A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I live whith my bf at his place, he can be 2 different people sometimes, one nice warm and kind the other not so. We have been together for about 3 years but when I ask about being more committed to each other he gets angry . I want children and he dosent ever!!. It is a sort of open relationship and sometimes he tells me to stay or if not I go out to a friends place.I just want him and me to be together happy (just us)for ever but no matter what I do somedays I cant make him happy. He says that Im puting him under too much pressure. All I feel i am to him is extra sex. One of his g/f's is really nice and we get along Ok and we go out for a drink sometimes. She has said why dont I leave him and then he might realise what he is missing but I couldn' possibly do that cos I dont have the money to rent a place myself plus I love him and have no one else.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 April 2019):
 You REALLY need to learn to stand on your own two feet. It's time.
You might not be able to afford a flat of your own, so look for a room-mate situation that you can afford.
You ARE just the build in "sex-pot" on tap at his place.
YOU want kids and monogamy. HE SURELY doesn't. He has another GF, so YOU are not really a priority to him.
You actually think you have a REAL relationship here? Because to me, it sounds like a cluster%uck of people USING each other.
You are USING him to have a place to stay (except for the time he kicks you out so he can entertain OTHER women).
And he uses you for your nativity and sex.
There is not some DEEP relationship going on here.
He is who he is. And that is NOT the kind of man YOU seem to want. He doesn't WANT just one woman or to have kids. You think by letting him WALK all over you he will see how much you "love" him and then he will change... UTTERLY unrealistic!~
You need to look for a new place to live. And you need to let this guy go. HE WILL NEVER be the man you WANT him to be.
Otherwise you are just preventing yourself from finding a guy who DOES want to be monogamous with you, marry you and have a family with you. RIGHT now... you are WASTING your time on a guy who isn't right for you, and who never WILL be right for you.
So, go get yourself a STD check. Then look into finding a room-mate situation you CAN afford. Maybe with friends? People you ARE NOT having sex with.
Let him go. Set yourself FREE.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2019): From what you've mentioned in your post, your boyfriend just wants a perpetual-girlfriend; leaving him the freedom to come and go as he pleases. His decision that he doesn't want children should give you cause for pause. On the one hand, you do want children; and on the other, you are also talking about a deeper (monogamous, I suppose) commitment. When addressing both these very wonderful and adult issues, he gets angry. Uhm...what part of that don't you get?
If you agreed to an open-relationship, and he refuses to commit to you. The sensible thing is to dump him. You claim to love him too much to do that. Then writing for advice makes no sense. Wisdom and logic suggests that if you can't get what you want from the person you've chosen as your mate; then you end that relationship to give yourself the chance to seek exactly what you want and need in a mate. Someone possessing all the traits and character you're looking for, without having to change them.
He likes things as they are. You seem dependent on him. The place where you live is his. You back-down when he barks; and basically, you feel you're only there for extra sex.
If that's how you feel, but stay...what's your complaint?
For one thing, you may never change him or his perspective on life. He has chosen what he wants. It is you who's trying to get him to see things your way. His getting angry and resisting any discussion about it, clearly indicates you're the one unhappy in this situation. He isn't.
You have made it clear to one of his other girlfriends, and to us, that leaving him is not an option. So you must have come to DC to find someone who could tell you how to brainwash your boyfriend into wanting children and a deeper commitment. The objective or goal in finding a good match is finding someone who wants what you want. Not forcing what you want on someone who doesn't!
I think it would be wiser to suggest that you find yourself a better match. You will also have to become less dependent on someone who clearly doesn't want to develop a deeper or more committed relationship with you.
You need to work on becoming more financially-independent; because you have limited your options down to living with a guy you can't see much of a future with. If you want to have children, it could only be by getting pregnant in spite of his wish not to have kids. The end result will be, he'll leave you a single-mother with the child you tried to spring on him.
You vaguely admit you're also using/depending on him for a place to live; because you can't afford rent on your own. Then find a yourself a place with a roommate or two. I hope you're working towards a degree in a good profession. You can't depend on men to support you; and you can't always marry financial-security. In any given situation, you could always end-up supporting yourself; or a single-mother with at least one child.
If your boyfriend is in his early 20s, it is unlikely he is even thinking about kids and marriage.
He is still getting established financially, gaining work-experience, and living-out his youthful years before taking on more serious responsibilities. I also hope he is earning or has earned a degree.
If he is just earning enough to pay the rent and get by, he is wise not to want any children at this point in his life. If he doesn't want to be a father; it is also a wise choice to not have kids. Even if someone comes along and tries to make him a dad against his wishes. However, if he's having unprotected-sex; he is morally and financially responsible for any offspring he creates.
Because he's a guy, he is naturally going to be seen as commitment-phobic or immature. It would be unfair for any of us to jump to that conclusion; because we don't know that much about him. However, if he has made it clear over and over he is fine with things as they are, and doesn't want kids; then your option is to leave him, and go find exactly the kind of guy and relationship you want. You can survive without having anyone, and if you can't; maybe it's time you develop your survival-skills so you can.
