A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend (27) and I have been together for 3 months, and only recently I'm starting to see how he gets treated by his family. He is the kind of guy who is too nice, the one who will do whatever he can to not upset or offend anybody, and because of his good nature, people walk all over him. He has started answering back more because of my advice I have been giving him, but it seems to be getting worse. He lives with his mother, who suffers with depression, and she doesnt work as she is unwell. He has 2 other brothers, the eldest has moved out with his fiance and the youngest, has pretty much moved out as he stays with his girlfriend constantly and barely comes home. Because his younger brother doesnt work because he is lazy and "cant find work", he has been covering his rent too on the house. So for the past year he has been paying double the rent to help his brother out. Except his brother is just sitting back and pretends to their mum he is looking for work. They have had so many rows over this, but his mother always takes the youngest's side. She is also the kind of woman who enjoys taking the mic out of her sons, but with my boyfriend she seems to mock him more. She'll embarrass him in front of me, like how he does things wrong when cooking instead of trying to show him, and things like he is "scrawny and has no muscle", and just childish mean things. And I can see in his eyes hes upset. Because he has been on his youngest brothers case about finding work he tells his mum he doesn't wanna come over cos hes sick of his brother being on his case about money. So now, my boyfriend has been told to not mention anything about money to him! Then gets told he needs to watch his money more, because every now and again he buys me flowers (says his older brother)! So not only does he get used and abused for paying all this money, they try telling him how to save his money! His mother has even mentioned she wants to kill herself when her sons all leave home, cos she is sick of them all arguing and is only a reflection of how much she has failed as a mum...Which leaves my boyfriend feeling trapped that he cant move on.. cos hes scared of what she will do. What can I do to help him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. In regards to him moving out, he feels like he cant because his mother will be left all alone. His brothers are not going to help, especially the youngest, so he feels trapped. Hes working more hours to cover both his rent and his brothers, so if he leaves, his mother, she will be left with a whole house to run. Unless she goes for a smaller place. But even then, with the money she is on fro her sickness, its not enough for her to cover a place on her own. So she has her kids trapped, because they know she cant survive alone. She has nobody but her sons. So you can see why shes so dependent on them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2016): Brilliantly said WiseOwlE! I'd just want to add - maybe you could encourage him to move out and live on his own. He can help out his family in his own way but it won't be up to him to get rent on the table. Whatever his mother says she knows it's normal to have her 27 yr old son move out. She might kick up a fuss but she knows there's really nothing wrong with that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2016): Just to add. Your boyfriend's kindness and decency makes his family feel like losers. So they aren't very nice to him.
Don't change that side of him, because that is good character. The cowardly part comes from allowing them to walk over him, and talk trash in-front of you. That's where he has to be a man; and shove it down their gizzards!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2016): Your boyfriend needs to man-up and grow a backbone. He shouldn't have to take lessons on how to be a man from his girlfriend. He's not being too nice, he being a coward.
You really shouldn't get too involved in his family business and maintain a neutral-stance. He's a grown-man, and should know how to handle his family and his money. If they pick on him, it's up to him to stand his ground and handle things like an adult. As long as he doesn't, they will treat him like a boy.
Just a little advice for you. Sometimes it's not as bad as it looks from the outside looking in. Dysfunctional families tend to be very dramatic. Being an onlooker, you see things you don't like; and will only stir-up more trouble by giving your two-cents.
Your boyfriend is well-conditioned and very used to his family's bad-behavior. It hasn't killed him, or put him in a mental institution. He's used to it.
His brothers are grown-up and pretty much dispersed. Their mother is laying guilt-trips on them; and in her awkward cruel way, trying to toughen him up. She's not going to commit suicide; she's playing her mother's-guilt card. She's being a total drama-queen, and they all know it.
Your boyfriend has a tolerance to his family's meanness to some degree. He gets his feelings hurt, but it is also creating scars and callouses where they beat-up on him.
One day he'll become very numb. That will be their fault.
"A fool and his money are soon parted, according to the Proverbs of Solomon. He'll start to miss his hard-earned money exchanged for abuse and disrespect. Leave it up to him to grow out of it. Support him, don't be his puppet-master. If he's able to take it, don't interfere. One day the fountain will dry-up, and they'll drive him far away from them.
They have to lose him to appreciate how sweet and generous he is. He does what he does from the heart, so at this point it is all unconditional. He doesn't have to accept the disrespect from any of them. That's up to him to resolve as a man.
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