A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:So.... My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years and are living together. We rarely argue. My problem is that most of the time I feel like I don't have a boyfriend. No texts or calls from him unless he has a question. When he gets home from work and throughout the rest of the day he never lays a finger on me...never. Until that is, we get in bed. Now, I am so frustrated over this that I feel like if I don't get what I want out of the bed, why should he get what he wants in the bed. I have questioned him about whether or not he thinks we should split. He says no, that he loves me. After a discussion about this I can see him trying to do things different, but after a few days it's back to the same thing. I'm not a needy person, but I do think when you've been at work or apart all day that when you do see each other you should want to hug them maybe? Am I crazy?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 November 2016):
 No off course you are not crazy. Me and my guy work together but we still make time for each other when we get home. Affection is important in a relationship to some people. I know for me it is. But some people just don't need it and they don't feel comfortable giving it. It sounds to me like your partner is like this. Sure he wants sex at night but he does not want the kissing and hugging and being affectionate. You have spoke to him and he never changes or else he tries and fails. Therefore I think you need to decide if this relationship is really what you want. Also maybe your sex life has gotten in to habit so maybe you could both spice things up. Try new things. Go on dates. Have romantic nights in. Remember you can go to him for a hug and kiss when he walks in the door.
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (19 November 2016):
 You should read up on the 5 languages of love:
"It outlines five ways to express and experience love that Chapman calls "love languages":
receiving gifts,
quality time,
words of affirmation,
acts of service (devotion),
and physical touch."
It sounds like you and your boyfriend interpret love differently. It's not that he does not love you. The way he expresses his love for you may be different from how you express your love.
Talk to him and let him know what makes you feel loved. Find out from him what makes him feel loved. It will help you to understand and connect with better with each other.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 November 2016):
 You are not crazy, you are just like everybody of us :)- when we see people who do things in a different way than we 'd do it ,or acts differently from our expectations, you immediately conclude that there must be something wrong, and probably something wrong in THEM and the way they are.
Now, not having a full background , we cannot alas just exclude that he is willingly refusing to meet your emotional needs, and that he is simply using you for sex, and to share expenses etc. But, do we have necessarily to think the worst ?.
Could it not simply be that you are an affectionate, tactile, romantic type... and he is not ? ..
" When you have been apart all day, you should want to hug them ? " Uhm, no- not necessarily. It's just work, just a few hours of separation, it's not like coming back after a long trip. I don't want to sound more cynical than it's needed, but tbh, in you age range, I really don't see many couples who bother daily with a whole " Honey I am home- aww I missed you so much " routine .
Anyway, it can simply be that you two have different ways to express love and affection ; you ,through physical contact , and he in other ways, like helping you with practical stuff, or buying you gifts, or devoting all or most of his free time to you,... or showing you physicak passion in bed :).
That's not the way you like it, and obviously you are not wrong to have your own preferences, but I would avoid to polarize the situation," you don't give me what I want out of bed, I don't give you what you want in bed". I find it positive and encouraging that he is trying , at least, to give you what you want, even if he soon ends up with relapsong . You need to be patient and persistent, and to remind him of what you'd like him to do , simply and affectionately, without nagging. You have to remember that it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks, and if he has a lifetime of NOT being demonstrative, - he'll probably never get comfortable with that at the level you want. I guess as always compromise is the key- he tries a little harder- and you cut down your expectations , so maybe you can meet half way. If the rest of the relationship is good , and you are compatible from all other points if view, this difference in effusiveness shoud not be allowed to sink it.
As for only using texts to make questions- that's just my personal point of view with which NOBODY will agree nowadays, and I am resigned to that :) , but : Hats off to him ! That's ptecisely the way that texts should be used for mentally and chronologically mature people busy AT WORK and with the engagements and obligations of a normal daily life. Teens need instant sharing of every thought and every impulse; adults can delay gratification. Plus, if you are 51-59 you sure can remember a time when nobody texted , and still people were able to have good, long lasting relatiomships anyway :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2016): Some people are more emotional/touchy feely than others. I personally like my space and am not always kissing or hugging my boyfriend.. but at night I'd like to snuggle against him. He on the other hand loves to hold my hand and kiss. It doesn't mean I don't love my boyfriend, I just show my love in other ways such as remembering all his appointments, cooking for him, caring for his family, etc. He on the other hand is not as attentive and never remembers any of my appointments and only cooks on special occasions. That doesn't mean he doesn't love me or act like a boyfriend should act... it just means we both have different ways of showing our love and affection. and yes... getting in bed always puts us in the mood for more and I believe it's natural. You'd be scared when he doesn't want to touch you while in bed LOL
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A
female
reader, Eagle'sfan1986 +, writes (19 November 2016):
I don't think you're crazy at all or needy. But I will just keep on wanting to be with him if you you both are in the mood to be with eachother in the bedroom or spend time by cuddling on the couch with one another also. Is he busy working or is he hanging out with friend? Don't get too discourage and end things with him at all. I am so sure things will be normal for you both when he will call you and text you also.
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