A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I feel like everything I do is wrong all my life, especially with males. Even in Elementary school boys were basically separated unless they were relatives. There were a few times where we did normal things but even if I just sat and listened to boys talk or be silly I was pulled away faster by parents teachers or other parents and told they expected more from me. Sixth Grade I had a crush on a sort of popular guy because he had blue eyes and looked cute with braces. He was funny and I got moved even though I barely talked to him. I was told they expected more from me even though other girls were always laughing and being silly more than I was! I even asked what I did wrong and I was told I was going to be different. So I never had male friends. In High School girl friends would ask who I thought was cute and then they would tell everyone and I would be told to leave him alone by teachers and my parents and all that. So I finally just stopped answering which made my girl friends guess or try to set it up soI was alone with one of the guys they were friends with. Then they would tell on me. I said over and over that I just wanted to be friends with boys and the girl who got me in trouble the most said I wasn't the type of girl who got to be just friends with boys. That I was too prissy for that. I was not prissy! My parents had weird rules about how I was not allowed to wear anything but solid colors, no bright colors, no make up or jewelry. I have no idea how I was prissy! I go to college, I did one semester and I did great in English Comp, US Government, and Art Appreciation even though my parents really wanted me to drop the class but let me keep it so my grades would not be messed up. I got my first two Cs in Earth science and college algebra. I also thought I was making friends with this group that contained males. No one was really dating anyone so it seemed perfect. They talked about sex stuff sometimes and it was interesting but I made it clear that I was not interested and didn't want anything like that. One boy, Isaac, covered my ears sometimes and told everyone "watch the virgin ears!" I told him it wasn't funny and to not do that. He listened. We as a group didn't do much because we only saw each other on campus and when I finally went with them a few times they started talking about gas money. OK, gas isnt free but no one else was asked. Isaac pointed this out and the girl driving, Alli, got mad when he tried to give her money. He knew just as they did that while I do have a job i am only allowed $10 at a time which means I would not be able to buy food AND pay for the ride. And it shouldn't cost $5 there and then back from a restaurant down the street! My parents told me they did not like me to go with them because they could promise to take me one place when they really take me another. Because there was no one to supervise us and they could do drugs or talk about anything. I really dont think they do drugs at all! Isaac started bringing me food from whatever restaurant until Alli started taking so long after getting the food because she had them sit in a parking lot to eat instead of bringing it to me. Isaac gave up and told me he was sorry but it really made Ali mad when he did that for me. I asked if she liked him and he said no but she was being constantly told by everyone else that I didn't do anything to anyone so what was wrong?She started being nice again and the next thing I knew she was trying to arrange for Isaac and me to talk and spend time together a lot. It was fine until he asked if I changed my mind about not wanting to have a boyfriend or do sex stuff. I told him no and he asked why I hung around so much. I said I liked my friends and he said that I never really flirted and acted real standoffish around males so what was my goal?I said My goal was friends and he told me I really wasnt that kind of girl. I asked what he meant and he said girls like me really arent supposed to have guy friends except for husband or brothers and I said I did not plan to get married. He asked why and I said what I always wanted to: when you get married you are supposed to have sex to make babies. I have always been impatient and annoyed by children and I definitely dont want the sex part. Now NONE of them want me around. What did I do wrong?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2021): I think all you do wrong is mixed messages. You have no interest in sex but want to learn about it. You giggle about guys you have no intention on dating and get offended when someone puts a stop to it. you allow a guy to stick up for you, tease you, give you food and attention and then say there is no desire to date but he can sure keep doing what he is doing!
Isaac asked you a question: what is your goal?
If your goal is friendship only, get to know some girls!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2021): "Even in Elementry School..."
Was this gender separation your parents, your school/place of worship, something else, of some combination? Did they explain why? What was their explanation? I am thinking the adults in your life meant to shield you from harm or situations where things could turn sexual but they gave you no guidance aside from "Stay away!"
