct. He thinks that because he is attracted to me, all other guys must be too which is of course ridiculous! Even the one guy who did like me as more than a friend, when I told my boyfriend he said 'see I told you' and that was the end of it. Because he trusts me. Your boyfriend does not trust you, and is continually punishing you for something you did in the past which in all honesty, isn't even a big deal! This behaviour needs to stop OP, so you need to explain to your boyfriend that he needs to learn to trust you and work on his jealousy issues or your relationship doesn't have a future. Everyone needs reassurance in a relationship now and again, but this is too extreme. He can't know everything about who you speak to all the time, it's not normal or healthy and it will eventually ruin the love between you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2013): No harm in not realizing someone is flirting with you??? Of course there is!
It sounds like it went on for a long time...can u imagine if you knew a woman was flirting with your man for that long a time and he simply ignored you and kept talking to her? Its a miracle he stayed with you through all of that. You basically cheated on him emotionally..
Now he has some serious scars but that doesnt mean u have to suffer forever. Lets be real for a moment and admit you enjoyed the attention at the time you were getting it. No 17 year old is that oblivious to the primal instincts of flirting.
you need to have a serious conversation with him because your relationship depends on it.
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (4 August 2013):
 Hi,
Your boyfriend was right about the first guy and you were wrong/naive but i think you have acknowledged that and you have learned so both of you now need to make it a thing of the past. Don't let it affect your future. How i see it is that your boyfriend need your help to stop his now controlling addiction. Both of you are growing up together both in love and life and since you love each other now is the time to learn what works and doesn't work in a relationship. Talk to him about it the number one thing you need to make him see and needs to stop is him wanting to know everything related to you that involves a guy that will only fuel his jealousy unnecessary and again he shouldn't even expect you to do that it is wrong. I have been married for more than four years now and i don't tell my husband such and he doesn't care to know.
All the best dear.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 August 2013):
 SLAP, SLAP, SLAP! Now listen here!
You were a naïve, dumb, unaware girl on the brink of womanhood when you were totally oblivious to an older guy hitting on you. So, you boyfriend tried to point it out, and you either ignored his advice or pooh pooh-ed it. Totally understandable. We have, all of us, been in a similar situation at some time of our lives, sometimes we learn from the experience the first time and sometimes we need to experience again before it sinks in. There is no crime in not recognising if somebody is flirting with us, or hitting on us.
Your boyfriend's reaction at the time was also understandable, it must have been a frustrating time for him trying to get you to see the other guy's actions for what they were.
But his actions since, well, they are totally unacceptable, TOTALLY!
You need to nip this in the bud now, what a horrible edict for him to place on you, if you continue to allow him to control your life like this I see only grief at the end of it.
Sit him down, tell him he is being unreasonable, tell him your promise was made when you did not have a full understanding of how it would impact on your life, tell him you are rescinding the agreement, and it is up to him if he accepts or not. Don't let him bully you any more, walk away from him if you have to, you do not need this level of control in your life, even a husband can not do this to his wife, so he shouldn't either!
good luck, I think you'll need it to get this message through his thick head!
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