We don't wait for others to bring us happiness and fulfillment, we seek those things on our own. Once we have found most of them; we'll also seek someone with whom we can share our lives. Helping and supporting each other; and catching the other when he or she falls. We want dependable people in our lives; but we don't want to be a a burden, or to carry unnecessary burdens due to bad choices.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2019): Get out.He has already shown he is abusive to you.That reason is why you gotta go.It will not get better ever only worse. It always does.But I loooove him don't fly here.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (1 April 2019):
 Just from that alone surely you can tell that he’s not very invested in your ‘relationship’. Someone who won’t talk about a future, DOES NOT see a future. You are sex on tap, nothing more. If he truly loved you he wouldn’t be sleeping with other girls. Are you participating in this open relationship too? Or are you just letting him sleep with whoever he fancies because you don’t want to lose him? If that’s the case then he’s got a sweet deal, multiple girls to sleep with and doesn’t even have to break a sweat putting any effort in.
You want to be happy with this guy? Well you’re already sharing his attention, he has a bad temper and you’re on completely different wavelengths regarding having kids. How could this possibly work out? He WILL find someone he wants to be with exclusively one day and it is NOT you.
What do you mean you have no one? You have fallen out with your family? You live far away? They have passed away? More info needed on that.
Why can’t you get a job? Save for your own place? Move into a friends?
If you think this is all you’re worth then I truly pity you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (1 April 2019):
 Be careful what you wish for. Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life, walking on eggshells round someone who is nice to you only when it suits him, when he wants you for a bit of sexual relief? He gets angry because commitment and responsibility are not in his plans for you. Why WOULD they be? He has his multiple girlfriends to keep him entertained. Why would he want to settle for just one? And why on earth would he want to have the responsibility of kids? You need to listen to what he is telling you because, brutal as it is, it is the truth and you can't have something just because YOU want it.
What is to stop you finding a job - any job - so you can make some money of your own and rent somewhere? There are cheap places to rent if you look for them. Shared houses can work out cheaper than most other places, or even a bed sit would be fine if it is yours and you are not beholden to someone to keep a roof over your head. Or share somewhere with a friend.
Trust me, this guy is just biding his time, waiting for something better to come along. He will use you all (however many girlfriends he has) until, one day, he meets someone he DOES want to commit to, then you won't see him for dust. And then you will HAVE to find somewhere else to live.
I do wonder what sort of life you have had up to this point that you do not think you are worth any better than the crumbs this guy is throwing you. You can't change what has happened in the past but you CAN change your future IF YOU WANT TO. I do hope you wake up one day and realize you ARE worth better than this. I also hope you are using effective contraception because there is nothing that will see you homeless quicker than an unplanned pregnancy.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 April 2019):
 Him getting angry is a way of dodging an important conversation. You entered into an arrangement with him without proper commitment. I don't know how much rent you pay. It seems like he is nice to you when he wants you that night. When he wants someone else he had the right to kick you out. If you are paying half the rent you are entitled to stay there at all times. It is a lose lose situation. Pressuring him into a commitment is not going to change a thing because he is only thinking about what benefits him. You should talk about commitment before you become involved with a man, not after you sleep with him then making him feel he's not stepping up to the plate. However, not being in a good financial situation is not reason to shack up with a guy then hoping he would be a knight in shining armor. When a man is in love with you he will feel free to share his financial resources and time with you. When you offer to sleeping with him as an option in order to get lowered rent, that is not going to bring out the loving nature in him. All it is going to do is get yourself taken advantaged of, in a vulnerable position. To get out of this, you need to sever any connection, and hopes that he will be the one for you. You need to rebuild your connection with your parents, if that's possible, or find female roommates in the meantime before you are able to move out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2019): You are very young and very dependent on your boyfriend, emotionally AND financially.
Until you take responsibility for your own life, you won't really have a choice and you will feel as if you have to tolerate the behavior of your partner, who also happens to be your provider. That's a child's perspective.
Having a baby at this point seems like an attempt on your part to seal the deal.
You are in a textbook codependant relationship. Google it.
In these relationships, the partner who is in a weaker position (financially unstable, usually without support of friends and family, younger, self-confidence problems, lack of education/skills...) is "taken care of" by a partner in a position of strength, who usually abuses this position to always get what he/she wants.
But, the weaker partner usually uses passive-aggression (e.g. crying, being sick, even suicide attempts or self-harm).
I'm not judging the deal you have made with your partner - you being in an open relationship. But from what you wrote, it isn't something that you want. It something that HE wants and you are not listening to him. He wants to have things the way they are right now - no children, no stronger attachments to you, full control over you and have other girlfriends on the side. You are a part of a harem, you even have coffee together and exchange advice on how to better "manipulate your man".
What happens when you have boyfriends on the side? Do you even want one, because that is what being in an open relationship means?
You need help. Do you have any family and real friends? People who could offer you support. You could also benefit from seeing a psychotherapist. You are very young and still have time to help yourself and move on.
You should work on your skills, education and getting a better job, so that you can become independent. And that is the last thing that you and your partner want, since you are in a codependant relationship. But that is the only thing you should focus your energy on.
You don't say what the age difference is between you...
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