A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My Bf and i settled down very quickly into our relationship when i found out i was pregnant. My pill wasnt effective due some medication i was on and aboetion was not an option i wanted to take. But we were in love and happy and in ok jobs so we said we can make this work. Fast forward 3 years and were such different people. We dont have the same sense of humour, interests or views on things. He is very laid back and lets does things last minute, whereas im a panicker and like to be ready when thi gs are coming up whether its noney for a night out or speting out Christmas etc. I always spoil him on birthdays etc but i feel like hea not very thoughtful. Its mothers day and yet again hes asleep im downstairs cleaning didnt get so much as a card. Same for my birthday a few days ago and his parents bdays before that. In fact i had to buy for his mother and loan a few pounds to get her a gift so we wouldnt look bad. I feel quite unappreciated tbh. I work hard i look after our baby i keep myself looking as best as i can and have a clean house and washing for him and i dont get so much as a card. He always says hes broke but we make the same infact i pay more into the household budget and i always make sure i have something for him tp show my appreciation and love from our daughter and i. I dont want to sound like a moaning mum but i dont know how to broach this with him and think hes not gonna start getting thoughtful now after 3 years. Any suggestions?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 April 2019):
 I don't think having a child together is going to make someone fall out of love unless he didn't really love you. It is easy to fall in love, to have a connection with someone but having a long term commitment is a totally different thing. It sounds like he didn't want a child but is only dealing with the situation. He is physically in the house but mentally he is constantly escaping. There is no mention of marriage. Maybe he didn't want you to buy the gift because he doesn't know how long this relationship is going to last, or how long he can pretend this for. The in laws can love you a lot but if he's not enjoying this relationship, there is nothing you can do to make the in laws your in laws officially. When you talk to him, don't ask him how he can be more thoughtful. Ask, he either wants to be with you or not. You don't need to be together but you can still co parent.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2019): My suggestion would be: STOP. Just stop. Stop picking up the slack and clearly state what you need and want (as far as I understood, you already made sure to give a lot back).
Why did you borrow money and bought a gift for HIS mother only not to look bad? Let HIM look bad (it's HIS mother), because that is what he is at this moment. And if you are ashamed of being with someone like him... well, that is a whole new ballgame.
As long as you are there to do everything and do not say anything constructive about it (whining and blaming... isn't constructive), he'll just do as he pleases.
Sit down and make a plan. Make several plans. Financial plan. Plan of chores. Weekly meal plan... what is it that you want him to do? Underline it in red.
Then set it aside. Be positive and gentile and don't let the following turn into an argument.
Talk to him about making plans. Try and do it together. See what he has to say. You already know what you need. Pay attention to your budget. He has to contribute the same amount of money if you earn the same. He cannot have more expenses, because his expenses are your expenses as well, since you pick up the bill when it comes to groceries, so to speak.
If he doesn't want to make plans, participate, pull his weight (and half the weight of his kid), if he tries to avoid the whole thing but turning everything into an argument, well that's an answer in itself.
Once the plans are set, make sure he sticks to them by not doing things for him.
And then, you'll have to face the truth.
Maybe, you'll be better of without him.
So, where's the real problem? You feeling unappreciated or you not appreciating the man you're with.
The first one has more than one solution. If things work out-great you stay together, if not, you leave.
But the second one has only one outcome. If you do not appreciate the man you're with, if you do not have anything in common, then you must think long and hard if you want to keep this going.
Some people are just not as thoughtful as other people. Maybe they didn't learn how to be when they were kids. But, if they become aware of the problem and are willing to work on it (and have help) - anything can happen.
My hubby had a pretty horrible childhood. When we met he said he hated "birthday gifts" (receiving AND giving). In truth, he himself had received very few when he was a kid (mostly ones he didn't like) and never learned what giving gifts really meant (in his head it was all about the money, which he hadn't had). So, with love and patience, we worked on it. He has been MAKING me gifts when he started woodworking and I help him find gifts for other people when he asks. But he has to ask and participate. Otherwise, I would take on a role of his mother buying a gift for his classmate.
Some people are more laid back, but their partners shouldn't be the ones to pick up the slack.
You don't have to do the same things. If he can't cook, you do the cooking BUT he has to help you with it, clean up, buy the groceries... or whatever. That is why making plans is important. Everybody should know what and when he or she should do, especially the laid back people.
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