I don't understand why you would be held to higher standards than others, if this happened all the time or just a few times, or what. My parents were very strict, sheltered all four of us, and based a lot of rules on the church we were raised in. We also had random rules too. For example no one was allowed to sleep in past 5:30 am once we hit High School and if there were long bus rides to school- or church-related events or a rare overnight similar, none of us were allowed to get there unless our parents drove is in their van and had is stay in their hotel room. We skipped many celebration or reward dinner or trip because we were involved to put on a band show/play volleyball/wrestle/swim/take part in a play etc. we were not there for anything else. There was no explanation either. Other parents/authority picked up on it and some held us to higher standards to! As parents of 21-year old twins (female) and a 19-year old boy, we have always tried to explain the "why" behind rules so they don't seem so arbitrary.
Our oldest twin, Megan, was always very friendly, bubbly, huggy, caring and helpful. Great qualities but the very reason we kept the closest eye on her socially. For her safety because some evil people take advantage. Our youngest twin, Emily, was always very quiet, shy, nervous and hated attention.Yet she got her naturally raven hair cut asymmetric with bright blue streak in it. She had a meltdown when very few people critized her. We all have to help her think things through. Jonah is our wrestler and artist. He writes his own comics about mostly school, wrestling, and random adult things he overheard. It has only gotten worse since he moved out.
Parents will parent until we are dead. Your parents should have explained themselves to you and I hope my personal examples gave you some insight.
There is nothing wrong with you and there never was! Your interest in boys the way you described it sounds very age-appropriate and I wish you could ask your parents what they saw was wrong about your behavior. You cannot fix something no one explains! The downside of being shielded is that you miss social cues like the part where Alli and them were trying to set you up with Isaac. You accepted his attentions but made it clear (and honest!) that you wanted friends only especially because it does not in sex.
Isaac sounds like he is harmless enough but likes to pick on people he likes. He also probably has a normal sex drive for his age but redpects NO - but cannot understand it so he asks for understanding.
What are you doing wrong? It is not what, but who you are with. Maybe a church group would be more your speed for now. Since you live with parents would they let you church shop? People there are more likely to accept someone your age not having interest in sex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2021): You didn't do anything wrong. You're different, with a different set of values.
You're in college now, and you won't always keep the same set of friends or associates. Join study-groups, participate in activities that do community-outreach, and find yourself a place of worship.
Religious-parents tend to go overboard, especially raising daughters. You're an adult now, but you show immaturity when you put yourself down; and wallow in self-pity. You're somewhat sheltered, which makes you socially-awkward; but time and exposure to various personality-types will help you overcome your clumsiness in social situations. You become adept through practice and exposure. Nobody's perfect!
Males are not from another planet. You'll meet all kinds, and everybody has opinions like they have ears and buttholes.
People will criticize you, make fun of you, and sometimes turn on you. Such is life, and that's people for you! These are your life-lessons; and college is where we gain survival-skills, as well as an education.
You are just as human and important as anybody and everybody you know. We are all unique in someway; and people tend to pick at our weaknesses and flaws; or anything they see different about us.
You had better learn to be comfortable in your own skin; or you will find yourself being a weakling, submissive, and a "follower." Begging for approval or validation; and kowtowing to everybody's whims and demands. I know what it feels like to feel different, and maybe a little off; but time and experience has taught me to embrace my uniqueness, and to protect my set of values.
Let people have their opinions. You are not confined or constrained under their scrutiny or definition!!! Who the hell are they?!! When one set of friends betray you, or decide to be fair-weather friends; then drop them, and move on. You should only associate with others who'll accept you on your own terms, respect your differences, and respect you as a person. You are allowed to be yourself, as long as that isn't hurting you or anybody else. You are entitled to your own sense of style, cater to your own tastes, and form your own self-image according to your own personality and truth as an individual. Even your parents don't get to decide that.
You can't say too much about what "men" think, or expound on how "all men" treat you. You've only been exposed to very limited few. You are very inexperienced and you haven't really met any men. You've met college-boys. Learn to repel or absorb "virgin-jokes." Being a "ho" won't get you treated any better! Be your own woman! You've only dealt with few high school boys, and grade school boys. They are silly, knuckleheaded, and childish. They say and do wonky things; while telling you how weird you are! Don't fall for everything you're told about yourself; and even worse, start cursing yourself with self-criticism and put-downs. If you keep referring to yourself in negative-terms, that is modeling yourself for failure. It is lowering all your expectations of yourself; and surrendering to unsolicited and unkind-criticisms from others, who are just as flawed and peculiar in their own right! What do you notice that's weird about that bunch so focused on all your flaws? They're making you too self-conscious to see what's not so cool about them!!! Wake-up, girlfriend! You won't fall on your back and spread your legs for random scumbags, like some other females. That's up to you, when or if you'll ever decide to do that. I'd recommend you don't! If you're destined to be a wife or a sister, what's that to them?
