A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is a really good man, he loves me and communicates with me, but he just doesn't give me enough sex. He's only 28 and sometimes I'll want it and he'll say he's tired or after a fight I love make up sex but he says he's too mentally drained! It's beginning to feel like I'm the horny guy and he's the chick in the relationship and now I have all this pent up sexual energy that's turning into anger and frustration. The problem is he treats me the best out of any relationship I've had. We live together and he takes care of me and does a lot around the house,etc. I'd hate to leave him bc of sex and then find a guy that I have great sexual compatability with and treats me like crap. Am I just being selfish, should I suck it up and make a compromise, or is this a big enough issue to leave someone over?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): "It's a way to show how much you love each other. Sometimes, that's forgotten by people"
I agree. I think he is too good a person to consider to leave him. Hopefully some of the advice given here and talking about the issues will help.
Not all men have high sex drives as is so often considered to be the norm. And more sex is not always better, the quality of the sex is what counts.
If you don't you should also masturbate to satisfy yourself since your drive is higher than his. Then you won't feel so frustrated.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (15 February 2011):
 Have you tried talking to him about it? Not confrontationally, or rudely, just bringing it up and asking if there's something you can do?
He may just need foreplay, too. Rub his shoulders, or just corner him somewhere during the day and start kissing him. Then back off for a while, only to come back later. Foreplay starts when you wake up.
If he's tired, go to bed earlier, then wake up half an hour earlier and have sex then (or an hour, or two, or whatever). His daily rhythym of hormones and horniness may just be different from yours.
If he's mentally drained after a fight, tell him he doesn't have to do anything, you just want to say you're sorry (doesn't matter who won the fight, or who's at fault, or even if you're really sorry). Start kissing him, then go for a handjob or blowjob. Partway through, when he's starting to get into it, go for the real thing. He may refuse, in which case, back off until morning - but it's worth a shot.
Buy some sexy underwear, let him see you put it on in the morning, then wear it all day. He'll be thinking about it, and you can take it off that night - the anticipation is way more fun than jsut wearing lingerie for two minutes before stripping. Again, foreplay.
I don't think it's intimacy problems, because you still want sex from him. It's not an issue with your attraction to him, it's just that he's not putting out when you want it. So don't worry that there's something wrong with your relationship, at least not yet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): I kinda know where you're coming from. See, my boyfriend is amazing in every aspect except the bedroom. It frustrates me because I don't know if it's me he finds unattractive or if it really is just him not wanting it all the time. Sometimes, I find it hard to believe that he doesn't want it all the time because A) he is a guy, and B) I'm not used to the idea of a guy not wanting sex all the time because for three years with my ex, he was always all over me but treated me like crap otherwise. As much as I love sex, my boyfriend is the complete opposite. Sometimes I feel the only reason he does have sex with me is so I don't bother him about it.I'd definitely try talking to him. Sex really isn't worth losing someone who treats you well. Sure, both would be nice, but if it came down to it, I'd pick the better guy/so-so sex over crappy guy/great sex.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): "that's turning into anger and frustration""then find a guy that I have great sexual compatability with and treats me like crap"So, you sound like this has been a problem in the past. You've had partners that treated you like crap and yet the sex was great.This is a common phenomenon in people, they don't know how to have a good relationship with someone who treats them well. They have the "best sex" with those who are not respectful and when they meet someone who is they can't manage it.You have to work on relationships, and develop understanding of the other person, and yourself, but yourself comes first. Really, you've got an issue with relationships.From what you write, and I know this sounds terrible, I suspect if you ran into a dirtbag in a bar, who was a woman hater, who just wanted to fuck you, call you a slut, and leave you, you'd have what you would consider "great sex".That is because you have intimacy problems.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): Don't ever think you have to break up with him over that, first of all.
Not all men are crazy sex monsters all the time. If you guys are such a great couple, you should talk about it any work it out.
Good luck to both of you!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (15 February 2011):
 It needs to be addressed because it is the kind of thing that can eventually drive you apart. If you always have to initiate sex, it leaves you wondering why your partner isn't attracted to you anymore, or feeling unappreciated, unloved...
I think that since everything else is really good, you need to consider a compromise, but that means he's going to have to make more of an effort than he currently is. Talk to him. Tell him why you want sex. It's more than just being horny or scratching an itch. It's a way to show how much you love each other. Sometimes, that's forgotten by people.
Don't walk away without at least attempting to make things better. Such a good guy deserves a chance. He just needs to understand the importance of sex to you, and only you can tell him that.
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