A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it ADD? My boyfriend of 16 months I think has ADD. These are the things that I am noticing and honestly I don't now how to go on despite the fact that he is a very nice man. 1.he basically can't answer any of my questions. Either he doesn't understand what I asked, or he answers something tha I didn't even ask him, something totally different.then he tells me that the reason he didnt understand is because I frased them in a way that it was impossible to understand. 2. He looses things. We all do, I loose things also and sometimes don't remember where they are, but his losses are very frequent and on every day basis: every morning, where are my glasses, wallet, cell phone. Through the day: have you seen my phone? Wallet? Car keys?3. He interrupts non stop. He never let's me finish even the shortest story. At the same time he can't be interrupted himself otherwise as he said it himsel he doesn't remember what he was talking about. 4. What surprises me the most, he never returns anyone's phone calls. He doesn't check his messages unless I remind him, and even if he checks them he ignores people. Many times its business related, and he still doesn't return calls. 5. When he starts doing something he never finishes. One small project replaces another, and nothing gets ever done Example:there was something wrong with bathroom lock and he had to nock the door off. That was 2 weeks ago. For 2 weeks I have to look at broken door and also I can not even lock it. 6. He doesn't know how much money he has on his accounts. And when I say he doesn't know how muchi mean at all. Not even approximately . He can't say whether it's a 1K or $5K. He tells me it's always shifting, but when for example it's time to plan vacation, he never kows how much he has to spend, again, not even approximately. 7. Heis always late : dates, birthday parties, work, doctors appointments, always late everywhere we go. We were several times late for weddings. Ussualy I can't get him out of the house. He always needs things to find, and then he must go to the bathroom before we leave, and he spends there quite a bit of time. Yesterday I kind of lost it. He was doing some work for one my of friends, who had lately was busy with her sick father. It s been months since they talked and yesterday she called me, saying she can't reach my boyfriend on a phone , and he doesn't return her messages. She said, that the little projects he was supposed to do for her ( he is in art field) needs to be finished as she realy wants it back and for the occasion When I ask him, he couldn't even remember what project. Than there were several minutes of silence as I could see he was trying very hard to remember, and than he said, I need to find it, I have no idea where it is. I was totally shocked.,the thing is that materials that she gave him for it cost a lot of money, not nly that for her it was her inheritance from her grandmother, a sentimental value, she said when she has a daughter she will pass it onto her. When I told him that, he just shrugged his shoulder and started blaming her for dissapearing for these months and not reminding him. I realy lost it. I started almost yelling at him, that he is embarrassing me, and then I just got up and left to my place. I am not ready to say total goodbye. May be he needs help if itis ADD. Any opinions?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2014): I am researching this and read your question, finding myself completely jaw dropped. I could have written your question with minimal tweaking. I am being completely driven mad to have to deal with this on a daily basis. I began putting it together years ago, and now see it will never go away without being properly addressed. My bf of ten years- and I believe some of his family members- suffer from this. His is worse then them, and getting to the point where I can't stand Him anymore!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2014): He sounds very like my ex partner who I only realised AFTER we split up had ADD. Except he had it much worse than your partner. I personally would NEVER go out with someone with ADD ever again. Sorry to those who have the condition, and maybe it was my ex's other character traits that made it worse, but after 17 years I was totally and utterly exhausted and became physically ill with the stress. It was impossible for me to feel that I was with a responsible adult. I constantly felt as if I was with a child - a very, very needy child - who never grew up and who I couldn't ever trust with even the slightest responsibility. But my partner's attitude didn't help - he was arrogant, constantly blaming anyone but himself for his completely chaotic lifestyle - like your partner he had no idea about money, was totally unable to plan anything or stick to any routine at all, constantly stressed and unable to communicate coherently - yes, he would seem to be answering a totally different question. Thing is, for the first couple of years I found it so endearing and adorable - he seemed so open and approachable compared with other men. Then I was a bit like you, trying to work with it, then it just got worse and worse and worse. I was never able to feel protected or feminine because I was always expected to sort everything out. I hated it. I'd say take your decision very seriously - and think about just how many years of your life you're willing to invest in helping your partner - if he has no desire of his own accord to change or find ways of coping, then you're wasting your time.
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A
female
reader, heyheyhey  +, writes (10 July 2014):
 My last ex had ADHD or ADD (can't remember which, or it could have been both) After 3 yrs of dating him I simply couldn't cope with it anymore. Most times, I felt like his mother with having to "remember" or just "do" things for him, that say, a normal man would be able to do, based on him either being unreliable or incapable of completing things. Not to mention, it also cost me a lot of money. I.e. he was constantly breaking stuff eg melting my laptop, breaking my camera, breaking numerous things in my kitchen out of him simple not being able to pay attention.People are different. Some people can cope with it, while others find it difficult. Also, people's ADHD/ ADD are different. But for me, personally, it just wrung me dry. It also felt like I was in a relationship completely alone as he was never there for me mentally or emotionally when I needed support. I would never date someone with ADHD/ ADD again. It took far too much from me and ended up putting me in a negative place for a long time.Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 July 2014):
 Well it could be. I have ADHD-combined so both the hyper and the distraction.. such fun.
The only way to know for sure is to have a professional evaluate him.
there is a test called the TOVA test... Test of Variable Attention and that's a starting point. (I flunk that test totally)
A good starting point would be the book "Driven to Distraction" by by Edward Hallowell. it's available in paperback and it's got some serious checklists to help a user figure it out.
IF he is not unhappy with things however it may not make a difference.
I was first diagnosed in 1969 when it was called "minimal brain dysfunction" (before that it was minimal brain DAMAGE) then it became Hyperkenesis) then hyperactivity... and so on...
Meds sadly do not work for me. I have too many side effects to make it worth the little attention I get so coping skills had to be created.
Adventures in Fast Forward by kathleen G Nadeau is a great book to give adults coping skills at home and work. I will admit that Kathleen was a HUGE help to me in finding ways to WORK with my ADHD
for example... I have to have routines...
I get up and I do the same thing every morning, including breakfast on days I work.. otherwise I never get out of the house on time.
I make lists.
I use alarms and reminders
when I get home, my keys are hung up in the same place ALL THE TIME... I never have to look for my keys. My phone when charged is in my purse at all times. My glasses on my face.. I pack up 2 weeks worth of medications I take in daily little bottles and just grab and go without much thought.
Once an ADHD person gets the habits down that help it makes life easier. and yes if they can take it medication is a big help.
But as the partner of an ADHD person you would need to develop an understanding that it's not his fault and while not an excuse it is an explanation of why a person does what they do.
I have no shades of gray... only black and white.
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