Cut it out, with all the self-loathing and belittlement!!!
Your parents are reluctantly getting used to you being out in the world on you own; and have allowed their "religion" to impose a lot of restrictions on your life, that don't put much emphasis on God's love, protection, and compassion for us. Applying too much pressure on living by rules and restrictions. Only because you are still young and naive. Subject to peer-pressure, and too quick to yield to criticism.
Maybe sometimes they act as if you'll become an instant whore, if they don't bound you in chains, and seal you in plastic-wrap. Love sometimes can be overbearing and overprotective.
When you're away from them, you can exercise your freedom and independence. From time to time, you should respectfully remind them that you're not a little-child. If they start accusing you of disrespect and slapping you with their zealous religious self-righteousness; remind them that you truly love God, and you know He's looking out for you every second of your life. Remind them that you will never forget your love of God, all His rules; and you will behave, because you have self-respect.
Please don't hate God for overprotective-parents; who make Him appear ruthless, unforgiving, and expecting you not to be human. He expects us to be pure in thought, loving, kind, strong in moral-character, fair, and to use good-judgement and discernment. He will give that to you, if you pray for it; and He will guide you through His Spirit without your parents behaving as if they have to keep you imprisoned in a cage, to keep out the world. You're living in the world, and there is no escaping it. God watches over us. I am not criticizing your parents' parenting-skills, or their religion; I don't know them, and have no right to. I am only taking what you've indicated in your post as the basis of my advice and opinion. You can't please everybody. With God as the exception. He rewards us abundantly for it. Perfection is only in Heaven, and He is God. Humans cannot achieve perfection, only aspire to it. He is our perfection. Don't allow humans (especially men) to make you think ill of yourself. They are only skin and bone just like you!
Time, experience, and maturity will shape and mold you as a woman. The values your parents have instilled in you will give you a spiritual-foundation to base your morals and character upon. God will guide you, but you also have to use common sense and know what kind of people you should hang-around. If they are overly-critical, and tend to always make you feel bad about yourself; those are not friends. If they are always making you feel stupid, or as if you're some kind of an oddball. Dump them altogether! They only want to "control" how you behave and think. You don't need to belong to a clique, and you don't need to prove anything to guys! Nor females for that matter!!! They don't know what's in your heart, and can't read your mind; and you don't have to go out of your way to prove anything to any of them. That is called strength in character. Take only constructive-criticism that makes you a better person, not easier to control and manipulate. Mean-girls will be jealous of your inner and outer-beauty; and will disguise their jealousy with friendship. You've noticed how girls didn't always act in your best interest; but tried to put you down on the sly. Always be wary and vigilant of this! Don't be paranoid, just use discernment.
Time to grow-up! Stop putting yourself down, and allowing everybody to make you feel like you're some kind of idiot who needs everybody to tell her how to behave, or think. It's time to adopt your own opinions, discover your own strengths, create your own philosophy on life, have self-awareness, and choose your own path. Your parents will try to rule your life; because they know you are naive and sheltered, but you're now getting exposure to the world. Use your eyes, and open you ears; and utilize your common sense to develop character, and to determine who you are and want to be as a woman.
Everyone begins to backs-off when they notice you have your own mind; and they can no longer intimidate you with criticism, threats, and put-downs. First, you have to stop doing that to yourself! You are fearfully and wonderfully made, and you are now a woman! Guys will take notice and respect you when you start asserting a positive and more focused outlook. Stop berating yourself, and acting as if you are some kind of oddball. There is nothing new under the sun, and you aren't experiencing anything other females don't experience. You'll learn, develop your survival-skills, and you'll become a strong-woman. Men will take notice. You will be required to make them respect you for who you are, and what you stand for. The same goes for anyone who wants to call themselves your friends!!!
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