A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:ok, so basically i have split up with my boyfriend, we were going out for 2 yrs 3 months, he dumped me and the reason for it was that he found out the hard way that i cheated. i cheated back in february of this year but that was only kissing and he forgave me for it. these are the only two times i have cheated. as far as im aware he has never cheated, but about a month or two ago, he got back in touch with an old school friend and they grew closer and closer until it came to the point he wouldnt even let me look at his phone. it was constantly either in his pocket, purposely left in the car, or switched off. i didnt really take any hints because i was too much in love(stupidly).then one morning he left his phone at home when he went to work so i thought id have a look and see wat all this was about, it turns out he had been flirting with this old school friend and was arranging to meet up and have sex with her! when he came back for his phone later in the day he saw me with it, and immediately knew what i had seen, i yelled at him (didnt know why i didnt end it there and then) and he told me he vows on his life he didnt actually sleep with her. i struggled to believe him for a while but then eventually the trust built back up because he told me he would completely ignore her, and he had been up til we split, but because we have split i have no idea what hes doing now. but then i cheated, and he found out the hard way because the guy i cheated with told him in a mail, he then questioned me about it, i then confessed and he immediately grabbed all his stuff, upped and left. gone. i then had to go to work and when i got home i opened my laptop and for some reason it automatically signed my ex in on msn, and the little box down in the bottom right corner came up saying he had an email, which was from SITUK, and on closer inspection of this email SITUK stands for Sex in the UK, and the email said that someone had been viewing his profile. so i thought id have an even closer look and it turns out the website is designed for people to meet up and have no strings attached sex! and there are quite a few messages my ex had sent out to people saying that he was bi-curious(which he never told me) and that he was up for trying absolutely anything, and this was all a few months back, while we were going out! i really want to question him about it, because it seems like it went a bit like *i cheated, he tried to cheat, i cheated, he left* but now ive "got more info" so to speak, it now feels more like *i cheated, he cheated, he cheated again, i cheated, he left* so he split up with me going on the basis that *i cheated, he tried to cheat, i cheated* but i really strongly feel theres something i dont know. that maybe hes actually cheated on me with his old school friend, and on more than one occasion with people from this website. by the way my first instance of cheating was a few pecks on the lips and 1 snog that lasted 5 or 6 seconds, the second instance was all the way, protected. both times i was drunk. what do i do?? i really want to get it out of him then maybe he will think twice about why he dumped me and realise he was in the wrong.. help?!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (9 November 2009):
 Here is the answer to what you do: take yourself down to your GP or local family planning clinic and get screened for sexually transmitted diseases. You don't know who your ex was sexually active with and he may never tell you the truth. Unless you know for certain that you have always used suitable protection then it is important to get checked out for the sake of you and your future fertility/ partners. Apart from that practical step, I would say forget about your ex and that relationship. I don't think he cheated because you already had been cavorting with other men. I think he cheated because he is a cheat, and you cannot really say anything about that because you have also cheated. The real issue wasn't the cheating - it was the fact that neither of you were willing to commit to a mature, committed relationship. That is not necessarily a criticism as lots of young people have trouble with relationships - you are at a time in your life where you are working out preferences and who you are. You both may have liked each other, but not enough to stop straying. The cheating on both sides indicates that to be true. You have to learn a lesson from this - if you are cheating then you are not that committed to the relationship and it is probably best to call it quits. Trying to psychoanalyse the sexuality of your ex or contacting him for a post-breakup meeting is not going to make it any better. When you meet the right man then you won't be inclined to look elsewhere. However, if you continue to be a cheater then it racks up a lot of life misery for not only yourself but other people who care about you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009): This kind of a relationship really makes me a bit ill.
It is pretty much based on sex, whether you see it that way or not.
You two are not ready to be in a comitted relationship so you would have just continued to fight and make up fight and make up over having sex with other people.
Your boyfriend sounds like he is a bit screwed up anyway if he is going on line for random anonymous sex, this is a very self destructive behvior, it is dangerous and you don't want to be having sex with a guy who is having sex with men. He will be at a high risk of contracting HIV if he has anal sex for instance and then he can come home and give it to you.
Next time you have a boyfriend, try to get to know him better first, set some boundaries for your relationship early on, and base your romance on becoming friends first.
He didn't dump you for your cheating, he dumped you because he is a cheater and he wants to have sex with men.
Time to let this go and move on.
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